Mending the Heart. Lisa Duffy

it was like to come to this realization as he went through the annulment process. He was married to his wife, Allison, for about six years before he filed for divorce, and he shares part of his experience:

      I never dreamed I would ever do such a thing. When we got married, I thought the rest of our lives would be great, but Allison’s constant, unrepentant infidelity made me realize I had no other option. Our five-year-old son was being neglected and negatively affected by seeing his mother with other men. I couldn’t just stand by and do nothing. Now he and I are just trying to live as normal lives as possible.

      Reading through the annulment questionnaire was difficult at first, but ultimately, it opened my eyes to what had really happened. I recognized things I couldn’t see when Allison and I were first dating and in love. Growing up, Allison’s family had many struggles with abuse, which she rarely talked about because it upset her. After discussing it once with me, she would change the subject whenever I brought up the issue. It never occurred to me that this was something that could pose a problem; I just thought she wanted me to respect her privacy.

      I was always amazed that Allison said yes when I asked her to marry me because she was such a popular girl. We got married shortly after college, but in hindsight, I don’t think she ever was really interested in being a mom or a wife; she just wanted a different life than what she had. When she got tired of me, she ran to someone else for gratification. This was the hard truth I had to come to terms with.

      Subconsciously, I know I was not willing to admit this before, but in having to write it all down, it really helped me to accept this about us and find peace. I felt like I could begin to move forward.

      Terry’s case is not that unusual, and it illustrates how a couple can have the appearance of a valid marriage on the outside but not truly have one. Allison did not come to the altar with the intention of marrying for life. She also had emotional issues that, left unaddressed, became an obstacle to her being able to fully commit herself as a spouse. This brings us to the next, natural question: What kinds of situations would make a couple incapable of having a valid marriage?

       The Obstacles

      Situations that can prevent a couple from bringing a valid marriage into being on the day of their wedding are called “obstacles,” and they can arise in many different areas:

      • First, the bride and the groom must have complete freedom to give themselves to each other. When might this not be the case? There could be pressure from parents to get married, or maybe the bride is pregnant. Maybe the marriage is taking place only to secure citizenship in a particular country. These are examples of circumstances that would constitute a deficiency and would prohibit the bride and groom from creating a valid bond.

      • Moreover, the bride and the groom must come to the altar with the intention of creating a lifelong marriage relationship and accepting children as God gives them (the unitive and procreative aspects of marriage). If either of these intentions is absent from the bride’s or the groom’s perspective, a valid marriage cannot take place.

      • Next, both the bride and the groom must have complete understanding of the vows they are taking, and they need to possess the emotional and psychological ability to live them.

      • Finally, the marriage must be consummated. If a couple has the wedding, but they never consummate the marriage, their union is not indissoluble. This is a special case, and such marriages would require a special dispensation from the pope to be dissolved.

      Going through the annulment process and finding that an impediment existed to making a valid bond between you and your former spouse can be very difficult. This is especially hard to accept if you stood at the altar with full freedom and love, with full understanding and the proper intentions, but you come to realize that your ex-spouse may not have had the same intentions, understanding, or freedom. And it may also be that something about your intention or understanding was where the impediment lay. In chapter 4, author and annulment consultant Rose Sweet will offer an example of this for us in the story she shares.

      Don’t despair. With God’s grace, coming to recognize the truth about your relationship can have a cleansing effect that will help you deal with the breakdown of your marriage as you go through this process.

       A Little Encouragement