The Trespassers. Morris Panych

had it in for my grandfather.

      CASH wears a security guard uniform from the local Museum of Forestry.

      CASH

      And that is also not true.

      LOWELL

      It’s all very psychological.

      CASH

      Is that a peach?

      LOWELL

      I’m not sure.

      CASH

      Did your grandfather put you up to this?

      LOWELL

      He says they’re fair play.

      CASH

      Not from someone else’s property.

      LOWELL

      They don’t even live here anymore.

      CASH

      Doesn’t matter.

      LOWELL

      It’s the redistribution of wealth.

      CASH

      There’s no such thing.

      LOWELL

      They’re just lying there on the ground, Mom. Do you call that an equitable situation?

      CASH

      A what?

      LOWELL

      If somebody doesn’t use something, then they shouldn’t have it, and that’s final.

      CASH

      I don’t have the energy for you, Lowell. Go find something useful to do.

      LOWELL

      Everything I do around here is practically illegal.

      CASH

      If it involves a rifle again, yes.

      MILTON

      Tell me about the rifle.

      LOWELL

      I took it out so Grandpa could teach me how to aim.

      HARDY appears with a rifle.

      HARDY

      Cock your head slightly to the side; that’s it. Pay attention; this is a dangerous weapon.

      LOWELL

      You said “cock.”

      HARDY

      You should be able to see clearly the two sights of the rifle. That’s how you line it up.

      MILTON

      What did you shoot?

      HARDY

      Steady hand, steady hand. See if you can hit the letter o.

      LOWELL

      We tried to shoot the r completely out of the sign and make the v into an r so it would say “pirate property.”

      MILTON

      So you’re a pretty good shot then.

      LOWELL

      No.

      A gunshot, distant, but distinct.

      HARDY

      Looks more like “primate property” now.

      LOWELL

      Sometimes we shot at peaches, to watch them explode.

      HARDY shoots.

      HARDY

      Beautiful.

      LOWELL

      Besides, what else is there to do in this thankless valley?

      MILTON

      You tell me.

      LOWELL

      You tell me.

      MILTON

      Oh. I’m sorry. Are you asking the questions, now?

      LOWELL

      Why do we live here anyway, Grandpa?

      HARDY

      Somebody had to.

      LOWELL

      Sitting on a porch all day is about it. Grandpa calls this booger country.

      HARDY

      Nose picking—it’s about the only industry left.

      CASH

      Don’t you have any friends?

      LOWELL

      No.

      CASH

      What have you done all day?

      LOWELL

      You know.

      CASH

      What about that boy who just moved in? That one with the what do you call it—

      LOWELL

      Weird head? (out) A boy moved to our town. It was a singular experience. No one has moved here since anyone can remember; they only just move out. But he moved in with his family and his weird head. They started a grocery but nobody goes there—ever.

      CASH

      Don’t say “weird head.”

      LOWELL

      (to CASH) His ears are too low; have you noticed? Grandpa says it’s from being amphibian. Did you know that we are descended from sea creatures? We’re at the forward end of an evolutionary process, but if something goes haywire in the womb, it’s what happens—a reversion to am-phib-ianism. That’s why you look exactly like a fish before you’re born—because you’re not even a human being yet, just evolving into one, basically.

      CASH

      A fetus is a human being.

      LOWELL

      That’s not what Grandpa says.

      CASH

      Your grandfather is going to Hell.

      LOWELL

      Hell is completely full.

      HARDY

      Not even the Pope could get in now.

      CASH

      Whatever happened to that girl from the apartments? She’s nice.

      LOWELL

      Her father got arrested.

      CASH

      He did?

      LOWELL

      Anyway, their house smells like pee.

      CASH

      No it doesn’t.

      LOWELL

      How would you know?

      CASH

      I just know.

      LOWELL

      It smells like pee. I’m telling you. All the boys in one room and they all pee the bed; there’s five of them in there. Five boys in one room. You should see it. It’s a dereliction of social mores.

      CASH

      Is that right?

      LOWELL

      By the way, is it okay to jack off with another person?

      CASH

      Oh my God.

      LOWELL

      Just asking.

      CASH

      What are you