AS YOU LIKE IT. Sidney Lee

not our time.

       TOUCHSTONE

       By my troth, yes; I count it but time lost to hear such a foolish song. God be with you; and God mend your voices! Come, Audrey.

       [Exeunt.]

      SCENE IV. Another part of the Forest

       [Enter DUKE Senior, AMIENS, JAQUES, ORLANDO, OLIVER, and CELIA.]

       DUKE SENIOR

       Dost thou believe, Orlando, that the boy

       Can do all this that he hath promised?

       ORLANDO

       I sometimes do believe and sometimes do not:

       As those that fear they hope, and know they fear.

       [Enter ROSALIND, SILVIUS, and PHEBE.]

       ROSALIND

       Patience once more, whiles our compact is urg’d:—

       [To the Duke.]

       You say, if I bring in your Rosalind,

       You will bestow her on Orlando here?

       DUKE SENIOR

       That would I, had I kingdoms to give with her.

       ROSALIND

       [To Orlando.] And you say you will have her when I bring her?

       ORLANDO

       That would I, were I of all kingdoms king.

       ROSALIND

       [To Phebe.] You say you’ll marry me, if I be willing?

       PHEBE

       That will I, should I die the hour after.

       ROSALIND

       But if you do refuse to marry me,

       You’ll give yourself to this most faithful shepherd?

       PHEBE

       So is the bargain.

       ROSALIND

       [To Silvius.] You say that you’ll have Phebe, if she will?

       SILVIUS

       Though to have her and death were both one thing.

       ROSALIND

       I have promis’d to make all this matter even.

       Keep you your word, O duke, to give your daughter;—

       You yours, Orlando, to receive his daughter;—

       Keep your word, Phebe, that you’ll marry me;

       Or else, refusing me, to wed this shepherd:—

       Keep your word, Silvius, that you’ll marry her

       If she refuse me:—and from hence I go,

       To make these doubts all even.

       [Exeunt ROSALIND and CELIA.]

       DUKE SENIOR

       I do remember in this shepherd-boy

       Some lively touches of my daughter’s favour.

       ORLANDO

       My lord, the first time that I ever saw him

       Methought he was a brother to your daughter:

       But, my good lord, this boy is forest-born,

       And hath been tutor’d in the rudiments

       Of many desperate studies by his uncle,

       Whom he reports to be a great magician,

       Obscurèd in the circle of this forest.

       JAQUES

       There is, sure, another flood toward, and these couples are coming to the ark. Here comes a pair of very strange beasts which in all tongues are called fools.

       [Enter TOUCHSTONE and AUDREY.]

       TOUCHSTONE

       Salutation and greeting to you all!

       JAQUES

       Good my lord, bid him welcome. This is the motley-minded gentleman that I have so often met in the forest: he hath been a courtier, he swears.

       TOUCHSTONE

       If any man doubt that, let him put me to my purgation. I have trod a measure; I have flattered a lady; I have been politic with my friend, smooth with mine enemy; I have undone three tailors; I have had four quarrels, and like to have fought one.

       JAQUES

       And how was that ta’en up?

       TOUCHSTONE

       Faith, we met, and found the quarrel was upon the seventh cause.

       JAQUES

       How seventh cause? Good my lord, like this fellow?

       DUKE SENIOR

       I like him very well.

       TOUCHSTONE

       God ‘ild you, sir; I desire you of the like. I press in here, sir, amongst the rest of the country copulatives, to swear and to forswear; according as marriage binds and blood breaks:—A poor virgin, sir, an ill-favoured thing, sir, but mine own; a poor humour of mine, sir, to take that that no man else will; rich honesty dwells like a miser, sir, in a poor-house; as your pearl in your foul oyster.

       DUKE SENIOR

       By my faith, he is very swift and sententious.

       TOUCHSTONE

       According to the fool’s bolt, sir, and such dulcet diseases.

       JAQUES

       But, for the seventh cause; how did you find the quarrel on the seventh cause?

       TOUCHSTONE

       Upon a lie seven times removed;—bear your body more seeming, Audrey:—as thus, sir, I did dislike the cut of a certain courtier’s beard; he sent me word, if I said his beard was not cut well, he was in the mind it was: this is called the Retort courteous. If I sent him word again it was not well cut, he would send me word he cut it to please himself: this is called the Quip modest. If again, it was not well cut, he disabled my judgment: this is called the Reply churlish. If again, it was not well cut, he would answer I spake not true: this is called the Reproof valiant. If again, it was not well cut, he would say I lie: this is called the Countercheck quarrelsome: and so, to the Lie circumstantial, and the Lie direct.

       JAQUES

       And how oft did you say his beard was not well cut?

       TOUCHSTONE

       I durst go no further than the Lie circumstantial, nor he durst not give me the Lie direct; and so we measured swords and parted.

       JAQUES

       Can you nominate in order now the degrees of the lie?

       TOUCHSTONE

       O, sir, we quarrel in print by the book, as you have books for good manners: I will name you the degrees. The first, the Retort courteous; the second, the Quip modest; the third, the Reply churlish; the fourth, the Reproof valiant; the fifth, the Countercheck quarrelsome; the sixth, the Lie with circumstance; the seventh, the Lie direct. All these you may avoid but the Lie Direct; and you may avoid that too with an “If”. I knew when seven justices could not take up a quarrel; but when the parties were met themselves, one of them thought but of an “If”, as: “If you said so, then I said so;” and they shook hands, and swore brothers. Your “If” is the only peacemaker;—much virtue in “If.”

       JAQUES

       Is not this a rare fellow, my lord? he’s as good at anything, and yet a fool.

       DUKE SENIOR

       He uses his folly like a stalking-horse, and under the presentation of that he shoots his wit.