Goodbye, Hurt & Pain. Deborah Sandella

and he began to excel. His results and his confidence significantly improved so that he no longer wanted to retire.

      At the end of an interview for a documentary, the interviewer asked: “Can I ask you a personal question? I have experienced a trauma, and I feel it is still influencing me. I can feel it right here in my chest like a ball. Is it possible for it to go away?” The tenderness in his vulnerable, young voice was touching.

      “Yes, definitely,” I replied, “I've witnessed thousands of people release traumatic pain. Your spirit is greater than any human experience you've had.”

      He broke into a big smile and his countenance transformed from tentative and anxious to light and free. It was so obvious, I asked his interview partner if she noticed anything different. When he turned to face her, she looked completely surprised and said, “Wow, you look happy.”

      When I asked him what had changed, he said, “I have hope,” and smiled brightly and confidently. The mere shift of attention from fear to possibility can have remarkable results. Perspective is that powerful.

      What sadness or grief is lingering in your body? A death, a rejection, a hurt of some kind? Close your eyes, and ask your imagination for a number between one and ten (with ten being the most) of how much sadness/grief is influencing you:

      Move your attention into your heart, and notice a word pops into your mind of what pain remains and you get a sense of what it is. Write this word down so you can work with it further in the Practice It Yourself section below.

      Envy and Jealousy

      Feelings of envy are extremely difficult to acknowledge because they make us feel small-minded and less than we think we should be. Thus, we rarely share these feelings with others; they are our secrets. The reality is, there's always someone out there who is more successful and others who are less successful. These “more successful” people can find others who are “more so than they” and so on. It's an almost never-ending process.

      The key is for us to recognize our feelings as feedback rather than something good or bad, so we can learn from them. Jealousy is frequently a projection of what we want and feel we can't have. Looking at them as something of a Rorschach test,⁹ we see in the people we envy a reflection of what is inside us that wants to express more fully. These people who inspire jealousy instead of admiration mirror a passionate purpose or inherent desire in us that wants to express in a bigger way.

      At a social gathering, a woman shared how she couldn't figure out why she was feeling jealous of her friend who got a piano and was taking lessons. Finally, she realized she had always wanted to learn how to play the piano. Once she acknowledged these feelings, it happened that someone she knew was getting rid of a piano and she offered to take it. With two young children taking most of her attention, her piano lessons and practicing have become gratifying personal time.

      When you allow yourself to name your jealous feelings (it takes guts), you can unabashedly uncover their hidden purpose. You also connect positively with those you envy—“I am the same as they”—which raises your self-esteem.

      I have been blessed over the last eleven years to work with New York Times best-selling author Jack Canfield (classic books: Chicken Soup for the Soul® series and Success Principles™), initially as a student and progressing to coauthor and friend. There came a time when my work had expanded and grown, but remained limited compared to Jack's. I felt frustrated by reaching smaller numbers of people through RIM; I worried that many more people were needlessly suffering and I wasn't able to get to them.

      Around this time, I became seriously jealous of Jack, who had always been kind and supportive to me. I saw his mastery at teaching audiences of hundreds, even thousands, of people at a time and the way he stayed authentic and honest. He could adeptly facilitate difficult seminar situations in ways that were graceful and effective. I also envied his support resources that made it easy for him to reach millions. In other words: I wanted to be him.

      Initially, I felt bad that I would have these feelings for someone who was a great friend and wonderful mentor. Then I realized it wasn't about Jack; the jealous voice was from me and about me and it was saying: “Deb, you are playing smaller than your inner urge. . . . You are playing it safe.” Sensing that truth, I decided to take more risks and step into greater visibility, and my jealousy organically dissolved. Instead of viewing Jack in comparison to me, I was able to see him as my inspiration again.

      After 2008 and one of the stock market crashes, my husband and I realized we needed to limit travel for a while. When I heard our friends sharing their fun trips, I felt envious. Born an adventurer, I longed for the stimulation and excitement. The discomfort of this jealousy caused me to seek a resolution. Soon the idea of offering international retreats popped into my head. This new business venture paid for exotic travels and even brought additional income.

      Not only did retreats dissolve my feelings of jealousy; they called me to expand. As I guided groups to Maui, Costa Rica, Australia, and Peru, there were constant challenges that spurred me to grow my skills, and I loved it. This growth was a springboard to greater vitality and connection.

      Self Check-In

      Who makes you the most jealous? What is it about this person that really gets you? Is she or he making more money? Exercising greater power? Expressing more talents? Having more fun? Fostering a healthier, fitter body? Having greater closeness in an intimate relationship? Name this quality you want more of right now. For example, I was jealous of Jack Canfield's level of successfully fulfilling his purpose in his work. Thus, I wanted to live my purpose more successfully.

      Once you have named the quality you want more of, ask your imagination to give you a number on a scale of one to ten (ten being the most) of how much you are manifesting this quality currently. Whatever number pops into your mind first, receive it, letting go of any desire to edit.

      Imagine standing in the number you received and, with eyes closed or open, looking to the “ten” where your imagination shows you an image of you speaking and acting in a way that fully embraces this quality. By looking to the “ten” from where you are, you can easily sense the step-by-step course to greater fulfillment. These steps are your road map to a more fully lived life. For example, when I looked to the “ten” level of living my purpose, I saw myself taking immediate action to write a new book, expand RIM class offerings, and seek RIM research opportunities. The underbelly of envy and jealousy is an unconscious holding back of yourself. Some of us have grown up in families and cultures feeding us messages like “Don't get too big for your britches” and “It's selfish to call attention to yourself or your needs.” In these situations, you may have learned to shy away from playing at the level that excites you. The emotional result can be to think you are less capable than you are and to take fewer risks.

      If this is happening for you, you can stretch beyond your comfort zone to explore. Stepping out is scary at first—until you begin to experience greater aliveness, joy, and sense of purpose. Then the call to the quest becomes compelling.

      When my husband wanted to make a career change before his fiftieth birthday, we decided to put aside our work to take the kids on a yearlong personal sabbatical to Australia. Around this time, I came across a poignant quote by French philosopher André Gide: “One does not discover new lands, without losing sight of the shore for a very long time.” I thought, “Oh yes, we're losing sight of the shore for a year.” That year was so transformational for the entire family, it has developed into a way of life for each of us. We have been drawn to lose sight of the shore regularly. We visit the shore of “comfortable same old” for a while, then head out again to explore unknown waters.

      You have new shores calling to you,