Cheating Parents. Dennis Ortman

      

      Copyright © 2014 by Dennis Ortman, PhD

      All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form whatsoever, including electronic, mechanical or any information storage or retrieval system, except as may be expressly permitted in the 1976 Copyright Act or in writing from the publisher.

      Requests for permission should be addressed to:

      New Horizon Press

      P. O. Box 669

      Far Hills, NJ 07931

      Dennis Ortman, PhD

      Cheating Parents: Recovering from Parental Infidelity

      Cover design: Wendy Bass

      Interior design: Scribe Inc.

      Library of Congress Control Number: 2013935929

      ISBN 13: 978-0-88282-457-4

      New Horizon Press

      18 17 16 15 14 1 2 3 4 5

      DEDICATION

      To Nicole, Jackie, and David, who bring me untold joy.

AUTHOR’S NOTE

      This book is based on the author’s research, personal experiences, interviews and real life experiences. The names and details of the stories presented throughout the book have been changed to protect the confidentiality of my clients. The stories of several of my clients have also been stitched together to weave a single story. My thanks to those who have shared their lives with me.

      For purposes of simplifying usage, the pronouns his/her and s/he are sometimes used interchangeably. The information contained herein is not meant to be a substitute for professional evaluation and therapy with mental health professionals.

      CONTENTS

Author’s Note

Introduction

Part 1: Those Who Identify with the Aggressor

Chapter 1: The Lustful Betrayer—Knowing No Limits

Chapter 2: The Excitement-Seeking/Addicted—Holding On for Dear Life

Chapter 3: The Disengaged Workaholic—Being an Actor in a Play

Part 2: Those Who Identify with the Victim

Chapter 4: The Vigilant Victim—Shrinking from Life

       Chapter 5: The Angry Perfectionist—Standing Against Reality

       Chapter 6: The Proud Caretaker—Feeling Superior in Love

       Part 3: Those Who Disengage in Relationships

       Chapter 7: The Grasping Avoider—Hanging On in Quiet Desperation

       Chapter 8: The Withdrawn Melancholic—Nobody Suffers Like I Do

       Chapter 9: The Laid-Back Outsider—Going to Sleep on Oneself

       Part 4: Ineffective Ways of Parenting

      Chapter 10: The Controlling Parent—Father Knows Best

      Chapter 11: A Friend, Not a Parent—Finding Security in Love

      Chapter 12: The Absent Parent—Flight to Safety

       Part 5: Challenges of Offending and Offended Parents

      Chapter 13: The Offending Parent—The Truth Will Set You Free

      Chapter 14: The Offended Parent—You Are Stronger Than You Think

      Chapter 15: What to Tell the Children

       Epilogue: Grieving the Losses of Childhood

       Acknowledgments

       Endnotes

INTRODUCTION

      Ryan sat on the top step, listening from the depths of his soul. He had never been so still, so focused, in his short eleven years of life. Awakening him from a sound, dreamless sleep, his parents’ angry shouting and the crash of a broken dish had startled him but hearing his parents arguing grabbed his full attention. He lay awake in bed, afraid to move. Initially, fear gripped him as he was jolted from the comfort of sleep. Then, curiosity: “What’s going on downstairs? What are Mom and Dad arguing about?” he wondered. The blood pulsed through his head to the rhythm of the familiar sound of their shouting. Ryan’s mind raced with fearful thoughts: “Are they going to divorce? Is Daddy going to hurt Mommy? What will happen to me? Who will take care of me?”

      Torn between fear and curiosity, Ryan argued with himself about whether to remain in the safety of his bed or get up and venture into the unknown. Finally, he decided he had to know. He crawled slowly out of bed and tiptoed to the landing at the top of the stairs. The light from downstairs seeped up into the darkness of the second floor. Ryan sat in shadows. He could not see his parents around the corner in the kitchen but he could hear the noise of their fighting. He could feel the intensity of their feelings, the rage that was spewing forth from both his parents. The fury he heard transfixed him to that spot, warning him to go no further.

      So he simply listened, his mind in utter confusion. His racing thoughts and their fervent yelling prevented him from hearing exactly what they were saying. Perched on the top step with his elbows on his knees, head in his hands, he focused his attention and listened. First he discerned isolated words, swear words he was forbidden to speak and fragments like “another woman, betrayal.” The words slowly took the shape of sentences in his confused mind. Then suddenly, the startling idea, Dad was seeing another woman, and Mom could not stand it. Ryan didn’t know what that meant but he knew it was not right by the intensity of their arguing and what he had learned in Catholic school about marriage for life.

      As