Kevin Kramer Starts on Monday. Debbie Graber

and do not listen to anyone who tries to convince you that Starbucks has something to do with the disappearance of the software department.

      It has further been brought to our attention that some employees do not drink coffee. Per their requests, we are looking into using Costco gift cards in the future. Please note: Starbucks gift cards cannot be redeemed at Costco.

      EMPLOYEES:

      Many of you have inquired as to why new software developers have not been hired during such a crucial time. Please know that the HR department has been working tirelessly to hire temporary workers. Although we reside in the software-development capital of the nation, finding new staff has proved trickier than you might expect. Despite our best efforts to keep the software department’s disappearance out of the public eye, news has trickled out to our competitors and to news outlets, making it challenging to attract top talent. We are investigating this security breach to the best of our abilities.

      EMPLOYEES:

      We are pleased to announce a partnership with a Vientiane-based firm that will send over temporary programmers from Laos. The firm promises that its workers will “power up” quickly, get the work done, and then “power down” and leave the country immediately. These temporary employees will not drain our 401(k) plan, nor will they be given spot raises, bonuses, or Starbucks gift cards. They will also not be allowed to park their rental cars in the parking lot until we can have the missing software department’s vehicles towed.

      The Laotians will arrive next week, and we’re thrilled to have them continue the software department’s work creating user-friendly software that offers real-world solutions. We’d appreciate it if you would make the effort to introduce yourselves. As managers of one of the fifty most engaged companies in California (Westways Magazine, June 2011), we trust that our employees will welcome the outsourced workers with open arms. Instead of using your break to go across the street for a Big Gulp, why not take a quick field trip to the second floor and extend a friendly greeting? Incidentally, “Sa bai di, mu pheuon” means “Hello, friend” in Lao.

      EMPLOYEES:

      Due to employee demand, we have created a list of FAQs regarding the team arriving from Laos:

      1. What is Laos?

      Laos is a country in Southeast Asia. For more information, please consult: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laos.

      2. When you say that the Laotian team will “power up,” does this mean that they are robots?

      No.

      3. Is Production Solutions paying for the team’s meals and housing?

      Production Solutions will pay them a housing stipend. The team has also been issued Costco gift cards.

      4. Will the Laotian team receive health benefits?

      Health insurance for the new team is being covered by the outsourcing firm. We believe their co-pay for the urgent-care clinic on Hollywood Way is ten dollars.

      5. Will any current employees be terminated?

      All Production Solutions employees are classified as “at will,” meaning they can be terminated at any time. Please refer to page IV 3.2–3.6 in your employee handbook for more information about what it means to be an “at will” employee.

      6. How long will the Laotian team stay?

      In the event that the software department resurfaces, the Laotian team will remain until the FBI closes its investigation, then will “power down” and leave. If the software department fails to resurface, the team will stay on until the new release date for MPM 3.0, which is the last day of the third quarter. The executives have been in meetings about the missed first deadline for the release of MPM 3.0 with our clients, who have been extremely understanding about the circumstances.

      EMPLOYEES:

      It has been brought to our attention that a sign reading FOR AMERICANS ONLY has been hung next to the urinals in the first-floor men’s room. It was neither placed there by facilities nor authorized by management, and has been taken down. Please note: Posting unauthorized placards in a public building is a misdemeanor in the state of California. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.

      EMPLOYEES:

      Although the temporary software developers were expected to begin work this morning, they have not yet arrived. We do not know the reason for this delay. But do not worry: the welcome potluck is still on. Please enjoy Luz Endoso’s famous pansit noodles and the many other goodies in the second-floor conference room.

      EMPLOYEES:

      The Laotian team’s absence is still under investigation. In answer to a frequently asked question, the Laotian overseas firm is not, we repeat not, a front for terrorist activities. We have consulted with the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, and in no way do they believe that our building has been targeted for a terrorist attack. Production Solutions has asked Robert, Doc, and the other security guards to be extra vigilant, just in case.

      We ask also that you stop e-mailing the software-questions queue, as it is full.

      EMPLOYEES:

      We have been informed by the firm in Vientiane that the Laotian software team decided to reject our offer. Please do not blame them for their choice. In business, it’s never personal. Many factors went into their decision. We will continue our search for new software developers to help us grow our business and build our dreams.

      EMPLOYEES:

      Please do not speculate as to why the team from Laos rejected our offer. It is not our concern if they decided to “power up” with Entertainment Options instead of us, and anyway, this rumor is unconfirmed. Please do not spend time worrying about things that are out of your control. Concentrate instead on doing the best job you can. Help a client by answering your phone instead of letting it go to voice mail. Brush up on knowledge-base articles about previous versions of our software. If you need to, stretch quietly at your desk. Thank you in advance.

      EMPLOYEES:

      In answer to a frequently asked question, yes, Mike Heno took executives from the Laotian firm to a Los Angeles Kings game. It is part of Mike’s job as an HR manager to entertain people who can help us solve our staffing issues. Mike was as surprised as anyone that the firm rejected our offer at the last minute. The Laotians reportedly enjoyed the game, and one of them even purchased a foam finger. The executive team has every confidence in Mike and the rest of the HR group. Please do not e-mail Mike directly, as he has gone on leave.

      EMPLOYEES:

      Please do not e-mail the executive team with questions about the deposit paid to the Laotian company. We are working hard to secure the return of those monies, as well as the Costco gift cards that were sent in advance.

      EMPLOYEES:

      We understand that you are feeling stressed, and we appreciate that you are weathering the storm as well as can be expected. But we must request that you please, per the confidentiality agreement that 58 percent of you have signed thus far, refrain from discussing the missing software department with outside parties, whether they are family, friends, or news outlets. Having crews from local stations, CNN, and Fox News perpetually parked outside the main entrance is not good for business. Already, many of our clients are refusing to send their staff to our building to pick up their payroll checks for fear they may disappear.

      As Franklin D. Roosevelt said so famously, “There is nothing to fear but fear itself.” It turns out that he was right. Try to not be afraid; it rubs off on others. Now is the time for all of us to pull together and continue to wow our clients in the face of adversity. The best thing you can do is to excel at your job.

      We are still planning to hold midyear reviews.

      EMPLOYEES:

      We would like to take a minute to acknowledge the suggestions we’ve received from you all over a frankly difficult past few months. Here are a few of your many “out