Goodbye, Hurt & Pain. Deborah Sandella

associated with coronary heart disease (CHD).

      An interesting 2015 study analyzed language used on Twitter and found that people reflecting “negative emotions—especially anger—were at significantly greater risk for cardiovascular mortality” than those with positive emotional language patterns. The study controlled for income and education factors. The researchers suggest: “A cross-sectional regression model based only on Twitter language predicted AHD [atherosclerotic heart disease] mortality significantly better than did a model that combined ten common demographic, socioeconomic, and health risk factors including smoking, diabetes, hypertension, and obesity.”⁶

      Siegman and Smith further found that verbally sharing anger is positive and insightful, while an explosive, aggressive expression of anger is toxic to the heart. The research identifies the dangerous element to be aggressiveness, while Raymond A. DiGiuseppe, coauthor of the 2006 book Understanding Anger Disorders, finds revenge is the major driver of whether someone will behave in an aggressive way. He says it's hard to change such people with anger management classes because they feel justified in their feeling.⁷

      Interestingly, the research reflects a significant difference between how men and women handle similar levels of anger, with men scoring higher on “aggressive expression of anger.” Men show higher levels of “hostility” in comparison to women who are more likely to express their anger in a “communicative fashion.” The male editors share a powerful conclusion: “It is not at all unreasonable to suggest that gender differences in anger-hostility may account for the gender differences in coronary heart disease.”⁸

      Anger is feedback from the psyche and body that suggests you pay attention and investigate further to see what's happening because, although an uncommon occurrence, your safety could be jeopardized. When anger is fully allowed and understood, it becomes mobilizing, and decisions can be made that assure emotional and physical health. Twenty years of witnessing clients dealing with anger through the RIM process has shown me that identifying the underlying source of anger rapidly accelerates an understanding of what's happening and whether there is real danger and what action, if any, is indicated.

      For example, Mary was referred to me by her acupuncturist because she continued to experience physical symptoms secondary to intense, ongoing anger with her ex-husband, though they had been divorced for six years. He had remarried, but she still was so caught up in hating him for cheating on her, she was unable to enjoy her life. When Mary closed her eyes, followed her attention into her body, and sensed the energy of anger there, she saw it was like a smoldering volcano.

      As she acknowledged and greeted this hostile energy she was carrying in her body, the tension began to release. She talked freely to her imagined ex-husband without fear of retaliation or rejection. Gradually, as the emotion poured from her body through her words, she felt some inner openness. She had been holding a tightly wound ball of fury for a long time, and it had taken up a lot of room and required constant energy to contain. With this gut-level emptying of pent-up anger, Mary began to breathe more easily. Her thinking began to relax, and she had spontaneous insights of how she had contributed to the breakup of the marriage. Surprised and able to see she was not just a helpless victim, Mary felt lighter and freer. At the end of her process, she felt ready to begin living her own life in a joyful way.

      Her imagination also shared how their young daughter was in need of more fun. Through the unfolding imagery, Mary saw how her hostility was preventing playful interactions. Although regret came with this new awareness, she now felt she could spend time with her daughter differently.

      The week after Mary's single session, a follow-up message came from her referral source: “OMG, whatever happened with Mary must have been powerful. Right after her session, she called her ex-husband and apologized to him for her part in the breakup of their relationship, and now she is a different woman!”

      Hurt and Anger

      Anger and hurt are two sides of the same coin. Depending on your unique personality and life events, you spontaneously feel one of them first, but they are stacked. For example, Mary was stuck in her anger at being betrayed. As she dived into it and gave it a voice, she uncovered the deeper hurt. Previously, she had only allowed herself to experience the anger.

      Many women feel hurt first because they are uncomfortable with anger. Dipping into their depths, they eventually discover the anger. Barbara was deeply hurt that her stepdad had sexually abused her as a child. She could not understand why and tended to blame herself. When she found the hurt in her body and allowed it, she was also able to sense the underlying and appropriate indignant anger—“How could he be so narcissistic?” and “Where was Mom?” With a feeling of safety created through imagination, she could voice her angry feelings directly without risking emotional or physical retaliation. In the experience of standing up for herself for the first time, her countenance transformed from worry and tension to relaxation and beauty. Her appearance, in fact, changed dramatically. The previous hardness that had kept people away vanished, and she felt safe enough to be her true self: smart, soft, and beautiful.

      If anger expresses first, it is important to get down to the hurt, and if hurt shows up first, it is important to get down to the anger. Whichever feeling initially surfaces is more comfortable, and the one underneath is less comfortable. Diving into what is less comfortable and surviving unharmed yield resilience and strength.

      What is your conditioned take on anger? Did your family welcome such feelings or judge them? Were you punished or made fun of when angry? Did you share your feelings openly or were you ashamed?

      What anger is present for you right this minute? Is it indignation at how you've been treated by family, friends, a spouse, an employer, strangers? Take a minute to allow whatever there is to rise to the surface of your mind and take a look at it. Write it down so you can work with it in the Practice It Yourself section at the end of the chapter.

      Sadness and Grief

      Another set of often dammed feelings is sadness/grief. Who wants to be sad or grieve? No one. Most of us try to avoid these two related feelings at all costs. But sadness and grief are inevitable in this life. Some of us may have more than our share and some less, but it's impossible to live life without them. We all understand loss is a part of living. However, we play games to trick ourselves into believing we can transcend sadness and grief. Though this path may seem to be the high road at the time, it does not take into account the body's reaction—remember, emotional pain is a physical experience. This visceral response to discomfort is the nervous system preparing the body to react to stress or an emergency. You may think, “I'm okay,” but your body is still processing the experience in its own way.

      Sadness and grief are sometimes interchangeable, but they usually differ in duration. Sadness can last a few minutes to a few hours and represents a normal response to perceived and actual loss. Grief usually lasts a few weeks to a few years and involves various states of mind over the course of its resolution. Sadness, if extended, may become grief, and grief includes many feelings of sadness.

      Putting a name to these feelings makes them sound almost simple: “sadness and grief,” so neat and tidy. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. The internal, subjective experience of loss is indescribably painful—it's the realization that our life can change in a split second and we can lose what we have held close to keep us safe and happy. Grief shatters our illusion of control and involuntarily reveals feelings of helplessness.

      Early in my career, a bright, kind thirty-year-old woman I will call Jane taught me a great deal about sadness and grief. Years after her father's death, she was still holding on to the sadness; it was such a strong influence she found herself unable to develop a long-term romantic relationship. As she looked deeply into her connection with her deceased dad, two things became clear. First, she had a wonderfully close rapport with him and he had been her biggest cheerleader. Second, she was clinging to the sadness because it was all that was left