Birth Order & You. Dr. Ronald W. Richardson & Lois A. Richardson

a hard-working oldest. They know better than their boss about how a job “ought” to be done.

      They go into helping professions or leadership positions to gain admiration and respect. They often become managers, ministers, teachers, lawyers, and judges. They also do well in intellectual work that requires disciplined, abstract thought with little emphasis on personal relationships — areas such as engineering, physics, higher mathematics, architecture, and chemistry. They are less often in creative work and if they are, they tend to be more conventional than later-birth-order artists.

      Eminent scientists and mathematicians are overrepresented by oldest sons. Well-known theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking, author of A Complete History of Time, is the oldest of four children. He grew up wanting to figure out how things worked and developed the modest goal in life of having “complete understanding of the universe.”

      Oldests are also frequently found in academic careers, especially in medicine, law, and psychology. Pioneering heart surgeon William DeVries is an oldest child. Albert Schweitzer, missionary-physician, philosopher, theologian, and music scholar, was an oldest who combined both the intellectual and the nurturing capacities of oldests in his life’s work.

      Oldests may seek positions of authority where they can use their natural aura of authority in either an ambitious climb to the top or an idealistic effort to change the world for the better. Oldest child Rene Levesque, former leader of the Parti Quebecois in Canada, fought for the sovereignty of Quebec by leading the separatist movement away from terrorism and into mainstream politics.

      f. To The Parents of An Oldest Child

      You can help your oldest child most by putting less pressure on him or her to succeed and openly giving more love and approval just for existing. Admit your own mistakes to your oldest to show that mistakes happen and no one is perfect. Avoid criticizing the accomplishments of your oldest or re-doing something he or she has done less than perfectly. Point out what’s right about the attempt, not what’s wrong. If your oldest bakes a cake, mention how good it tastes, not that it’s flat as a pancake. Praise the B on the report card rather than asking why it’s not an A. Your oldest is probably already too aware and concerned about not being the best.

      Allow your oldest to decide how much he or she wants to help with the younger children; don’t force the oldest to babysit. Don’t expect your oldest to grow up too quickly; let the child be a child and childishly playful. If you don’t like something about your oldest child’s behavior, check your own; there may be a similar pattern.

      After siblings have arrived, continue to spend time alone with your oldest child to help him or her feel important as an individual rather than just as a helper.

      Oldest children, even as adults, respond well to pleasant surprises. Because they usually plan ahead and work so hard at preparing things, they often can’t enjoy themselves when, say, they are finally on vacation. But a surprise excursion planned by someone else for them can make them feel cared for.

      g. To The Adult Oldest Child

      In general, you would do well to find ways to relax more, lower your standards for yourself and others, and get more fun out of life. The song “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” was written for you. You need to allow yourself to be happy. You can also try expressing your need for love more directly rather than taking care of others to win their love. That is a roundabout way of doing it, and others may not understand that you have needs too. The oldest sister in the movie Hannah and Her Sisters did everything for everybody until she learned that she wasn’t really earning their love that way. She found out that her husband didn’t think she needed him at all. By doing less, she saved her marriage and her relationships with friends and family.

      Your parents are no longer watching your every move and are not the all-powerful discipliners they may have been. If you make a mistake, it won’t be the end of the world. Some of the people around you may even appreciate that evidence of your humanity. You are good enough as you are.

      Be realistic about what you can accomplish in the time available. Be willing to ask for the help and support of others when you need it. And remember that no one has ever looked back over their lives to say, “I wish I had spent more time at the office” or “more time cleaning house.”