Tommy and Co.. Jerome Klapka Jerome

alone, paced to and fro the room, his hands behind his back, his ear on the alert to catch the slightest sound from above.

      “I do hope it is a boy,” said Peter, glancing up.

      Peter’s eyes rested on the photo of the fragile little woman gazing down at him from its stiff frame upon the chimney-piece. Thirty years ago, in this same room, Peter had paced to and fro, his hands behind his back, his ear alert to catch the slightest sound from above, had said to himself the same words.

      “It’s odd,” mused Peter – “very odd indeed.”

      The door opened. The stout doctor, preceded at a little distance by his watch-chain, entered and closed the door behind him.

      “A very healthy child,” said the doctor, “as fine a child as any one could wish to see. A girl.”

      The two old gentlemen looked at one another. Elizabeth, possibly relieved in her mind, began to purr.

      “What am I to do with it?” demanded Peter.

      “A very awkward bosition for you,” agreed the sympathetic doctor.

      “I was a fool!” declared Peter.

      “You haf no one here to look after de leedle wench when you are away,” pointed out the thoughtful doctor.

      “And from what I’ve seen of the imp,” added Peter, “it will want some looking after.”

      “I tink – I tink,” said the helpful doctor, “I see a way out!”

      “What?”

      The doctor thrust his fierce face forward and tapped knowingly with his right forefinger the right side of his round nose. “I will take charge of de leedle wench.”

      “You?”

      “To me de case will not present de same difficulties. I haf a housekeeper.”

      “Oh, yes, Mrs. Whateley.”

      “She is a goot woman when you know her,” explained the doctor. “She only wants managing.”

      “Pooh!” ejaculated Peter.

      “Why do you say dat?” inquired the doctor.

      “You! bringing up a headstrong girl. The idea!”

      “I should be kind, but firm.”

      “You don’t know her.”

      “How long haf you known her?”

      “Anyhow, I’m not a soft-hearted sentimentalist that would just ruin the child.”

      “Girls are not boys,” persisted the doctor; “dey want different treatment.”

      “Well, I’m not a brute!” snarled Peter. “Besides, suppose she turns out rubbish! What do you know about her?”

      “I take my chance,” agreed the generous doctor.

      “It wouldn’t be fair,” retorted honest Peter.

      “Tink it over,” said the doctor. “A place is never home widout de leedle feet. We Englishmen love de home. You are different. You haf no sentiment.”

      “I cannot help feeling,” explained Peter, “a sense of duty in this matter. The child came to me. It is as if this thing had been laid upon me.”

      “If you look upon id dat way, Peter,” sighed the doctor.

      “With sentiment,” went on Peter, “I have nothing to do; but duty – duty is quite another thing.” Peter, feeling himself an ancient Roman, thanked the doctor and shook hands with him.

      Tommy, summoned, appeared.

      “The doctor, Tommy,” said Peter, without looking up from his writing, “gives a very satisfactory account of you. So you can stop.”

      “Told you so,” returned Tommy. “Might have saved your money.”

      “But we shall have to find you another name.”

      “What for?”

      “If you are to be a housekeeper, you must be a girl.”

      “Don’t like girls.”

      “Can’t say I think much of them myself, Tommy. We must make the best of it. To begin with, we must get you proper clothes.”

      “Hate skirts. They hamper you.”

      “Tommy,” said Peter severely, “don’t argue.”

      “Pointing out facts ain’t arguing,” argued Tommy. “They do hamper you. You try ’em.”

      The clothes were quickly made, and after a while they came to fit; but the name proved more difficult of adjustment. A sweet-faced, laughing lady, known to fame by a title respectable and orthodox, appears an honoured guest to-day at many a literary gathering. But the old fellows, pressing round, still call her “Tommy.”

      The week’s trial came to an end. Peter, whose digestion was delicate, had had a happy thought.

      “What I propose, Tommy – I mean Jane,” said Peter, “is that we should get in a woman to do just the mere cooking. That will give you more time to – to attend to other things, Tommy – Jane, I mean.”

      “What other things?” chin in the air.

      “The – the keeping of the rooms in order, Tommy. The – the dusting.”

      “Don’t want twenty-four hours a day to dust four rooms.”

      “Then there are messages, Tommy. It would be a great advantage to me to have someone I could send on a message without feeling I was interfering with the housework.”

      “What are you driving at?” demanded Tommy. “Why, I don’t have half enough to do as it is. I can do all – ”

      Peter put his foot down. “When I say a thing, I mean a thing. The sooner you understand that, the better. How dare you argue with me! Fiddle-de-dee!” For two pins Peter would have employed an expletive even stronger, so determined was he feeling.

      Tommy without another word left the room. Peter looked at Elizabeth and winked.

      Poor Peter! His triumph was short-lived. Five minutes later, Tommy returned, clad in the long, black skirt, supported by the cricket belt, the blue garibaldi cut décolleté, the pepper-and-salt jacket, the worsted comforter, the red lips very tightly pressed, the long lashes over the black eyes moving very rapidly.

      “Tommy” (severely), “what is this tomfoolery?”

      “I understand. I ain’t no good to you. Thanks for giving me a trial. My fault.”

      “Tommy” (less severely), “don’t be an idiot.”

      “Ain’t an idiot. ’Twas Emma. Told me I was good at cooking. Said I’d got an aptitude for it. She meant well.”

      “Tommy” (no trace of severity), “sit down. Emma was quite right. Your cooking is – is promising. As Emma puts it, you have aptitude. Your – perseverance, your hopefulness proves it.”

      “Then why d’ye want to get someone else in to do it?”

      If Peter could have answered truthfully! If Peter could have replied:

      “My dear, I am a lonely old gentleman. I did not know it until – until the other day. Now I cannot forget it again. Wife and child died many years ago. I was poor, or I might have saved them. That made me hard. The clock of my life stood still. I hid away the key. I did not want to think. You crept to me out of the cruel fog, awakened old dreams. Do not go away any more” – perhaps Tommy, in spite of her fierce independence, would have consented to be useful; and thus Peter might have gained his end at less cost of indigestion. But the penalty for being an anti-sentimentalist is that you must not talk like this even to yourself. So Peter had to cast about for other methods.

      “Why shouldn’t I keep two servants if I like?” It did seem hard on the old gentleman.

      “What’s