Strength. Sue Patton Thoele

of you instead of what is left of you.

      —KATIE REED

      BEING HERE, NOW

      One of the best ways to practice self-compassion is being aware of where you spend most of your waking hours. Is it in the present moment, the unknown future, or the pitfalls of the past?

      Of course, it's great to revisit the fun stuff down Memory Lane as well as experience an exhilarating spine-tingle or two peeking up Anticipation Alley. But it is self-compassionate to be wary of the maybe-never-gonna-happen worries dotting the landscape along Fear Freeway into the future and cautious of the depressions and rough patches marring the surface of Regret Road leading to the past.

      Whether we do or don't have past regrets or future fears, it's healthier for all of us to spend the majority of our time in the present rather than the past or the future. I know this is probably the million and oneth time you've heard it's wise to stay in the present moment and that my metaphor is incredibly corny, but maybe it's silly enough to stick. For both of us. I often used to take the rough road back into the past and wallow around in regrets and resentments I couldn't change, but I don't do it much anymore. I imagine that the many years and much practice I've had learning how to heal the past, release resentments, and make amends have made the difference. I don't spend much time thinking about the future either. Maybe that's one of the perks of aging, or possibly, I finally know and love myself enough to believe I can handle whatever does come along, so why worry? This is a huge relief, as I used to be a wizard at worrying.

      That said, if things in your past can be healed or amends need to be made, by all means, do it. If deep-seated wounds are still waiting for healing, please approach them gently and with help, if need be.

      Just today, I was feeling grateful to recently have had help in cleaning out a festering old wound and being able to forgive myself for allowing it and the other for inflicting it. If you know you need to make amends, give yourself the gift of at least attempting to bring the situation into balance and harmony. If that is impossible in the real world because the person is dead, unavailable, or unapproachable, you can still complete the process in the spiritual realm. This, too, may require some guidance.

      During your day . . .

       Consciously bring yourself into the present moment four or five times.

       If past wounds, given or received, need healing, take one small step toward doing so.

       While in the present moment, say “Hi” to your soul.

      Human beings can only be in the present. In the past, we were. In the future, we will be.

      ASKING WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU

       Unlike self-criticism, which asks if you're good enough, self-compassion asks, what's good for you?

      —KRISTIN NEFF

      I'm having a serious nap-attack. If I were to ask what's good for me right now, what would the answer be? Lie down, Dearie. As an experiment, and because I was really tired, I followed the advice and stretched out on the guest bed for a thirty-minute rest with my little dog, Lily, tucked against my side. Although I'd love to say we drifted off into a sweet slumber filled with even sweeter dreams, that didn't happen. Real life happened, as it often does. To start with, Lily was shivering. For an almost-ten-pound dog, her shivers are surprisingly intense, more like Lilliputian earthquakes. When she finally got warm enough to stop trembling, my husband came creeping in—I had forgotten he wanted to take her on a late afternoon walk—and took her off the bed. Fifteen minutes had elapsed. It took him another five minutes to get them both ready to go. (All this was happening right outside the room where I was “resting.”) As you can imagine, I did not peacefully nod off in the remaining ten minutes. After the annoyance passed, I chuckled, guessing you'd probably be able to relate to my aborted foray into asking what was good for me.

      Even so, asking what's good for you is a wonderfully self-compassionate habit to adopt. However, depending on how many responsibilities and obligations you shoulder, it may also be one you need to be very, very committed to in order not to become discouraged when what's good for you doesn't sit well with what others think is good for them. While we often chuckle and nod our heads in rueful agreement when seeing the adage “If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy” on a T-shirt or plaque, truthfully, in most families momma is the happy-maker. How can an unhappy-maker help anyone else be happy? Simply, the energy of an unhappy momma is enough to dampen the atmosphere in most homes.

      Therefore, prioritizing what is good for you is doing a favor to everyone with whom you relate, live, work, and play. But that favor will come to fruition only when you follow through and let yourself do what is good for you.

      Set yourself up for success by being realistic in your answers to the question “What is good for me?”

      During your day . . .

       To get in the habit, two or three times a day, ask yourself, “What is good for me right now?”

       If possible, do it. If not possible now, do it ASAP.

      You can only do what's good for you when you know what's good for you.

      SHARING EMOTIONS WISELY

      Self-compassion is one of our highest callings, and emotion one of our most valuable gifts. Why, then, do the two often collide? Ignorance and fear, most likely. In the grand scheme of our development, only recently has the mental health community encouraged gently facing feelings or viewed self-compassion as an attribute rather than a selfish indulgence. We are still in the process of integrating the “new” information into the deep recesses of our well-trained, ignore-feelings/think-of-self-last brains.

      The intensity of emotion also scares us. We ignore and repress emotion for fear it will overwhelm and defeat us. One of my most important tasks as a hospice worker was to help people face their powerful feelings of grief and, sometimes, regret and be there for them when they did. Even Loretta, who collapsed into an emotional abyss for two weeks, told me later that her time “in the pit” was good, a crash course in empathy and understanding. The outpouring of love and nurturing she received during her experience facilitated her healing. Friends housed, fed, and kept her safe. Once or twice they brought her to my office, where she sat wrapped in a blanket quietly sobbing or just being. I hadn't known her before grief knocked her down, but I respected her friends' assessment of her innate strength and their belief she'd be okay. As a hospice worker herself, she now passes on the love she experienced and the empathy she learned.

      With good reason, we also fear what will happen if we share our deepest feelings with those we love. In a few cases, our concerns are wise. Some people are not able to deal with raw, honest emotion and may run away when faced with yours. While that can definitely feel like a personal rejection, it's really about them, not you. If you have explained what you need from them while sharing and they still downplay your feelings, tune out, try to fix you, shame you, or suggest ten thousand ways to “get over it,” therapy might help. But, for now, they are not safe people with whom to share intensely painful feelings. Not because they don't love you or care about your feelings, but because their own feelings are triggered by yours, and they can't handle it. For your own well-being, lovingly choose to share only the lighter stuff with them.