Very bad English / Очень плохой English. Яна Варшавская

MEPhI, then a horny girl gave me signs until I pressed F9.

      Then…

      He looked at me, eyes wide, and stuttered. From surprise, I think. At first, I also thought that I was looking at my reflection in the monitor glass. Then he pushed the curtains shut so that the light from the lantern did not hit the window, and went to the screen. His face became brighter. Unlike me, he was wearing a whitewashed T-shirt without any logos, while I was wearing a black T-shirt with a lemon-yellow John Lennon face.

      He stuttered in English for half a minute. It is never possible to guess what will happen next with Skype. Therefore, the guy tried to hear something from me, before the connection is interrupted, not even through my fault.

      What the hell are the astral twins. I looked at him and saw myself…

      I think he saw the same. But he constantly kept talking about some dreams. I understood a little. From the pronunciation of this guy it was difficult to determine his country. Apparently, that was some kind of northern state… This whole situation…

      A damn joke!

      And then an idea came to my mind. I asked:

      «When you were born?»

      «August 9th, 1985,» he answered.

      «August 9? Right? And where?» Three of my short questions followed at once, but I did not receive a single intelligible answer. Well, at least I could understand and answer something.

      «My mother reluctantly talks about it,» my twin said.

      «And now, can you tell where you are?»

      «Minneapolis, USA.»

      «I'm in Tomsk. Siberia! Well, you know: matreshka, lapti and bears!» I tried to joke.

      I was not good at joking. A sticky stream of cold sweat ran down my back… Finally, I asked for his name.

      «Donald Frost, or just Doni,» he answered. «And you?»

      «Dormidont,» I answered for some reason…

      He said that he was going to Europe for business or personal reasons and that he wanted to come to St. Petersburg if he was approved by a Russian visa. When I was ready to break the connection, he suddenly, noticing my watercolor portrait hanging on the wall, asked who its author was.

      I could literally feel a treacherous cold stream of sweat running down his spine…

      «Her name is Tatiana,» I replied, and showed the recent Taska's photo, taken against the backdrop of a gobbled Wolf, «The Monument to Happiness.»

      His face changed even more than at the beginning of the conversation.

      «I know her! Rather, I saw her. In a dream. Really. I just did not know where to look for her. Whether it is real or just an obsession,» he sighed.

      He exhaled and looked at me as if his whole life depended on me now to say the least! I saw an unhealthy glow in his eyes. I know it happens in the eyes of people whose despair borders on madness… Or love. In a word, it was a kind of painful and desperate sparkle. He begged me to give at least her address. I reasoned that Taska would risk absolutely nothing if he wrote her a few lines… And send her a letter. In an envelope. Maybe she wouldn't read it… Which would be in her style. She'd throw it somewhere without even opening the envelope, or immediately take it in the trash. Carefully, in block letters, he copied Tatiana's address. «The idea is hopeless!» I thought. We wanted to exchange phones just in case… But at this very moment the lights went out in the entire house. «Damn!» I swore, and went to look for a flashlight.

      In the morning, this whole story seemed a terrible delirium. The beer still made me feel bad. Maybe I even took myself off. The beer was horrible. The guy from the monitor obviously was my nightmare, and the electricity seemed to be gone nowhere. The refrigerator vibrated pleasantly, the computer was also on! Definitely I took myself off… Gotta call Tasks later. You don't get drunk from one bottle of beer every day!

      Chapter 3

      What He Managed to Tell Her…

      August pampered with warm weather.

      But things at the university went bad… Again, all allowances were cut, leaving a bare salary. Sometimes I start thinking that my apartment is too luxurious for me. Taska feels all right with six meters…

      The phone is ringing. It's her. I thought of her a moment ago! Something happened, I can feel it!

      She caught me thinking about the vicissitudes of Fate. After all, after that mysterious video session, every evening I tried to go back to Chatroulette. But apart from uninteresting subjects, the Universe sent me nothing. For about two months this idea somehow warmed me up, but then I stopped thinking about it, being inclined to think that my astral twin is just an alcohol nightmare.

      «So stupid!» Taska started her monologue, anxious. I had to ask questions from time to time in order not to seem a senseless moron.

      «His shoes?»

      «Well yes! Shoes always betray the owner.»

      Tanya looked at her black pumps with a slight condemnation and continued:

      «Explain how a long zipped boot could be five to seven meters away from the body?»

      «I never thought of such things…» I answered without listening.

      «So what did he say?» I asked again, still thinking of my strange Skype conversation, and sat next to Taska.

      «What did he say? He said that now the thread was broken!» She repeated the words of the former resident of our university dormitory.

      I pondered her words for some time. Then I stood up, silently opened the cupboard and took out a bottle of cognac. On my way to the kitchen, I thought of asking her if she got any emails from strangers, but then I changed my mind. I brought bellied wine glasses, poured cognac and drank it. It felt better.

      Automatically, without feeling the taste, I chewed huge olives stuffed with anchovies.

      Taska also made few sips, then took a wooden toothpick, pierced an olive and put it into her mouth.

      «I don't understand how you can eat it!» She was amazed when she noticed that my olive jar was almost empty.

      We almost finished with a bottle of inexpensive cognac that I kept from some party. My thoughts started going in the right direction, so I decided to introduce her to my mirror theory and tell her about astral twins.

      «Dorian, are you serious?»

      She looked at the empty bottle, then at the old watch, and realized that if she doesn't go to bed, her to-dos will remain unhandled…

      She smiled, putting her favorite grey elephant under her head, took the blanket and immediately fell asleep.

      Chapter 4

      The Aquarium

      I had a very bad sleep that night. I woke up an infinite number of times, trying to fall asleep again. At four o'clock in the morning I went out onto the balcony and looked at the still dark sky with a billion stars. My God, how boundless the Universe is… What worthless insects, what kind of… microbes we must seem to the Creator with our eternal claims and discontent against the background of this cosmic Beauty! Reluctantly, already yawning, I returned to the warm bed and immediately fell asleep until the morning.

      When I woke up, Tanya was gone. She ran away, leaving me a short note:

      «Doremi! Thank you for taking care of'me!!!)))

      I'll call you when I arrive!

      I remember about the Aquarium…

      Kiss on the forehead! Me!»

      So typical for her. Although I was smiling when I read it.

      Aquarium… Exactly! Well, I told her about it upon my return from a business trip last year. I also took the word that she would definitely be there.

      Wow, she remembers! But that's not the point… I'll be damned!

      AQUARIUM.