The Movie Doctors. Simon Mayo

belief, that it’s not how fast and furious the chase is, it’s how overcrowded it is.

      Dr K: I am. That’s exactly what I’m saying.

      Dr M: But still, they’re usually boring, aren’t they?

      Dr K: Well a lot of them are because they’re too inconsequential. You’re supposed not to care that fifty-six people have just been shunted off the freeway in a frenzy of twisted metal and squealing brakes because, hey, they’re not the stars of the movie!

      Dr M: Well you should toughen up a bit. Be like the guy who wins the chase. You crash through the streets of San Francisco or Las Vegas or Rome at 150 mph pursued by an evil assassin in some souped-up, off-road supercar and you emerge with nothing more than a rather sexy cut on the right edge of your forehead. That’s class.

      Dr K: Precisely. ‘Whiplash’ becomes merely the title of a film about a drummer (which, incidentally, isn’t really about a drummer).

      Dr M: So we agree. Unless there are actual people, in actual cars, with speed bumps, we’re not advocating a car chase to get your pulse racing?

      Dr K: Yes, I think that’s medically sound.

      BEYOND BELIEF

      Movie Heroes Who Defy Medical Science

      JAMES BOND

      SKYFALL (2012)

      Shot with a depleted uranium shell, plummeting into a river from a racing train and fighting under water so cold it would make the surface of Mars feel like the Seychelles counted as a mildly hectic afternoon for 007 who, we submit, would have been as dead as an unnamed extra within the first seven minutes of the film.

      How dead?

      FRODO BAGGINS

      THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING (2003)

      The Movie Doctors – despite our lack of detailed medical knowledge – can happily confirm that anyone who stands that close to a lake of molten rock bubbling nicely at 1200°C (in the accurately named Mount Doom) would simply self-combust. Unless you are a geothermal miracle and have magma running through your veins, you’re having a lava.

      How dead?

      JOHN RAMBO

      RAMBO (2008)

      Most of the gunshots in Rambo seem to either sever their targets around the midriff (Dr M: Medically speaking, ‘the abdomen’) or produce a gory collage of brain and blood from a direct head shot. Rambo himself is made of sterner American steel. Plugged on the shoulder by a cannon, yes an actual Burmese military cannon mounted on a gunboat, he screams in pain a bit, and then carries on with the carnage. Proof that moral certainty based on a superior political system can perform biological miracles.

      How dead?

      VINCENT

      COLLATERAL (2004)

      When Jamie Foxx decides he’s had enough of Tom Cruise in the back of his cab (and who amongst us hasn’t thought that), he takes action. Instead of pulling over and asking him to leave, he turns the car over multiple times amid much metal-sparking, screeching of tyres and smashing of glass. The car finally comes to an upside-down halt and Tom shakes his head, dusts down his attractive suit and continues on foot. We don’t even think he was wearing a seatbelt . . .

      How dead?

      JOHN MCCLANE

      DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE (1995)

      Tom the cat in Tom and Jerry has nothing on John McClane in the Die Hard franchise – he can dust himself down having fallen fifty feet, survive a hailstorm of machine-gun fire and, in a scene the Movie Doctors particularly like for its medical accuracy, can throw a massive explosive device out of the back of a subway train and survive unscathed – always armed with a pithy one-liner and a winning grimace. And our favourite vest, ever.

      How dead?

      DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE

      Essential First Aid in the Cinema

      The Movie Doctors recommend that each and every cinemagoer undertakes at least a basic course in first aid because the cinema can be a physically and psychologically challenging experience. For example, say your movie companion is sucking on a chili dog (like John Mellencamp said) and a piece lodges itself in his/her throat, how do you rescue the situation while still maintaining focus on the action? Or, say, during Diana your buddy experiences an existential crisis of identity brought on by the mind-numbing awfulness of everything, how do you lead him/her back to tranquillity and self-respect? Part first-aid kit, part instruction manual, our guide to essential first aid in the cinema is an invaluable resource.

      PHARMACY

      Everyone needs a little balance in their lives, but try telling that to the average Hollywood executive, panicked by the latest test screenings which show their sure-fire summer blockbuster is sinking faster than the Lusitania. Luckily, the Movie Doctors are here with their bag of totally legal, mood-altering movies to bring you up or down a notch, on demand. We also have a cure for the needle-phobic. Just tell us what the problem seems to be, and the Movie Doctors can fix it.

      UPPERS AND DOWNERS

      Movies to Lighten or Darken Your Soul

      Working in the media, we see many wrecked and ruined lives. Talented men and women who started so full of hope and promise but who then got sucked into the downward spiral of Big Brother, Keeping Up with the Kardashians and The Week in Westminster.

      Occasionally, however, we encounter those happy folk who are too enthusiastic, too keen to progress, too optimistic about their inevitable career path. They smile and bellow from all corners of the building about how their latest idea has been commissioned without even a budget, a presenter or a title. We all come to the reassuring conclusion that there is something very wrong here, some darkness they are dying to conceal.

      Whether we are meeting the cheerful or the sad, the Movie Doctors always carry an emergency pack of mood-altering films to bring the desperate and needy back to normality. Here we share them with you so that you too can be prepared to meet life’s ups and downs with equanimity. Let’s start with gloom . . .

      DOWNERS

      If you suspect that you are being a little too positive at work, if your pay rise was slightly on the generous side and your colleagues admire you just a bit too much, here are some movies to take you down a peg or two. These are depressing films not because they are cheap, badly made or poorly acted, but because they are bleak. Because just reading about them fills your heart with darkness and makes you stare, along with Mr Herzog, into the abyss. Use sparingly and always in a light, airy, well-ventilated room.

      ANGELA’S ASHES (1999)

      A miserable, poor, wet, sick, violent, cruel Catholic childhood in Limerick becomes slightly less miserable in New York.