Disentangle. Nancy L. Johnston

Work for some emotional distance:

      • Observe the other more than fully interact with him or her, as loss of your self is likely if you do get fully into the interaction.

      • Try to act out of your centeredness and not out of your reactions to the other person.

      • Use self-talk to help you when you are feeling pulled off your center (e.g., “I’m okay.” “It’s okay to say this.” “I haven’t done anything wrong.” “This is not my issue.”).

      • Be aware of the motivations behind what you say and do in interacting with the other. Make sure you are not saying or doing things to manipulate, control, or change them or to make them feel a certain way or do something specific. You are most likely to keep your centeredness if your motivation is to express your self assertively.

       Setting Healthy Boundaries

      * Slow down.

      * Listen to your own needs, wants, limits, beliefs, feelings.

      * Make “I” statements rather than ask questions.

      * Set and state your boundaries.

      * Mean your limits and stick with them.

      * Say things once.

      * Say things cleanly and without extensive discussion.

      * Stick to the topic.

      * Stay in the present.

      * Listen to the other person.

      * Acknowledge you hear what the other is saying, but try not to defend, rationalize, explain, justify, or convince in response to him or her. By doing so, you can lose your centeredness.

      * Be aware and observe your emotions and behaviors as you express those emotions and behaviors.

      * Learn when to stop.

      * Stop.

       Developing Spirituality

      * Slow down.

      * Simplify.

      * Be in the present.

      * Find some solitude.

      * Breathe deeply.

      * Relax your body.

      * Quiet your mind.

      * Sit in silence.

      * Discover your higher power.

      * Have an ongoing relationship with your higher power.

      * Let go of things you cannot control.

      * Practice these things.

      * Cultivate faith.

      This list takes a look at the big picture of disentangling. It is an overview of ideas that collectively give us power and confidence and serenity and hope for our self. I offer this to clients in individual and/or group therapy. I do not routinely offer it to clients until, as I get to know them, I see the value in their working on these elements. I am amazed at how often I do share this information. Certainly, clients coming in for help with family members and friends suffering from addiction frequently benefit by work in this area. Other clients are less clear in needing this information at first.

      A client of mine came in for panic attacks and anxiety. The panic was interfering with his daily functioning, making him miss his construction work for fear that he would have an attack. He had ulcers and periodic rashes. As I got to know him, he talked about his concerns about his relationship with his wife, who had several affairs. She did not want to commit to him and did not want to leave, either. It quickly became clear how entangled he was in their relationship and absolutely stuck about what to do next.

      A woman came to see me, concerned about her anger toward her young children and wanting to learn how to manage her feelings and behaviors with them. I learned about her history of a harsh and controlling childhood with her grandparents by whom she was raised. Her anger level at her grandfather was still very strong. She readily reexperienced his teasing, criticism, and sexual harassment of her. She was furious with him. She was angry with her children, one of whom reminded her of her grandfather. She could hardly contain her self.

      So, person by person, as I see the need, I pull out my handout, I copy it again, and we start to work on the pieces of disentangling, weaving together the influences of psychology, self-help, philosophy, and experience.

      And as I have worked with these individuals, sometimes one right after the other, I have been struck by how similar their issues and feelings are despite the differences in the content and details of their stories. And so, I have formed Disentangle Groups, where these people come together and talk to each other. They can share their stories and feelings. They can break their feelings of isolation. And they can gather skills, insight, and life.

      The advertisement for our groups summarizes much of what disentangling is all about, whether the person is doing that work individually or with a group:

       DISENTANGLE

       A COUNSELING GROUP

       For people who are want to break free emotionally from relationships that are unhealthy for them. This would include people who:

      • are dealing with codependency;

      • are adult children of people with addictions;

      • love too much;

      • are being emotionally or physically hurt in their love relationships;

      • want to get out of a relationship and can’t;

      • feel they have to be in full control of everything;

      • take care of others more than themselves.

       These relationships may be with anyone—parents, friends, romantic partners, children, co-workers, bosses, etc.

      The theoretical roots of this group are based on

      what we have learned about people living with addiction,

      and the same issues are present for many living in other

      unhealthy relationships. Thus, the group is open to anyone who feels too entangled with other(s).

      The group intends to help members set

      boundaries for themselves that will enable them

      to disentangle from others and feel better.

      The following chapters will take this overview of disentangling and look at the pieces of it in more detail, pieces that have become clearer and more describable as we have worked and lived with these ideas.

      First we will look at what I call The Basics. The Basics are general descriptions of what disentangling is about. The Basics are intended to help you understand what this process involves and what it can offer you.

      Then we will explore The Four Areas of Work involved in disentangling, looking at each of the Ideas on How to Disentangle previously presented. We will look at what each idea means, reasons for its usefulness, and practical ways to apply it.

      “Now what do you mean

      by ‘Disentangle’?”

       Charlotte, age 34

6

       The Basics

      In this chapter we will be looking