Adventures of Bindle. Jenkins Herbert George

'Earty! Put me down for a cokernut an' an onion."

      Bindle, who had entered at that moment, dug the stranger in the ribs from behind. He turned round upon his assailant, then Bindle saw Mr. Hearty standing in the shadow. He looked from him to the stranger and back again with grave intentness. Both men regarded Bindle.

      "Good afternoon, Joseph," said Mr. Hearty at length in his toneless voice, that always seemed to come from somewhere in the woolly distance.

      "Good afternoon, Joseph," said the stranger in a voice that was a very clever imitation of that of Mr. Hearty.

      Bindle fumbled in the breast-pocket of his tunic and produced a box of matches. Going up to Mr. Hearty he struck a match. Mr. Hearty started back as if doubtful of his intentions. Bindle proceeded to examine Mr. Hearty's features by the flickering light of the match, then turning to the stranger, he went through the same performance with him. Finally pushing his cap back he scratched his head in perplexity.

      "Well, I'm damned!" he ejaculated. "Two 'Earty's."

      "I want a cauliflower, please." It was the stranger who spoke.

      Bindle once more proceeded to regard the stranger critically.

      "I s'pose you're what they call an alibi," he remarked.

      The stranger had no time to reply, as at that moment another man entered. In garb and appearance he was a replica of the first. Mr. Hearty looked as a man might who, without previous experience of alcohol, has just drunk a whole bottle of whisky.

      Bindle whistled, grinned, then he smacked his leg vigorously.

      "My cauliflower, please," said the first man.

      "Good afternoon, Joseph," said the new arrival. The voice was not so good an imitation.

      At that moment Smith, Mr. Hearty's right-hand man, thrust his head through the flap in the floor of the shop that gave access to the potato-cellar. He caught sight of the trinity of masters. He gave one frightened glance, ducked his head, and let the flap down with a bang just as a third "Mr. Hearty" entered. He was followed almost immediately by a fourth and fifth. Each greeted Bindle with a "Good-afternoon, Joseph."

      Just as the sixth Mr. Hearty entered, Smith pushed up the flap again, this time a few inches only, and with dilated eyes looked out. The sight of seven "masters," as he afterwards confessed to Billy Nips, the errand boy, "shook 'im up crool." Keeping his eyes fixed warily upon the group of men, each demanding a cauliflower, Smith slowly drew himself up and out, letting the cellar-flap down with a bang as he slipped to the back of the shop away from the group. Was he drunk, or only dreaming?

      "I woke up with one brother-in-law, an' now I got seven," cried Bindle as he walked over and opened the glass-door, with white lace curtains tied back with blue ribbon, at the back of the shop.

      "Martha," he shouted, "Martha, you're wanted!"

      An indistinct sound was heard and a minute later Mrs. Hearty appeared, enormously fat and wheezing painfully.

      "That you, Joe?" she panted as she struck her ample bosom with clenched hand. "My breath! it's that bad to-day." For a moment she stood blinking in the sunlight.

      "See 'em, Martha?" ejaculated Bindle, pointing to Mr. Hearty and the "alibis." "Seven of 'em. You're a bigamist, sure as eggs, Martha, an' Millie ain't never goin' to be an orphan."

      As she became accustomed to the glare of the sunlight, Mrs. Hearty looked in a dazed way at the group of "husbands," all gazing in her direction. Then she suddenly began to shake and wheeze. It took very little to make Mrs. Hearty laugh, sometimes nothing at all. Now she sat down suddenly on a sack of potatoes and heaved and shook with silent laughter.

      Suddenly Mr. Hearty became galvanised into action.

      "How – how dare you!" he fumed. "Get out of my shop, confound you!"

      "'Earty, 'Earty!" protested Bindle, "fancy you a-usin' language like that. I'm surprised at you."

      Mr. Hearty looked about him like a caged animal, then suddenly he turned to Bindle.

      "Joseph," he cried, "I give these men in charge."

      The men regarded Mr. Hearty with melancholy unconcern.

      1

      Conscientious objectors to military service.