AGREEMENTS: Lessons I Chose on My Journey toward the Light. Linda Stein-Luthke

one lady in particular and decided we needed to choose who would be an acceptable companion for Daddy. He obviously wasn’t thinking with his head.

      One woman was on our short list. Carolyn was the widow of a dear man who had owned the diaper service in Cleveland. Mommy, Daddy, Carolyn, and Jerry had been good friends and had attended business conventions together over the years. Carolyn had come to our home as soon as she heard about Mommy and offered to help in any way she could. She had loved Mommy and was very fond of Dad as well. And we were fond of her.

      When she invited us for dinner, we encouraged Daddy to accept. Then Bobbie and I planned dinners for Carolyn and her sons at our home. We even had them over the first night the Beatles sang on Ed Sullivan! Our intent was not lost on Daddy and the friendship became deeper between him and Carolyn.

      During the fall of my freshman year, Daddy said he thought Carolyn would be a good mother for all of us and asked how we felt. We were thrilled. Daddy decided to wait until I was done with my first year at school before they married and we’d move into Carolyn’s home in Cleveland and begin a new life there. I appreciated his concern for me. I was thoroughly enjoying college life as much as I could, considering that I needed to be home each afternoon to care for my brother, and thus agreed that this was a good plan.

      We fell into a somewhat comfortable routine as a family. Bobbie was in school at Kent State University during the week so Daddy would take Howard to a nursery near my campus. I would pick Howard up after classes since Daddy was doing home sales in the evening. I would give my brother his dinner, put him to bed, and have a warm meal waiting for Daddy when he was done working. I began to enjoy talking with Daddy when he got home. He’d tell me about his day and I would tell him about mine. Bobbie would come home over the weekends to help out and give me more freedom to enjoy campus life.

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      One course I really enjoyed at school was “Abnormal Psychology.” The professor was an eccentric who had a lovely black handlebar mustache and wore a black fedora and cape around campus. His lectures were fascinating. One day I ventured into his office with a question that was burning in my soul. Could someone be so unhappy that this person could will him or herself to die? He turned from his desk to stare at me. He wanted to know why I was asking this question. I explained what had happened to my mother.

      Without hesitating he answered that yes, this was possible. I thanked him and left.

      I never discussed this with my family. But something settled within me that day. I somehow knew that our will is stronger than we realize. Our minds can make us sick. And yes, if the desire is that strong, we can even make ourselves sick enough to die. I had watched my mother do this. I made a promise to myself that day that this wouldn’t happen to me. I didn’t know how or what I would do but I wouldn’t allow myself to be so unhappy that it would kill me.

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      At school I met many kids from the east coast and enjoyed getting to know this more sophisticated crowd. Barry had suggested I date, and I did.

      It was great fun until one awful Friday in October. A bunch of us were sitting in the student lounge when an announcement came over the loudspeaker that President Kennedy had been shot. Stunned groups of students poured out of all the buildings, into the main concourse of the school. We then went to any T.V. we could find on campus before the school was closed and the period of official mourning began.

      It did not take long until I realized that life changed for all of us that day. Many hopes and dreams for a better, brighter future that were embodied in President Kennedy died with him. Within a couple years, the baby boomers that witnessed this tragedy became the hippies who wanted the social order to change. Our world could never be the same. The conventions and comforts of the Eisenhower years were gone. Our generation would collectively be forging a new path.

      I, however, was still caught in the web of “how it was supposed to be.” I wasn’t ready for change. I wanted to enjoy the life I had envisioned. One by one, my girlfriends became engaged to get married. I was maid-of-honor in my best friend’s wedding and I knew my wedding could not be far behind. We were young, but oh so eager to fulfill our destinies.

      In the spring of 1964, I became disillusioned with school since Daddy had not had the money for me to join the campus sorority. Because of this, I was now being excluded from many social activities. This was just another example of how my life continued to be so different from that of my peers. It was another heartbreaking realization.

      I decided to let Daddy marry Carolyn so we could all move to Cleveland and begin our new lives there. Barry would be home in less than a year, and I’d be living in the same town with him, which would make everything much easier for both of us. It had also dawned on me that this plan would mean more freedom for me since I would no longer be caring for my brother and running a house!

      There was only one glitch to my plan. Bobbie wasn’t going to let me off that easily. She decided that I could go to school at Kent State and engineered another full scholarship for me with no loss of credits since I was going from a quarter to trimester system! She just wouldn’t give up on me. I acquiesced. What else could I do?

      After Carolyn’s and Daddy’s simple wedding, we moved into our new home with Carolyn and her sons, Steve and Jim. On our first night there, Daddy told me it was time to do my job and put Howard to bed. I’d been asked to leave the dinner table earlier that evening when Carolyn and Daddy began to talk about their day. I’d realized immediately that my status had changed. I was no longer Daddy’s confidante, so I said “No!” I wouldn’t be his servant either.

      He was stunned. I said that Carolyn was Howard’s mom now, and it was time that they got to know one another. I was quitting my job and having some fun. Since I was now being treated like a kid instead of an equal, I would act like a kid.

      And that was that.

      Chapter 8

      Elusive Comfort

      After we moved to Carolyn’s spacious home in Shaker Heights, there was a lot for this newly blended family to learn about each other. Prior to the move Carolyn had systematically gone through our kitchen in Akron and thrown out all duplicate items that wouldn’t fit in her kitchen. This had been another heartbreaking event for me as I watched pots, pans, and other special items that had been associated with “home” or “Mom” being tossed away. There would have been a security or comfort in having things move with us that had belonged to us.

      But we essentially arrived in Cleveland with our clothes, Howard’s toys, our books and records, a couch, a TV, and Daddy’s favorite chair. Everything else was either thrown away, given away, or sold.

      Carolyn cooked differently, kept her house differently, and raised her children -- who were 11 and 13 -- differently. Although she was very kind, she was not demonstrative. I had been used to hugs and kisses even on our worst days. That was not forthcoming here.

      My sister and I had a small room at the top of the stairs while Carolyn’s boys kept their spacious rooms nearby. Although all these changes were challenging, I was determined that life was now going to be more fun for me.

      I met some more of Barry’s friends and made new friends. I dated and attended school. Nothing seemed as much fun as my life in Akron used to be. The east coast kids at Akron University were far more sophisticated and fun and I began to feel like I had been demoted in my new life. Kent State University was huge compared to Akron University where everyone had seemed to know everyone else. At Kent I was lost in a sea of students. I began to feel invisible.

      All this change made me depressed, which was a new emotion for me. Before, I’d been angry and determined. Now, I had nothing to be angry about, just a great sadness that life wasn’t better, only different. I began to put on weight, which didn’t help