Ring Road: There’s no place like home. Ian Sansom

seems to have slipped and fallen, that Martin no longer even bothers to mention it, even when abroad.

* It exists still only in typescript, the book. The only two poems of Billy’s ever to have seen the light of day were published in the first edition of the magazine The Enthusiast (PO Box 239, Bangor, BT20 5YB, www.theenthusiast.co.uk). The first of these poems, ‘To the Reader’, seems to be some kind of uncompromising envoi:

      Listen: you don’t like it, then leave.

       My aim has only ever been to be popular with the less sophisticated type of audience, especially in the suburbs and provinces.

      The second poem, ‘I’m Nobody, Who Are You?’, runs to over a hundred lines and considerations of space obviously preclude us from reprinting it here, but readers who have attended Robert McCrudden’s popular Creative Writing class (Poetry) I or II at the Institute, or similar, might be able to detect throughout this longer work the influences of Arthur Rimbaud, George Herbert, C. P. Cavafy, Geoffrey Chaucer, Hart Crane, Bertolt Brecht, John Berryman, Emily Dickinson, the Gawain Poet, William Blake, A. E. Housman, Francis Ponge, Marianne Moore, Thomas Hardy, Robert Frost, or Pam Ayres.

       5 Fellowship

       A Good Friday Carvery and Gospel Night (Featuring the Preaching of the Word by Francie McGinn, Country Gospel Music by Bobbie Dylan and All-You-Can-Eat Barbecued Meats)

      The sun finally came out on Friday, breaking through after what seemed like months of gloom, what seemed like years of low grey cloud and drizzle, what seemed, in fact, to some of us here like the new Dark Ages, the return of the famous ‘black springs’ of the 1950s when there wasn’t a green vegetable till August and the only thing you could buy in the market throughout the summer was potatoes. When the cloud lifted, Francie McGinn turned his face to the big blurred halo in the sky and thanked the Lord.

      ‘Altostratus,’ he said.

      Francie has always been interested in the weather and he had gone into the ministry, the two things being somehow connected in his mind, something to do with storms and rainbows and the supernumerary. Francie would not have been your obvious choice as a minister, what with his lack of any obvious social skills, his terror of public speaking and his terrible psoriasis, which always tended to flare up when Francie had to address a congregation, but God does seem to have a sense of humour and so, when He called Francie, in His infinite wisdom He did not call him to a nice quiet life working in an office, as a filing clerk perhaps, or an assistant administrative officer in the local council – recently relocated, of course, from its fine old five-storey stucco building overlooking the People’s Park, with a girdled and globe-breasted Queen Victoria standing guard outside on a plinth, to a new purpose-built place on the ring road. No, God works in mysterious ways and He seems curiously uninterested in the workings and decisions of local councils, so when He called Francie – a sweet, shy, nervous man – He called him not to a life of pleasant quietness but to a life which involved a lot of standing up in front of large and not always sympathetic crowds speaking to them enthusiastically about Jesus. It was a calling which required certain skills of exposition and expostulation, and a certain amount of necessary hand-waving, which Francie, who had always been a little stiff in his manner, had never quite mastered. His sermons were examples of free association, in which he grappled with, and was often floored by, complex passages of Scripture and the use of the microphone. Just watching him up there at the front of his congregation was enough to break your heart. It was enough to bring you to tears, or to your knees.

      As if both to identify and to defy his own native lack of ability, Francie had had an alphabet painted around what in other churches would have been called a nave, but which in Francie’s church, the People’s Fellowship – a place on South Street, which used to be the old Johnson Hosiery Factory, round the back of the Quality Hotel – was just a blank back wall lit by halogen spots and uplighters. The alphabet read, in thick black letters three and four feet tall:

      ALL unsaved people are sinners. You must BELIEVE and CONFESS your sins to God. Christ DIED to save sinners. The Lord knows EVERY secret thing. We are saved through FAITH in Christ. GOOD Works alone will not save. Punishment and HELL await sinners. IMAGINE the darkness that will fall from on high when all men will be JUDGED by the Lord. You shall KNOW and LOVE the Lord, who in His MERCY is willing to save sinners. NOTHING can separate us from the love of God, and the Lord Jesus Christ is the ONLY way of salvation. The Lord will PARDON backsliders, but you must REPENT of your wrongdoing in order to be SAVED. There is joy in TESTIFYING to the Lord. WHOSOEVER WILL may be saved.

The sign painter, Colin Crawford, who was a friend of a friend of a member of the congregation, and who had learnt his trade years ago in the Tech’s once renowned sign-writing classes, seems to have run into problems with some of the more difficult consonants – what good things does God do that begin with the letters Q and Z? – but the effect was impressive nonetheless.* When Francie stood up to preach, sweating into the microphone, at the front of that hall, you had the impression of a performing flea caught up in the pages of a vast Bible.

From an early age, certainly from when I first knew him, Francie had described himself as a Bible-believing Christian. The Bible, to Francie, was a bit like God is to most other Christians: something to be relied upon and worshipped, but which nonetheless remains utterly inscrutable and not necessarily something you’d ever be able to understand.*

      Francie was naturally a quiet and modest man, but he was ambitious for Jesus, and was always coming up with exciting new schemes for promoting God’s Word in and around town. He would sometimes take a full-page advertisement in the local paper announcing forthcoming events and in the summer he held evening meetings in the car park in the centre of town, out in front of the Quality Hotel, near the new faux bandstand, with its brick podium and tarpaulin-effect sheet-steel covering, where every night he erected a large sign announcing an ‘Open Air Gospel Meeting’, just in case anyone was in doubt as to exactly what a group of twenty or thirty adults wearing Bermuda shorts and big grins and sunhats were doing, shaking their tambourines and playing guitars and handing out tracts to amused skateboarders and passers-by. Everyone knew it had to be something to do with Jesus – where we live, there’s no other excuse or explanation for such behaviour. This is not Miami Beach, or Brighton. In the winter Francie tried Fish-and-Chip Biblical Quiz Nights and Line Dancing, Ladies’ Pool Nights and Indoor Carpet Bowls for the over-sixties, and there were, of course, all the usual weekly Parenting Classes and Toddlers’ Groups and Bible Studies, but the highlight of every year was undoubtedly his Good Friday Carvery and Gospel Night, an evening which included the Preaching of the Word, Country Gospel Music by Bobbie Dylan and all-you-could-eat barbecued meats, provided by Tom Hines, who is a brother of a member of the congregation, all for a very reasonable £5 per head.

      A couple of years back Francie’s wife, Cherith, was on a detox diet, which meant she couldn’t eat dairy products, bread, pasta, oranges and half a dozen other foodstuffs, including red meat, and in order to display solidarity with his wife Francie was doing the diet too, so they were both going to have to miss out on the Good Friday Carvery, something they usually looked forward to: the closest they usually got to meat was supermarket mince, which is at best an approximation. It was for her liver, Cherith said, the detox diet, but to be honest she could probably have done to lose some weight, as could their teenage daughter, Bethany, who had not been tempted by the diet, and who had also secretly started smoking cigarettes and going out with boys who were non-Christians, and who wore black eyeliner to church, and who, during her father’s sermons, sometimes sat sending text messages of a sexual nature to her friends.

      That Easter, the year of the diet, Francie and Cherith were also having a new kitchen put into their house on the estate – nothing too expensive, nothing too flash, but, as all the elders of the church agreed, it did need updating – and whether it was the stress of the kitchen,