The Last Year Of Being Married. Sarah Tucker

tears away, Mummy. Brush those tears away.’

      And I do. And I tell him I love him. And that Daddy loves him and that Mummy and Daddy love each other. And that calms him and me both.

      Babysitter Tina also knows about the situation at home. She’s been looking after Ben since he was a baby. She’s extremely sensible and efficient, and Ben loves her and is terrified of her. Paul is terrified of her, too, which is good. Her advice is a little drastic. She tells me I should kill Paul in his sleep. I tell her this would ruin my social life and that I look lousy in stripes.

      Doorbell rings. Too early. Can’t be Pierce.

      It is.

      Sarah—‘Hi, Pierce. Didn’t expect you this early.’

      Pierce—‘Hi, just came from the gym. The showers weren’t working properly there. Can I use your shower?’

      Sarah—‘Er, yes, of course.’

      Bit confused. Not the usual way to start an evening. I’ve never had someone come to take me out to dinner and ask to shower at the house. And he goes to the same gym as me. The showers were working perfectly all right when I went there yesterday. Perhaps he’s had sex at the gym or at lunch or something. And wants to get the smell of the other woman off his body. Whatever, it’s a bit weird.

      I’ve got to shower, too, so I take a shower in the en suite bathroom off the main bedroom. He takes a shower in the main bathroom. So I suppose we’re sort of taking a shower together.

      Half an hour later, both finished. He’s wearing something Armani and black and looks—well, gorgeous. I’m wearing something feminine and tight, but not short. Having lost so much weight, I now want to wear things that add weight rather than take it off. This outfit does.

      Pierce—‘You look lovely. Paul is silly. You’re a babe, Sarah.’

      Sarah—‘Thank you, Pierce. Nice to feel I’m a woman again.’

      Pierce drives a BMW 5 series convertible. Dark blue. Black and tan leather interior. He mixes his own CDs. While we drive to the restaurant we listen to Norah Jones, Prodigy and Vaughan Williams. Pierce has eclectic tastes.

      Sarah—‘Do you see much of Jane these days?’

      Pierce—‘We talk on the phone. She’s met someone. I haven’t. But I’m happy for her. I still love her, but couldn’t live with her. Nor her me. I know our divorce was for the best, and I’m sure you will feel the same about Paul.’

      Sarah—‘At the moment I don’t. I’ve known Paul for twelve years. I’ve been through a lot with him and I still believe I love him and want to try to make it work. I think he’s tried to make the relationship work in the past, mainly through trying to change me rather than himself. But we’ve both avoided the issues in our own way. Now we’ve got to confront them. For Ben’s sake if not our own.’

      We turn into the restaurant car park. The car purrs to a halt.

      Pierce—‘You are a very beautiful woman, Sarah—(holding my hand)—very beautiful. And you deserve a lot. And Paul wasn’t able to give it to you. I know you’re feeling vulnerable at the moment, and you’ve got to be careful at this time. You’re feeling vulnerable, and you may just hook up with any man to get rid of those pent-up sexual frustrations that have been building up inside you over the years. The longing you must feel… It must be terrible. Just make sure you only confide in those you trust. Someone you trust and respect and who is here for you.’

      I look at Pierce. And think, Yes, I am distraught and vulnerable. And haven’t been made love to for ages. And I do feel unloved and unwanted and unconfident and bruised. But I’m not stupid. And I’m not desperate. And I think that was a chat-up line.

      ‘I can get rid of those sexual frustrations the same way I’ve always got rid of them. I work out. A lot.’

      Pierce—‘Yes, you’re in good shape. I can see you’re very toned. You know I’ve always found you attractive.’

      Sarah—‘You find a lot of women attractive, Pierce.’

      I think, Is this a good idea? Dinner with Pierce? It’s just dinner, after all. Nothing wrong with that. I need a friend now, not a lover. Not just yet anyway and not him. Too close. He works with Paul and I know Jane. Too soon. Still want to try and make it work with Paul. And he’s possibly kinky. Kinky not good for me at the moment.

      The Waterhole is full of the upper crust of Chelmsford society—the senior back office boys. The settlement clerks of the City. The wannabes of the Square Mile. Then there are the made-good second-hand car dealers, jewellery dealers, drug dealers. Loud watch hanging from one wrist. Louder wife hanging from the other.

      Pierce ignores the flirtatious glances of these women as we walk to the table. He turns more heads than I do—which I expect. We order. He looks good.

      We order something with salad to start. Then fish. Tuna, grilled, with soy-something. I’m not hungry, but I think I can eat tuna. Nothing tastes of anything these days. It’s just good to be out of the house.

      Pierce—‘You realise you’ll be perceived as a predator now? You won’t hear from many of your so-called friends because they’ll suspect you will pinch their husbands.’

      Sarah—‘You think so?’

      Pierce—‘Yes. I know so. I know some of the brokers Paul works with have the hots for you. They’ve told me as much.’

      Sarah—‘Er, right. Don’t like any of them. Quite liked Wills, but Paul doesn’t work with him anymore. I wouldn’t go for any of them, even if they made a pass at me.’

      Pierce—‘I think you’re just stressed. You need to relax. I remember when I was going through the divorce with Jane I was very stressed, and just needed to chill and relax. You need a good, long, slow, sensual massage.’

      Sarah—‘I probably do. And I’ll have to book one sometime. When I have time. My main concern is Ben and that he is okay and that he still knows his daddy loves him—despite the fact his daddy reeks of beer and stale aftershave these days.’

      Pierce—‘Others in the office have noticed Paul’s started to take longer lunches and not come back, and he looks—well, like shit in the mornings.’

      Sarah—‘Nothing to do with me. Wish it were, but it’s not.’

      Pierce—‘You can’t change his mind. I’ve had a word, Sarah, and he just says that you had affairs and he can’t deal with it, and it’s sad but it’s over. One thing my relationship with Jane taught me is that you can’t change the way people feel.’

      Sarah—‘I know. You said before.’

      Pierce—‘Do you know how I feel about you?’

      Sarah—‘Am I going to find out?’

      Pierce—‘I like you Sarah. You’re a very sexy woman.’

      Sarah—‘I don’t feel particularly sexy or sexual at the moment, but thank you, Pierce. But I think you and I have enough on our plates at the moment without making life even more complicated. For a start, you work with Paul. Despite the fact he’s bonking another woman, he won’t like it that someone in his office is bonking his wife. Even if she may be his soon-to-be-ex wife.

      ‘And then there’s Jane. Although she’s now your ex-wife, it would also complicate matters.

      ‘Then there’s Ben. He is my priority, and I don’t have time for a relationship—sexual or otherwise. I need friends now. Level-headed, genuine friends. And simplicity in my life. And, lastly, I think you have enough sex kittens. I get some of your text messages occasionally, meant for other women, and think you have your hands full already.’

      Pierce smiles.

      Pierce—‘Nice brush-off. Eloquently done. Okay. But you are a babe and don’t