Kevin Kramer Starts on Monday. Debbie Graber

      3. Transition the business into a soy-candle boutique called Sea Whispers. Offer employees 40 percent discounts.

      4. Convert the building into a jai alai fronton. Use employees to run concession stands and larger employees (Doc, Robert, and Cookie) as security.

      While the executive team appreciates your suggestions, we remain committed to our current business model. Thank you for understanding.

      EMPLOYEES:

      Because we value your creative spirit, the executive team is excited to announce a new slogan contest! While we’re very fond of our current slogan—“Production Solutions: WOW!”—we believe our valued employees can do even better. E-mail your ideas to [email protected]. Participants will receive tickets for a raffle to win a 7-Eleven gift card and some lottery scratchers.

      EMPLOYEES:

      We have to discuss a sensitive situation with you. As some of you know, Deirdre Dempsey, whom we have long esteemed for her perfect attendance record, has been out of the office since Monday. Rest assured, Deirdre is not missing. When you see her next, you will notice that she is wearing a wig. This is because she has been diagnosed with stress-related alopecia. She is under the care of our HMO’s doctors and will hopefully regrow her hair in time. Please try not to ask her too many questions, as this will worsen her alopecia. Please note also that this occurrence, while unfortunate, is completely unrelated to the disappearance of the software department. The FBI is diligently following every lead.

      EMPLOYEES:

      Due to this year’s challenges, it is unlikely that anyone will receive a merit raise following the next performance-review period.

      EMPLOYEES:

      For those of you who have inquired, the executive team has not had time to judge the slogan contest. We have been extremely busy dealing with various local, state, and federal investigations, not to mention the loss of most of our business. For those who sent nasty e-mails regarding our unresponsiveness, shame on you. We have hardly slept the last several months. We would ask that you show a bit more courtesy. Or perhaps you were born in a barn? You know who you are.

      EMPLOYEES:

      Some of you have heard that Project Manager Jim Smalley appeared to his wife in a dream. He was dressed like a Boy Scout and was selling boxes of Trail’s End Popcorn door-to-door. When his wife asked him where he was and what had happened to him, he smiled and said, “Support our troops.” Then she woke up.

      To this end, please support our troops for all their efforts by purchasing Trail’s End caramel corn from Doris McClellan’s son, Travis, who will be in the office on Thursday. Do it for the software department, wherever they may be. Please note that Travis will be carrying only twenty dollars in change.

      EMPLOYEES:

      Due to managerial leaves of absence, e-mails to [email protected] will no longer be read. For answers to your questions, please refer to the new FAQ list below:

      1. Is the disappearance of the software department still a mystery?

      Yes.

      2. Why have new software developers not been hired?

      This is proprietary information.

      3. What will happen to the company’s long-term profitability in the wake of the software disappearance?

      This is also proprietary information.

      4. Third quarter has come and gone. What happened to the hard release date for MPM 3.0?

      Again, proprietary.

      5. Was the software-questions e-mail queue shut down because it was a portal to another dimension?

      Improbable. Also, proprietary.

      6. Where is my manager?

      Many managers have taken paid stress leave. Others are not returning e-mails or phone calls. Try to exercise patience with the managers who remain.

      7. Will Production Solutions be in existence for the long haul?

      Who of us is in existence for the long haul?

      8. Why did facilities remove all the ficus trees from the lobby? The ficus trees were not performing to the best of their abilities. If you have additional questions, please write them down for next year’s town hall meeting, which has yet to be scheduled.

       [email protected]—Out-of-office auto-reply:

      Please join us in the second-floor conference room at three o’clock. Neither cake nor coffee will be served, but we wanted to gather all remaining Production Solutions employees and commend you for your loyalty nevertheless.

      If you are reading this e-mail, congratulations. You have braved much insecurity. Since most of the facilities department has defected to Entertainment Options, even getting into the elevators these days entails great bravery. While we no longer have the funds to pay for gift cards, bonuses, or salaries, there is something to be said for togetherness. If any of you would like to say a few words, tell a joke, or sing a song, even a sad one such as “Danny Boy,” you will be welcome to do so. We no longer care if you can carry a tune. It was wrong of us to snicker at James Lalange’s karaoke version of “Purple Rain” at last year’s holiday party. It’s the small cruelties that add up, in the end.

      If you want, we can reminisce about the old days. Remember Luz Endoso’s world-famous pansit noodles? The semiannual bingo tournaments? The comforting, low-level hum of Bob Ferrara’s nebulizer?

      On second thought, let’s not talk about those things anymore. Let’s talk about something else.