Finding Christmas. Gail Martin Gaymer

at every little sound.”

      “I can’t help it. The phone rings. Someone knocks on the door. Anything that breaks the silence, I jump. It’s awful.”

      Her gaze shifted from his concerned look to the counter, then to the table. He’d already poured the coffee and wiped up the spill. “Thanks,” she said, joining him.

      He took her hand in his and eyed the burn. “Should you put something on that?”

      “It’s fine.” She withdrew her hand, then lifted the cup, surprised he’d remembered she liked milk in her coffee. “Cheers.”

      They clinked cups with a chuckle, then fell silent again. She and Greg had often sat at this table with Benjamin. He’d never married for some reason, and Joanne had often wanted to ask why but had decided it wasn’t her business. If he wanted to tell her, he would.

      “After I dealt with my grief, do you know what’s been the hardest for me?” She surprised herself with the question and immediately wished she could draw it back.

      “I could never guess. You’ve coped with too much.”

      She bit the edge of her lip. Knowing Benjamin’s spiritual strength, she knew she’d brought up a touchy subject. “My faith.”

      A scowl settled on his face.

      “For the first year, I was angry at God. I couldn’t understand how a loving God could be so cruel. I wanted Greg alive. I wanted Mandy alive. I wanted to see her play with her little friends. I want to know what she looks like now and hold her against me and smell the shampoo in her hair. I know I shouldn’t be angry with God, but it’s been difficult.”

      Tears pooled in her eyes. Benjamin reached over and used a finger to brush them away.

      “I won’t argue with you, Joanne. You’ve been through so much, but you can’t blame God for all the evil in the world. Sin causes evil, and makes us trip and fall.”

      “I know, and I feel ashamed that I’ve had to struggle to face that. Every time I think of my little girl’s body lost somewhere in Lake St. Clair, my heart aches. If only they could have—” She stopped and shook her head.

      “Don’t chastise yourself. Remember that God doesn’t promise us a life without sorrow or pain. He does promise He’ll be with us always. We have to have faith.”

      “Faith. We’ve gone full circle and we’re back to that. I’m hanging on, dear friend, but sometimes my grip weakens. I do a lot of praying.”

      “You can’t go wrong with prayer,” he said, digging into his memory for a Scripture that had risen to the fringes of his mind. “I’m thinking of a verse in Isaiah. ‘Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and He will say: Here am I.’ That’s what prayer is, Joanne. It’s your cry for help, and God hears it. He’s with you.”

      She closed her eyes for a moment. “Thanks for reminding me,” she whispered. She raised her coffee cup and took a slow drink, then lowered it. Her expression appeared faraway and thoughtful. “It’s lonely going to church without Greg and Mandy. I still haven’t gotten used to that. If you ever want to join me, let me know.”

      “How about this Sunday?”

      Her look of gratitude rolled over him and roused his emotions. He’d tried to prepare himself for seeing Joanne again, but he hadn’t succeeded. The feelings he’d bound so tightly had loosened their bonds.

      He needed to guard his heart and his good sense. She’d always been Greg’s wife, and she still was. He’d cared so deeply for her and Mandy, just as he’d loved his friend, Greg, but Joanne had always held a special place. Tonight his feelings were growing like vines of morning glories entwining through the secret places in his heart.

      “I’d better go,” he said, pushing his chair back with such speed that he surprised himself.

      “Did I say something?” Joanne looked startled by his abruptness.

      “No. I have a busy day tomorrow and it’s getting late.”

      He rose, and she stood, too, gathering their cups and placing them in the sink.

      Joanne came around to his side of the table and touched his arm. “Thanks for being a good friend, Benjamin. I’m so happy you’re home.”

      “Me, too,” he said, giving her a quick embrace. “Now, don’t worry about the dreams.”

      “It’s not just dreams. I hear it when I’m awake.”

      He forced himself to let her go. “After tomorrow, it’ll pass. The anniversary will be over, and then you’ll move ahead again.”

      “I hope so,” she said, but a look on her face said she didn’t believe it.

      As he stepped outside, her voice followed him through the doorway.

      “It means something, Benjamin. I feel it in my heart.”

      An uneasy sensation crept over him as he descended the porch steps, but he covered his concern and waved.

      Joanne waved back and then closed the door.

      Before Benjamin slipped into his car, the wind caught his jacket, and a chill gripped him—the wind, or was it apprehension?

      It means something. The words echoed in his mind.

      Chapter Two

      Headlights glinted off the snow, and Benjamin squinted to shield his eyes from the glare. He had a headache. His feelings had knotted throughout the evening like a noose. Joanne seemed troubled. He recalled she’d seen a therapist after the accident, and maybe it was time for her to have a therapy booster shot.

      Yet that wasn’t all that concerned him. Joanne had grown even more beautiful since he’d seen her at the funeral. Maturity and grief had added lines to her face, making her more real, more vulnerable, and the look touched him deeply.

      As they’d talked this evening, his mind had journeyed back to that horrible night when Joanne called him. He had barely grasped what she’d told him through her sobs. Greg and Mandy drowned. No, he’d thought. The police have to be wrong. They made a mistake, he’d told himself over and over as he raced to her house through snowfall so similar to tonight’s.

      But they hadn’t been wrong. The next morning Greg’s body had been found in icy Lake St. Clair, his still belted into his car. And Mandy…the divers never found her.

      Pain knifed Benjamin’s heart at the thought. The beautiful child gone, her car seat still attached to the back seat, the belt unbuckled…The police said she must have disappeared through a partially opened window. The horror of it washed over him now, as icy as Lake St. Clair must have been. If he still felt the powerful emotion of Mandy’s death, he couldn’t imagine what Joanne must feel.

      He drew in a ragged breath and tried to push the vision of that night from his mind. His headache thumped in his temples, and he pushed his fingers against one side to ease the ache.

      Everything had seemed confused tonight. For years, he’d had strong feelings for Joanne, but he’d controlled them. She was his good friend’s wife—charming, amiable and lovely. Her mothering skills had amazed him. When Mandy was born, it seemed as though God had created Joanne for motherhood.

      Though Greg had worked long hours, Joanne had never complained. She had done all she could to support his career and still have interests of her own. She’d been active at church and had participated in community drives and so many activities, Benjamin was amazed. He had always admired her, but then one day, he realized that Joanne also had begun to fill his dreams.

      He felt ashamed when he finally admitted to himself that he was attracted to his best friend’s wife. The emotions had sneaked up on him. He’d thought his admiration was friendship, but it had become far more than that. He’d prayed,