Cougar of Spirit Lake. Linnette MDiv Eller

Thomas turned his attention away from Tommy and Jacob and looked directly at Jessica. His chest seemed to ache with the beauty that met his eyes. He knew that she had absolutely no idea how incredibly beautiful she was. That just made her all the more desirable to him. She was so innocent, but still she stirred his blood in a very manly sort of way when he looked at her. He had never seen eyes like hers on a woman before. He had tossed and turned many a night in his bed when he pictured her in his mind. She would be shocked if she knew how many times he had tried to envision her without clothes. Oh, Hell, he was letting his thoughts run wild. He had come here tonight to talk.

      “Jessie, is there some place, we could talk? Maybe take a walk or stand out on the porch or something?” Thomas asked.

      “Why, certainly, just stay right there, and I will run and get a shawl.” She felt fear of the unknown making her stand as straight and tall as her five foot three-inch height would allow. She walked from the room as ladylike as she could, but when out of sight she raced in a very unladylike fashion up to her bedroom.

      What is wrong with me, she wondered again? Here just this afternoon I was worried about how to tell him that I couldn't, marry him. Now that I think that is what he is here to tell me I feel like I have been kicked in the chest. She grabbed her shawl and quickly ran back down to the kitchen, before she had any more time to dwell on it and upset herself even more.

      Jessica and Thomas went out onto the porch and the brisk March evening. Involuntarily she shivered as a chilling wind caught her unexpectedly. She fleetingly thought of the bitter cold morning that had dawned on the day Mama had died and said a prayer that these chilling spells in the weather didn't always warn of tragedy to come. She quickly dismissed that idea, and thought to herself, she would have to learn to control these fanciful thoughts she found going through her head so much these days. Thomas had noticed her shiver and looked down at her.

      “Jess, if it’s too cold out here we can go back inside where it’s warmer.”

      “Oh no, really Thomas this is fine, besides, I needed the fresh air.” She said, pulling her shawl more tightly around her. She was afraid suddenly. It seemed as though in the past half-year she had lost too many people that were very dear to her. Mama, and actually Papa as well, and now that the time had come to lose Thomas, she felt as though she couldn't face it. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to let things go on as they were, at least for a while longer. That is, unless Thomas wanted to have her release him. That would be different, otherwise, why hurry things? All around her things had rushed past her in a manner over which she had no choosing, let alone any control. Just let this go on naturally, don't interfere she told herself. All the same she was nervous and surely wished that Thomas would get on with why he had wanted to talk to her.

      Thomas was nervous himself. If only there were some way to know what this beautiful woman beside him was thinking. He didn't know what to do about the mess their lives had become. He could vividly remember that afternoon last October. He had arrived with his parents, thinking he was going to formally propose to this woman beside him. Instead, he had run head long into the most agonized family he had ever seen in his entire life. He had entered the sitting room, after knocking for quite some time and no one answering, yet being able to hear sounds from inside, he had gone on inside thinking they couldn't hear the knock.

      When he was inside the sight of Jessica and her brothers sitting together, obviously crying alerted him that something had occurred, and it was something terrible for them, Jessica had raised her head and looked at him, and it was a pitiful sight! Those eyes of hers, cat eyes sort of, like an injured little cat looking at him. It took him a while to understand what had happened, All the while John Ferrall could be heard ranting and raving and even wailing. He had never heard the likes of the sounds coming from the bedroom that day. He had wanted to grab Jessica's little hand and run with her, as far as possible from this farm. He couldn't do that of course, not with her Papa and the boys depending on her and all. He hadn't known what to do.

      Now, what would she think of his plan tonight? Would she think that he had lost his mind, just like John had? Because whether or not she would admit it, or maybe she did not even realize it, John Ferrall had definitely lost his mind. Why, everyone in the valley could see that. They knew it was because he was so crazy in love with his wife for a while, but now thought he was just plain crazy. Thomas could almost understand that! It sure would drive him crazy to lose Jessica at least he thought it might.

      Lately, Thomas didn't want to be around because he saw something in John's eyes that made him fearful. It was as though he was completely over the edge, as if all the love he had felt for his wife bad turned to madness. It made Thomas nervous that Jessica stayed here with him. He couldn't stand the thought of that crazy man doing anything to Jessica. You just never knew what a crazy man might do. That's why he hoped she would go along with his idea. He thought it was a good one. It was logical and solid. Really, he didn't see any alternative he just hoped she wouldn't either.

      “Jessica, you know we have to talk, don't you?”

      “I guess, well, what about Thomas?” Her voice had quivered, and he had heard it. What was wrong with her, he wondered? He wanted to take her in his arms and love her. Really, love her, so she couldn't think of all of these other problems, just his loving. Instead, he said, “It’s about your Pa, surely you can see that something has to be done, why, even you have to admit he can't just go on like he is.”

      “Whatever do you mean, Thomas? Why, we all know that Papa has been beside himself with grief, but he just needs time. Just, some more time to put what has happened behind him, that's all.”

      She wondered why she had bristled at Thomas mentioning Papa's condition. She had been thinking the same thing herself just this afternoon. Somehow, she felt as though it were a betrayal of him and of Mama to allow someone else to say these things. However, she above anyone knew something had to be done about or at least for Papa.

      Now what? Thomas thought. He knew this wasn't going to be easy, but damn it shouldn't be impossible. He felt angry at her quick defense, but made himself remain calm. He would make it worse if he wasn't careful. He knew that.

      “Now look, Jess, don't go getting upset, I didn't mean no offense or anything. Can't you understand that I want you so much and I'm so worried about you, and well, the boys too? You have to remember that I have been coming around here a lot, a whole lot. I know almost as well as you do what kind of shape he is in. If you will just hear me out, well, maybe this will be something that will help us all. Just hear me out and then think about it, I mean to really think hard on this plan, all right? Will you at least do that for me?”

      Her eyes searched his face and even in the small amount of light coming through the kitchen window. She could see nothing but honesty and caring written on his handsome face. He was earnest, no doubting that.

      “Alright Thomas, go ahead and tell me about this plan of yours. Lord knows, I haven't been able to think of what to do and believe me I have been thinking of very little else for a long time now.”

      “Now, I know this may sound a little crazy to you, but I have already given it a lot of consideration. About two weeks ago, one of the neighbors came over and told us he was going to be having a sale of nearly all his belongings, except those he could get in his wagon. See, he is pulling out. Things haven't gone so well for him and his family. When they lost two of their boys last winter to the influenza and his Missus just can't stand to live there anymore. Says, everything around the place reminds her of the boys. He found out there is a wagon train full of settlers coming through here, headed west.”

      “Well, that got me to thinking about you and me. Looks like to me that maybe this is the answer. Your Papa isn't leaving that bedroom in there hardly ever now, let alone doing anything on the farm. Sooner or later there just isn't going to be anymore farm left. Oh, I know the boys have done a pretty fair job of it, but the fences were down and you lost a lot of stock, even with the fences repaired there still is a lot of stock missing. Tommy knows a goodly bit about the stock breeding your Papa started, but for him it’s like starting over again, and that takes its toll too.” Thomas was watching her face closely.

      “What I'm trying to say is, things have gone bad