AGREEMENTS: Lessons I Chose on My Journey toward the Light. Linda Stein-Luthke

came home on his last leave before the end of his duty, he brought a fellow sailor along with him. This was baffling to me. Why had this guy come home with him? I couldn’t understand. This did not heighten my mood at all, and the visit went badly. We seldom saw each other and when we did, his pal was with him.

      I decided this was just a weird aberration in our relationship, and we’d be fine once he was finally free from the Navy. But the letters and phone calls became more infrequent. He was now stationed in Long Beach awaiting his freedom. I thought this would make communication easier since he was no longer on a boat. It didn’t. Meanwhile, I switched to Cuyahoga Community College where I received another full scholarship. I began working part time and slowly regained some of my self-esteem as I lost the extra pounds and finally bought my own clothes with my own money.

      My Sociology professor even offered me a full scholarship to attend the same summer work program in New York that Bobbie had attended when she pursued her Sociology degree. I was thrilled at the offer until, during a visit to his office he put his hand on my knee and expressed the feeling that he thought we had a “special” relationship. I wasn’t so sure we did and decided to decline the offer.

      Finally the day arrived. Barry was home! I couldn’t wait to see him. When he called, I asked when we’d meet. He said we wouldn’t. He had something important to tell me and he wanted to tell me over the phone. He’d brought “Judy” home with him and they’d already found an apartment to share. He’d met her in Long Beach and decided she was really the right girl for him.

      Now my depression returned with a vengeance. Barry’s best friend came to the rescue. He thought Barry had treated me badly. Most of his other friends agreed. I confessed to Barry’s friend that I’d been attracted to him all these years, but out of loyalty to Barry had not expressed my feelings before. His kind, sweet nature was now winning my heart. The feelings were mutual, so we began to date.

      But it wasn’t the same. One evening Barry’s friend decided enough was enough and after taking me to see a James Bond movie, we headed to Barry’s apartment. I had no idea we were going there and Barry had no idea we were coming.

      It was a most uncomfortable meeting. Judy did not seem too thrilled either. We stayed for one beer and then headed out the door. I was furious and just wanted to get home. That was the end of my relationship with Barry’s friend. He wanted me back with Barry. I didn’t know where I wanted to be!

      I began dating fellows from near-by Case Western Reserve University. One evening I was at our favorite pizza hang out with a date and Barry came in alone. I introduced him to my date and then ignored him. This felt really good!

      Three months later, Barry called. It was his birthday and he was now living back home with his folks. His mom had Boston Terriers that had just had pups and he wanted me to come see them.

      I decided to go. He confessed that seeing me that night at his apartment and then at the pizza place made him realize that he was with the wrong woman. I knew that! I just thought he was too dumb to figure it out! He’d sent Judy back to Long Beach and was now a single man. We talked and laughed and everything felt right again.

      Barry was now working for his father and was about to relocate to Cincinnati. He wanted me to come with him. I said I wouldn’t move unless we were married.

      I came home from our meeting that day and told Carolyn that we would either be married in six weeks or that would be the end of it. I was nineteen years old. I wouldn’t be twenty until September. Why was I in such a rush? I didn’t know. It just seemed that it was time. She was surprised at how sure I was about this. I was surprised too!

      Chapter 9

      One Marriage, Two Births, and Two Deaths

      Barry and I were married six weeks later in a small ceremony in Carolyn and Dad’s home. I devoted the first decade of my adult years to our marriage, and the birth of our two wonderful sons.

      Zack was born in 1970 and Todd came four years later, in 1974.

      The prediction that I had heard within me when I saw Barry for the first time had come true. He had become the father of my sons.

      Having these two beautiful boys was the most important and fulfilling experience that I had had in my life to this time. My teachers had been born. I knew right away that they would teach me how to grow into a more giving, loving person. How else could it be? They started me on the most challenging journey of my life and I promised myself I would give them everything I possibly could. I knew that they would help me learn how to do this.

      Zack was the perfect baby, healthy and thriving. He seldom cried because I could easily anticipate his needs. Some people refer to this as “a mother’s intuition.” But this connection seemed more as if one person (me) had split into two. He was like an extension of me that had taken another form and I could sense easily what that form needed in every moment. I never questioned how this worked. The connection just flowed between us constantly. And I cherished it.

      He taught himself to read from Sesame Street and surprised us when he was three and a half by reading a Time Magazine that I’d put in front of him. I knew then that I would have to work very hard to keep up with this intelligent little boy.

      Four years later, Todd was born by emergency C-section; he was not as healthy at the beginning. He cried continuously and needed great patience and love. As I held him in my arms after one particularly stressful day soon after his arrival, I vowed to love him as fully as I could no matter how difficult his days might be. He curled up in my arms and fell asleep. Our hearts linked, and I knew we would be fine. He learned to smile easily, adored his brother as soon as he noticed him, and kept me laughing as he grew happier with each passing day. I was enchanted with my children.

      My greatest heartache when the children were born was that my parents could not be with me to see their grandchildren. It was an aching loss that nothing could soothe. I wanted my mother to hold my children. I wanted my father to spoil them and tell me how wonderful they are and neither of my parents could be there to do this. I dreamt of my parents holding them and my children feeling their grandparent’s adoration. But these were just dreams that left tears streaming down my face as I awoke.

      Daddy had died suddenly of a heart attack right before I’d gotten pregnant with Zack. I was twenty-three years old. The doctor felt that the shock of his death had caused me to conceive. That felt very true to me. It was a devastating loss. I now knew that I had felt the same kind of connection with my Dad that I was now experiencing with my sons. But that didn’t matter, both of my parents were gone and nothing would bring them back. Death is a finality that cannot be bargained with, or so I thought.

      Along the way, my marriage to Barry shattered. Barry had become successful in a big corporation that required us to move from one city to another while he devoted himself to his work and promotions. He was only with us on the weekends. He seldom had time or, it seemed, the desire to pay attention to the boys, so I became both mother and father to them almost from the beginning of their lives.

      My stepmother, Carolyn was my guide and friend through these years as I set up a new home in one town after another and tried to make friends wherever we were. I would call her frequently and tell her of my loneliness and pain. She was always comforting and kind.

      But even with Carolyn’s kind support, I became more and more angry, lonely, and depressed and by the end of our marriage, ten years later, there wasn’t much within me that resembled the woman who had wanted to be a good, loving wife.

      I tried various activities to help me retain some sense of myself as we moved about. Before the children were born I worked in various capacities, ultimately becoming a teacher’s aide in a school for mildly retarded children. This was a job I truly loved.

      After many nights of