The Dating Game. Carolyn Caterer

had passed, which meant that I had a fair way to go before I reached my target of spending an hour in his company.

      “I did have a television, but I let my ex take it when she moved out”

      At that stage I was beginning to wonder if he could hold a conversation on any subject without mention of the ex or the “Sainted One” as she was now appearing in my head. Mind you I think she must have been a saint to have put up with a man who was rapidly becoming one of the dullest men I have ever had coffee with. He appeared to be making very little effort when it came to answering my questions, so I sat in silence to tempt him to ask me something about myself.

      I looked directly at him and raised my right eyebrow in what I hoped was an encouraging and expectant manner, so that he would come up with a question for me, or say anything to keep the conversation moving.

      Silence descended over us. I refused to look away willing Ian to make some effort to engage me in conversation. Instead he focussed on his empty coffee cup with such intensity that I began to wonder if he would be more happy holding a conversation with a piece of china than he would me.

      After another minute or so of excruciating silence, I had had enough. I decided that I had run out of patience and conversation. It was time to make my exit, so I looked at my watch and then back at him with a surprised expression.

      “Goodness me, is that the time, I promised I would go and see my Mum and she will be wondering where I am if I don’t get there soon. Thanks ever so much for meeting me but I really must go”

      I stood up and shook his hand (at this point I want to give you potential internet-daters a little tip; shaking hands in the M&S cafeteria is designed to make about eighty people turn around and stare, as it is quite a rare sight and by now it seemed obvious to me that they had all worked out that we didn’t know each other at all and our cover was blown).

      “Nice to meet you to. Have a nice time at your Mum’s”

      I put on my coat and tried to walk out the store, as opposed to run out like an Olympic sprinter, which believe me, was tempting. I felt I was gasping for oxygen after all the effort it had taken to talk to him and that I had invested a fair bit of time and effort on someone who was completely stuck in the past with his ex-girlfriend. I even began to wonder if he would have been happier if his ex had come along with him to meet me, he seemed to be so lost without her and not at all in the frame of mind for finding someone new.

      I sat in the car and sent a quick text to my girlfriends with one word that summed it up:

      DIRE!

      Then I turned the key in the ignition and headed out of the car park as fast as I could and made my way back home.

      *****************************************************

      Erica munched thoughtfully on her chocolate digestive, while I gave her the full account of my meeting with Ian and how frustrated I felt about it all.

      “OK so I accept that wasn’t the best start. However let’s look at it this way; it was only your first internet date, so you have nothing to compare it to.”

      “What, are you trying to cheer me up by saying that there could be worse dates out there?!!”

      “Well, no of course not. However you had no idea about the ex issue, so maybe it would be a good idea to establish early on in the emails exactly how long it is since they have split up. That way you can eliminate the ones with too much recent baggage to be a potential suitor”

      “Jane Austen would be proud of you Erica.”

      “Well you know what they say about the course of true love and it took Matt five years to see the light and propose to me”

      “Yes I know but you did meet when you were in your twenties!!”

      “OK I get your point but, tell me honestly Jen, do you wish that you were with any of your exes?”

      “No” I sighed. “It wouldn’t have worked out with any of them, I am sure about that. I don’t have any regrets, but boy, had I seen the future I would have perhaps made a bit more of an effort to meet a more suitable man than the ones that I have attracted so far.”

      “Well there is no point beating yourself up about the past. We are going to concentrate on the present and the future only and find you the perfect guy”

      “The perfect guy is a myth, he doesn’t exist or if he does he’s been bagged already”

      “Ok let’s reframe that and make it the perfect guy for you.”

      “God Erica, you can tell you’ve been reading a bunch of self-help books recently. Has business been a bit slow in the shop of late?!”

      “Actually we have had a bumper month, so you can stop being so sarcastic Ms Butler. There is a huge demand for personal development books, they are some of our best sellers, so of course I read the latest ones so I can recommend them to my customers. I have put many of the ideas into practise know they work, so stop the negative attitude and remember the mantra……”

      “Do I have to?”

      “Yes!!! Say it say it!!!”

      “What would Madonna do?!”

      “Absolutely! Jen, just use her as your inspiration, and don’t take any shit from anyone! Just say what you think and always, always use your gut instinct when it comes to men.”

      “What do you think I’ve been doing for the past 25 years?” I wasn’t going to let her get away with that comment, as much as I loved her. Sometimes when a person had been with their partner for a long time they forget that things weren’t always the way they are now and that they too had times in the past when they were despairing of ever finding the right man for them and Erica was no exception. I remembered that, before she met Matt she was dating a pompous chap called Dorian, who treated her appallingly and was always cancelling dates at the last minute, but she was totally enamoured with him, for reasons that no one else could work out and , when he finally admitted he was seeing someone else, she cried for a week. Fortunately that was the week she had her dental check-up and ended up meeting Matt, so Dorian was quickly deleted from her memory, but he still had quite a place in mind for all the heartache he had caused her and all the late night calls I had received from her following all the times he had let her down.

      Looking at her brown curls tumbling around her English rose complexion and her soft grey eyes, I always wondered how Dorian could have been such a complete shit, but was glad that Matt had materialised on the scene at just the right time. Maybe there was something in these books about karma and the laws of attraction that I had not quite fathomed yet? I was jolted out of my thoughts by Erica’s voice as she continued;

      “To a certain point you have been, but then you’ve fallen in love and just ignored your gut instinct which was telling you that these men weren’t right for you. Bloody hell, I and the rest of your friends did try to tell you, but it’s one of those lessons you just have to learn yourself. So, now you know where you were going wrong this is your chance to get on track and finally find the right man for you.”

      “OK, OK! I know you are right, but boy it seems like such hard work and, old habits die hard, Madonna or no Madonna!. Besides which Sean Penn hardly worked out for her did he?”

      “Maybe not but Guy Richie did much better. It will be worth it, just remember that and go out there and do your stuff!”

      And so, with those words thundering around in my head (or was that the excess of red wine I had consumed that evening) I called a taxi to take me home, feeling that maybe things were starting to look up……

      Chapter 3

      Date#2: Paul