Put What Where?: Over 2,000 Years of Bizarre Sex Advice. John Naish

      

      John Naish

      Put What Where?

      Over 2000 years of bizarre

      sex advice

DEDICATION

      Happiness is the true test. Never mind what books – including this one – say you should do. If you are happy, and your partner is too, leave well enough alone.

      Eustace Chesser, Love Without Fear (1940)

       CONTENTS

       Cover

       Title Page

Dedication

Preface

1 Introduction

2 Mankind’s First Manuals

3 Classical Gaffes

4 No Sex Please, We’re Medieval English

5 Bali High

6 Renaissance Renegades

7 Masturbation Mania

       8 Carlile, the Contraceptive Convict

       9 Drysdale’s Revolutionary Dream

       10 Manual Martyrs

       11 Kama Sutra Chameleon

       12 Mr Sex in Sandals

       13 American Duty

       14 Sexual Pioneers

       15 Edwardian Enjoyment

       16 The World’s Dullest Sex Book

       17 Ellis, the Impotent Icon

       18 Scouting for Boys: Uncut

       19 Trouble Down Under

       20 Cult of the Virgin Marie

       21 Van de Velde Record?

       22 Buy Me and Stop One

       23 Target for Tonight

       24 Frigid Fifties

       25 Saucy Sixties

       26 Comfort and Joy

       27 Sex as Lifestyle

       Select Bibliography

       Index

       Also by the Author

       Copyright

       About The Publisher

PREFACE

      This book is both a history of sex advice and a treasury of bizarre suggestions from throughout the ages. It is organized like a club sandwich. The historical chapters cover this strange world in chronological order, from 200 BC to the 1970s, and are interlayered with the cream of humankind’s oddest sex-advice quotes. These are grouped by topic and take you, stage-by-stage, through the whole gamut of love-making, from finding a partner through to sex, fetishes, afterplay and unfaithfulness. If you learn nothing else, please remember: never bite your partner’s eyeballs.

One

       INTRODUCTION

       Mating. Reproduction. The survival of the species. How much more crucial does it get?

      You’d think homo sapiens would have sorted out that one pretty sharpish. But no. Since the start of civilization, human sex has been absurdly complicated by a steady dripfeed of self-appointed experts: moralists, pundits, visionaries, ju-ju men, zealots and learned academics – all claiming to know the magical secrets of lovemaking. And they were all prepared to sell their wisdom to you at a very reasonable price. Just as every generation likes to think it invented sexual intercourse, we also like to think we invented sex advice, or at least built it on a very limited number of predecessors: the Kama Sutra, maybe Marie Stopes’ 1918 Married Love and the 1970s The Joy of Sex. But in fact today’s maelstrom of lovemaking manuals, videos and DVDs has a far richer and more twisted heritage than that. The genre is way older than the novel, and takes us right back to an ancient Chinese tomb-hoard of books first written in 300 BC.

      Every era has had its Dr Ruths dictating to us the correct way, the right place, the essential time, the appropriate shape, the perfect partner and, of course, the ultimate naughtiness. And what a proud parade: they feature, to mention but a few, Roman poets, medieval woman-haters, Victorian adventurers, astral travellers, gay sandal-makers, dope peddlers, racial-purity