Mending the Heart. Lisa Duffy

that befall us, but to underscore the truth that with every suffering we encounter comes growth and refreshment. With every challenge, there can be triumph, for Ecclesiastes also promises “a time to heal … a time to laugh … a time to dance.”

      And that is what God intends for you despite your divorce: personal triumph.

      It begins with simply understanding that nothing you could ever do can make God love you less. It doesn’t matter if you initiated your divorce or if your ex-spouse did. God loves you as much today as the day he breathed life into your soul in your mother’s womb. Despite all the heartbreak of losing your marriage, God wants to heal you.

      I speak from experience. I never wanted to be divorced, but it happened anyway. The pain I endured for so many years felt as though it should have killed me, and at times I thought it would. But it didn’t. And the very fact that it didn’t speaks of the great hope there is for each of us. If the pain and suffering is so terrible that it feels as though you’ll die, but you continue to live, it means there is hope, there is a future, and God still has good things in store for you.

      But how do you go from being desperately miserable to happy again? One very important step you can take is the Catholic annulment process. In my experience, although it was difficult to sift through the details of my failed marriage and revisit painful memories, it changed me. It helped me become a better, wiser, stronger person. It helped me accept the truth of what had happened and recognize that, although I fought for my marriage, I had contributed to the divorce. I had not been a perfect spouse. This was very freeing for me. And in the end, it helped me come to terms with the fact that we never had a valid marriage in the eyes of God. That’s what the annulment process does: it brings clarity on all fronts. These are the reasons why I encourage you to consider going through this healing process yourself.

      Not every divorced Catholic is required to go through the annulment process — only those who want to remarry in the Church. If you don’t see yourself ever marrying again, you are not compelled to apply for the annulment process. Yet you still might consider doing it for a few important reasons. First, going through the annulment process offers a level of healing that is unique and difficult to find through any other means. Also, the annulment process offers you the opportunity to know without a doubt where you stand with the Church after your divorce. Everyone deserves the chance to have this confirmation and clarity. There are spiritual and eternal ramifications to divorce and annulment. That is precisely why the Catholic Church offers the annulment process, so that you can look beyond what a civil court has ruled and the social implications of divorce to what the actual spiritual reality may be.

      Just thinking about starting the Catholic annulment process can be very confusing. There is a lot of material out there, and much of it is unhelpful. Myths and misinformation have been perpetuated for many years, and too many people — both within the Church and outside — have accepted them as truth. Following Pope Francis’ changes to the annulment process in 2015, and the inaccurate reporting from the secular media about what those changes entailed, things have gotten even more puzzling, and it can be tough to know where to look for answers.

      Rest assured, you are not alone in seeking answers. There are millions of Catholics, both divorced and non-divorced, who do not understand what the annulment process is all about. And because this is truly a legal process within the Church, the language is not necessarily easy to grasp. As a result, people don’t feel comfortable looking to the primary sources for information, and they fall prey to the wide range of myths and misinformation that others, who also do not understand, have circulated.

      It is my hope that in reading this book, you will not only receive the answers you are seeking but also a greater sense of the hope and healing that can come from going through the annulment process.

      Chapter One

      “A Time to Tear, and a Time to Sew”

       What the Annulment Process Really Is and Why It Matters

      It happened on a Sunday afternoon.

      I was walking my dog at the local park that sunny summer day in 1993, trying to think positive thoughts — but my heart was filled with dread, and I knew something bad was coming. As I made my way back to the house, I saw my husband’s black Toyota Celica come racing down the street. I went inside and waited for him. He had been gone for several days without a phone call or an explanation, and as he walked into the kitchen, he announced he was leaving me and filing for divorce.

      My life was completely torn apart. I pleaded with him to reconsider his decision, to at least explain why he was leaving, but the most I could get out of him was that we had grown apart, and that now he wanted different things out of life than he had when we got married.

      Of course, I was devastated. I did not want to get divorced, and I was willing to do whatever it took to make the marriage work. Not only had I married for life, but I was Catholic, and I knew that Catholics are not supposed to get divorced. This is because the Catholic Church upholds Christ’s teaching that marriage was created to be a permanent union — so really, no one is supposed to get divorced, but Catholics are bound by that teaching.

      But my husband would not change his mind. My life changed dramatically from that day forward. The life I had worked so hard to build during the years we were married began being dismantled piece by piece as we went through the legal process of separation and divorce. I would now have to figure out what kind of future was in store for me. I would need to figure out how to put the pieces back together, how to mend my life.

       Finding My Way Back to the Future

      Like anyone who gets divorced, I had to find a way to start again and forge a new future for myself. The hard part was knowing where to begin. Of course, I had a lot of questions, many of them about how I would reconcile the fact that I was now both divorced and Catholic: Could I still receive the sacraments? Was I still welcome at church? Was God ashamed of me?

      Little by little, I received answers from the priest who was counseling me during that time. And after getting myself through those first horrible months of overwhelming pain — pain so intense that it felt as though I should have died because of it, I began to wonder about the annulment process and whether or not it was right for me. I was thirty years old at the time, and although my preference was to reconcile with my husband and remain married, that option had been declined by my ex-spouse. Looking ahead to the future, the idea of being alone for the rest of my life seemed like cruel and unusual punishment. I was confident my vocation in life was to marriage, and I was distraught at the idea of facing the future by myself.

      I really didn’t know anything about the annulment process, just that it was an option for Catholics in my position. Yet every time I entertained the idea of “getting an annulment” — as I had heard it put so many times — I had this nagging feeling that something wasn’t quite right.

      How could it be that I stood before God, family, and friends the day we got married and pledged my life to my husband, for better or for worse, but suddenly the State of California could step in and declare my marriage was over? It was supposed to be a permanent relationship. How does that happen? Before the ink had barely dried on the divorce papers, my ex-spouse was calling someone else his wife. According to just about everyone else, that was it. Our marriage was over. But I was convinced there had to be more to it than that. It seemed so easy — too easy — for something that was supposed to last forever to be suddenly over at the crack of a gavel. Something was very wrong and unsettling about that.

      There was a lot I needed to do before I could consider the possibility of going through the annulment process. I had so many questions, and it was a bit overwhelming. Many people I talked to about it had varying opinions — sometimes polar opposites — and I ended up not really knowing what to think.

      Your circumstances may be altogether different from mine. Maybe you were not abandoned by your spouse but were pushed to the point of making the choice to divorce because of some sort of abuse. There are many scenarios that could bring you to this point. But no matter what your situation is, you probably also feel that there has to be more to the annulment