What Will He Do with It? — Complete. Эдвард Бульвер-Литтон

omnibus drivers, cads, and porters marked him for their own. “Gatesboro’ Arms,” “Spread Eagle,” “Royal Hotel,” “Saracen’s Head; very comfortable, centre of High Street, opposite the Town Hall,”—were shouted, bawled, whispered, or whined into his ear.

      “Is there an honest porter?” asked the Comedian, piteously. An Irishman presented himself. “And is it meself can serve your honour?”—“Take this bundle, and walk on before me to the High Street.”—“Could not I take the bundle, Grandfather? The man will charge so much,” said the prudent Sophy. “Hush! you indeed!” said the Pere Noble, as if addressing an exiled Altesse royale,—“you take a bundle—Miss—Chapman!”

      They soon gained the High Street. Waife examined the fronts of the various inns which they passed by with an eye accustomed to decipher the physiognomy of hostelries. The Saracen’s Head pleased him, though its imposing size daunted Sophy. He arrested the steps of the porter, “Follow me close,” and stepped across the open threshold into the bar. The landlady herself was there, portly and imposing, with an auburn toupet, a silk gown, a cameo brooch, and an ample bosom.

      “You have a private sitting-room, ma’am?” said the Comedian, lifting his hat. There are so many ways of lifting a hat,-for instance, the way for which Louis XIV. was so renowned. But the Comedian’s way on the present occasion rather resembled that of the late Duke of B————, not quite royal, but as near to royalty as becomes a subject. He added, recovering his head,—“And on the first floor?” The landlady did not courtesy, but she bowed, emerged from the bar, and set foot on the broad stairs; then, looking back graciously, her eyes rested on Sir Isaac, who had stalked forth in advance and with expansive nostrils sniffed. She hesitated. “Your dog, sir! shall Boots take it round to the stables?”

      “The stables, ma’am—the stables, my dear,” turning to Sophy, with a smile more ducal than the previous bow; “what would they say at home if they heard that noble animal was consigned to-stables? Ma’am, my dog is my companion, and as much accustomed to drawing-rooms as I am myself.” Still the landlady paused. The dog might be accustomed to drawing-rooms, but her drawing-room was not accustomed to dogs. She had just laid down a new carpet. And such are the strange and erratic affinities in nature, such are the incongruous concatenations in the cross-stitch of ideas, that there are associations between dogs and carpets, which, if wrongful to the owners of dogs, beget no unreasonable apprehensions in the proprietors of carpets. So there stood the landlady, and there stood the dog! and there they might be standing to this day had not the Comedian dissolved the spell. “Take up my effects again,” said he, turning to the porter; “doubtless they are more habituated to distinguish between dog and dog at the Royal Hotel.”

      The landlady was mollified in a moment. Nor was it only the rivalries that necessarily existed between the Saracen’s Head and the Royal Hotel that had due weight with her. A gentleman who could not himself deign to carry even that small bundle must be indeed a gentleman! Had he come with a portmanteau—even with a carpet-bag—the porter’s service would have been no evidence of rank; but accustomed as she was chiefly to gentlemen engaged in commercial pursuits, it was new to her experience,—a gentleman with effects so light, and hands so aristocratically helpless. Herein were equally betokened the two attributes of birth and wealth; namely, the habit of command and the disdain of shillings. A vague remembrance of the well-known story how a man and his dog had arrived at the Granby Hotel, at Harrowgate, and been sent away roomless to the other and less patrician establishment, because, while he had a dog, he had not a servant; when, five minutes after such dismissal, came carriages and lackeys and an imperious valet, asking for his grace the Duke of A————, who had walked on before with his dog, and who, oh, everlasting thought of remorse! had been sent away to bring the other establishment into fashion,—a vague reminiscence of that story, I say, flashed upon the landlady’s mind, and she exclaimed, “I only thought, sir, you might prefer the stables; of course, it is as you please. This way, sir. He is a fine animal, indeed, and seems mild.”

      “You may bring up the bundle, porter,” quoth the Pere Noble. “Take my arm, my dear; these steps are very steep.”

      The landlady threw open the door of a handsome sitting-room,—her best: she pulled down the blinds to shut out the glare of the sun; then retreating to the threshold awaited further orders.

      “Rest yourself, my dear,” said the Actor, placing Sophy on a couch with that tender respect for sex and childhood which so specially belongs to the high-bred. “The room will do, ma’am. I will let you know later whether we shall require beds. As to dinner, I am not particular,—a cutlet, a chicken, what you please, at seven o’clock. Stay, I beg your pardon for detaining you, but where does the Mayor live?”

      “His private residence is a mile out of the town, but his counting-house is just above the Town Hall,—to the right, sir.”

      “Name?”

      “Mr. Hartopp!”

      “Hartopp! Ah! to be sure! Hartopp. His political opinions, I think, are” (ventures at a guess) “enlightened?”

      LANDLADY.—“Very much so, sir. Mr. Hartopp is highly respected.”

      WAIFE.—“The chief municipal officer of a town so thriving—fine shops and much plate glass—must march with the times. I think I have heard that Mr. Hartopp promotes the spread of intelligence and the propagation of knowledge.”

      LANDLADY (rather puzzled).—“I dare say, sir. The Mayor takes great interest in the Gatesboro’ Athemeum and Literary Institute.”

      WAIFE.—“Exactly what I should have presumed from his character and station. I will detain you no longer, ma’am” (ducal bow). The landlady descended the stairs. Was her guest a candidate for the representation of the town at the next election? March with the times!—spread of intelligence! All candidates she ever knew had that way of expressing themselves,—“March” and “Spread.” Not an address had parliamentary aspirant put forth to the freemen and electors of Gatesboro’ but what “March” had been introduced by the candidate, and “Spread” been suggested by the committee. Still she thought that her guest, upon the whole, looked and bowed more like a member of the Upper House,—perhaps one of the amiable though occasionally prosy peers who devote the teeth of wisdom to the cracking of those very hard nuts, “How to educate the masses,” “What to do with our criminals,” and such like problems, upon which already have been broken so many jawbones tough as that with which Samson slew the Philistines.

      “Oh, Grandfather!” sighed Sophy, “what are you about? We shall be ruined, you, too, who are so careful not to get into debt. And what have we left to pay the people here?”

      “Sir Isaac! and THIS!” returned the Comedian, touching his forehead. “Do not alarm yourself: stay here and repose; and don’t let Sir Isaac out of the room on any account!”

      He took off his hat, brushed the nap carefully with his sleeve, replaced it on his head,—not jauntily aside, not like a jeune premier, but with equilateral brims, and in composed fashion, like a pere noble; then, making a sign to Sir Isaac to rest quiet, he passed to the door; there he halted, and turning towards Sophy, and, meeting her wistful eyes, his own eye moistened. “Ah!” he murmured, “Heaven grant I may succeed now, for if I do, then you shall indeed be a little lady!”

      He was gone.

      CHAPTER X

      Showing with what success Gentleman Waife assumes the pleasing part of friend to the enlightenment of the age and the progress of the people.

      On the landing-place, Waife encountered the Irish porter, who, having left the bundle in the drawing-room, was waiting patiently to be paid for his trouble.

      The Comedian surveyed the good-humoured shrewd face, on every line of which was writ the golden maxim, “Take things asy.” “I beg your pardon, my friend; I had almost forgotten you. Have you been long in this town?”

      “Four