Your Best Life: Pathways to Happiness. Judith PhD Coche PhD

      

      YOUR BEST LIFE

      Pathways to Happiness

      JUDITH COCHÉ, PH.D.

      Copyright 2014 Judith Coche, PhD,

      All rights reserved.

      Published in eBook format by Optimal Life Press

      Converted by http://www.eBookIt.com

      ISBN-13: 978-0-6159-7653-2

      No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.

      FOREWORD

      How much do you want to live your best life day after day, decade after decade? Yes, it is easy to thrive when the universe provides easy choices. And no, life does not always cooperate: health falters, pets die, careers take dives, storms damage our best lives.

      Positive Psychology has packaged age old wisdom to provide us with winning ways to approach life. The concepts mirror my own professional judgments, gleaned in 35 years of study and clinical practice in human development and existential psychology. Finally, we have guidelines to help each of us weather, and become stronger from, catastrophe, illness, aging and loss. Good stuff, this.

      My own life acts as example of the need for a positive life stance. Without warning, my first husband died of a suddenly discovered metastatic melanoma at age 49. This brilliant and handsome man was also my career partner, leaving me to run The Coche Center and parent my daughter single handedly. I found myself emotionally stranded, needing to cover all bases on two home, and two practice locations filled with clients. Left a widow and single parent of a gifted, blossoming teen-age girl, I choose to apply my knowledge of optimal living to push through cataclysmic disaster. This tragedy taught me foundation skills for my future.

      These personal lessons, borne out of the grit that comes from necessity, inform the thinking behind the stories in this book. Using vignettes from my practice and my life, I published my newspaper column for The Cape May County Herald. I fictionalized names for privacy but kept the dynamics intact because stories teach us through example.

      I began The Coche Center, LLC as a tiny practice in Clinical Psychology in 1978. We had no capital, no loans, and no clients. Insurance reimbursements did not exist for psychologists so survival was highly unlikely. Clients often felt ashamed of “needing” therapy. And yet we thrived. I think it is because feeling understood is necessary for all of us. Therapy provides us access to what is going on inside and allows us to make the unconscious our friend. It tames the wildness of loving another.

      Each 800 word story started as a newspaper column between 2007 and today. Each is a metaphor for life. In the dedication of a cat owner who gives his water shy pet hydrotherapy, for example, we remember how powerful positive relationships are in our lives. My hope is that the stories take residence in your heart .

      2013 marks the 35th anniversary of The Coche Center, LLC. As our 35th anniversary gift you, I hope these little stories contribute to the quiet sparkle of living your best life.

      Judith Coche, Ph.D., A.B.P.P.

      June 2013

      Rittenhouse Square and Stone Harbor

      INTRODUCTION

      “Skill makes love unending.”

      - Ovid

      I began writing a column for the residents of Cape May County in 2007 at the suggestion of Joe Zelnick, a beloved journalist who died too soon. The goal was to educate the residents of Cape May County about issues in mental health so that they could live their best lives. To keep it simple, I call the column, “Making Life Work.”

      Beginning a column felt a little like standing at the top of a mountain and singing a little melody into the wilderness. I was able to voice anything at all, but had no clue whether anybody was paying attention. At first the folks who told me how much they loved my column were personal friends, so I was not convinced of a readership. But copy editor Joan Nash supported my efforts, so I kept writing. In the second year, there was a noticeable stir among a forming readership. I would go to dinner at a local club, be introduced to someone I had never met, and hear “Oh! Aren’t you the person who writes the column, you’re a... you’re a.... are you a psychologist?”

      Now, six years later, I know folks read “Making Life Work.” Not long ago, a stranger called to ask for an appointment with me. When I asked whether she wanted to know something about me, she said “Not if you write your own columns. Do you?”. When I said I did, she replied, “Then I know you are the right person for me to work with. I really like your columns because you help me to go deeper inside myself and leave me feeling better than I did before I read your column.”

      2013 marks the 35th anniversary of The Coche Center, LLC, a Practice in Clinical Psychology that specializes in helping individuals, couples and families maximize their lives. To mark this special event, it seemed fitting to honor our clients by sharing some of their stories, which have been fictionalized before publishing them in my column. Each column in this book highlights an aspect of optimal living. My goal is to make it very easy for the readier to grasp complex ideas, and remember them days later. 800 words can be ingested over half a bagel. The trick is to create a thread of meaning that leaves you, the reader, with something to consider for the rest of the day. I’ve always believed that plain language is the most powerful form of communication : saying something simply is more challenging than cloaking it in academic rhetoric. The columns speak simply.

      People seek professional help with their life because they get stuck in a life issue and need to feel happier. In each column I address one of the five key concepts in creating PERMAnent wellbeing. I borrowed this list from Dr Martin Seligman and our mutual students of Positive Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania Medical School and Graduate Psychology departments, where I teach Psychiatric Residents and Psychology Graduate Students. As you read, I lead you into the uplifting world of positive emotions, engagement, positive relationships, meaning and accomplishment. In the twenty or so columns ahead, you catch a glimpse of how folks use their own internal and interpersonal tools to make life sing for them despite the tricky challenges they face.

      Clients have struggled in my office since 1978 to wrap their brains and hearts around ways to change in desired directions. While changing, they have said amazing things about their own growth. In the final pages of the book, I share with you a few of the one liners from our clients about their own growth.

      I hope that you find moments of pleasure and meaning in these brief essays. I hope they enable you to capitalize on the strength inside of you, so that you too may live your best life.

      YOU ARE THE AUTHOR OF YOUR LIFE

      “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us? And I said, here I am. Send me.”

      -Isaah 6:8 p 181

      Perfectly decked out in a navy suit that complemented his graying temples and steel blue eyes, Brad chose his words carefully. “We earn plenty of money as financial advisors but we work too long and hard. We have a summer home we rarely get to. We deserve to be happier. I want us to live on less money and retire by 55 so that we can enjoy our lives together. Who knows how long we will live? Let’s cut back. We deserve to flourish in our lives.”

      Ann, tall, lithe and elegant, listened. Each time Brad brought up this theme she reminded him that she had grown up in financial need, and she loved her work. But ever since Brad had read the psychological research that tells us that money is not highly related to happiness, Brad had become tenacious about creating an optimal life without wealth. Accomplished at sales presentations,