Mr Punch's Model Music Hall Songs and Dramas. Anstey F.

to the taste and fancy ofthe fair artiste: – "Yes, we did 'ave a time, I can assure yer." The party: "Me and Jimmy 'Opkins;" old "Pa Plapper." Asked because he lent the van. The meanness of his subsequent conduct. "Aunt Snapper;" her imposing appearance in her "cawfy-coloured front." Bill Blazer; his "girl," and his accordion. Mrs. Addick (of the fried-fish emporium round the corner); her gentility – "Never seen out of her mittens, and always the lady, no matter how much she may have taken." From this work round by an easy transition to —

      The Chorus– For we 'ad to stop o' course,

      Jest to bait the bloomin' 'orse,

      So we'd pots of ale and porter

      (Or a drop o' something shorter),

      While he drunk his pail o' water,

      He was sech a whale on water!

      That more water than he oughter,

      More water than he oughter,

      'Ad the poor old 'orse!

Second Stanza

      That 'orse he was a rum 'un – a queer old quadru-pèd,

      At every public-'ouse he passed he'd cock his artful 'ed!

      Sez I: "If he goes on like this, we shan't see Kew to-night!"

      Jim 'Opkins winks his eye, and sez – "We'll git along all right!"

Chorus– Though we 'ave to stop of course, – &c., &c.[With slight textual modifications.Third Stanza

      At Kinsington we 'alted, 'Ammersmith, and Turnham Green,

      The 'orse 'ad sech a thust on him, its like was never seen!

      With every 'arf a mile or so, that animal got blown:

      And we was far too well brought-up to let 'im drink alone!

Chorus– As we 'ad to stop, o' course, &c.Fourth Stanza

      We stopped again at Chiswick, till at last we got to Kew,

      But when we reached the Gardings – well, there was a fine to-do!

      The Keeper, in his gold-laced tile, was shutting-to the gate,

      Sez he: "There's no admittance now – you're just arrived too late!"

      [Synopsis of spoken Interlude: Spirited passage-at-arms between Mr. Wm. Blazer and the Keeper; singular action of Pa Plapper; "I want to see yer Pagoder – bring out yer old Pagoder as you're so proud on!" Mrs. Addick'sdisappointment at not being able to see the "Intemperate Plants," and the "Pitcher Shrub," once more. Her subsidence in tears, on the floor of the van. Keeperconcludes the dialogue by inquiring why the party did not arrive sooner. An' we sez, "Well, it was like this, ole cock robin – d'yer see?"

Chorus– We've 'ad to stop, o' course, &c.Fifth Stanza

      "Don't fret," I sez, "about it, for they ain't got much to see

      Inside their precious Gardings – so let's go and 'ave some tea!

      A cup I seem to fancy now – I feel that faint and limp —

      With a slice of bread-and-butter, and some creases, and a s'rimp!"

      [Description of the tea: – "And the s'rimps – well, I don'twant to say anything against the s'rimps – but it did strike me they were feelin' the 'eat a little – s'rimps are liable to it, and you can't prevent 'em." After tea. The only tune Mr. Blazer could play on his accordion. Tragic end of that instrument. How the party had a "little more lush." Scandalous behaviour of "Bill Blazer's girl." The company consume what will be elegantly referred to as "a bit o' booze." Aunt Snapper"gets the 'ump." The outrage to her front. The proposal to start – whereupon, "Mrs. Addick, who was a'-settin' on the geraniums in the winder, smilin' at her boots, which she'd just took off because she said they stopped her breathing," protested that there was no hurry, considering that—

Chorus, as before– We've got to stop, o' course, &c.Sixth Stanza

      But when the van was ordered, we found – what do yer think?

[To the Chef d'Orchestre, who will affect complete ignorance.

      That miserable 'orse 'ad been an' took too much to drink!

      He kep' a reeling round us, like a circus worked by steam,

      And, 'stead o' keeping singular, he'd turned into a team!

      [Disgust of the party: Pa Plapper proposes to go back to the inn for more refreshment, urging —

      Chorus– We must wait awhile o' course,

      Till they've sobered down the 'orse.

      Just another pot o' porter

      Or a drop o' something shorter,

      While our good landlady's daughter

      Takes him out some soda-warter.

      For he's 'ad more than he oughter,

      He's 'ad more than he oughter,

      'As the poor old 'orse!

Seventh Stanza

      So, when they brought the 'orse round, we started on our way:

      'Twas 'orful 'ow the animal from side to side would sway!

      Young 'Opkins took the reins, but soon in slumber he was sunk —

      (Indignantly.) When a interfering Copper ran us in for being drunk!

      [Attitude of various members of the party. Unwarrantable proceeding on the part of the Constable. Remonstrance by Pa Plapper and the company generally in—

      Chorus– Why, can't yer shee? o' coursh

      Tishn't us – it ish the 'orsh!

      He's a whale at swilling water,

      We've 'ad only ale and porter,

      Or a drop o' something shorter.

      You le'mme go, you shnorter!

      Don' you tush me till you oughter!

      Jus' look 'ere – to cut it shorter —

      Take the poor old 'orsh!

      [General adjournment to the Police-station. Interview with the Magistrate on the following morning. Mr. Hopkinscalled upon to state his defence, replies in—

      Chorus– Why, your wushup sees, o' course,

      It was all the bloomin' 'orse!

      He would 'ave a pail o' water

      Every 'arf a mile (or quarter),

      Which is what he didn't oughter!

      He shall stick to ale or porter,

      With a drop o' something shorter,

      I'm my family's supporter —

      Fine the poor old 'orse!

      [The Magistrate's view of the case. Concluding remark that, notwithstanding the success of the excursion, as a whole – it will be some time before the singer consents to go upon any excursion with a horse of such bibulous tendencies as those of the quadruped they drove to Kew.

      viii.– THE DRAMATIC SCENA

      This is always a popular form of entertainment, demanding, as it does, even more dramatic than vocal ability on the part of the artist. A song of this kind is nothing if not severely moral, an frequently depicts the downward career of an incipient drunkard with all the lurid logic of a Temperance Tract. Mr. Punch, however, is inclined to think that the lesson would be even more appreciated and taken to heart by the audience, if a slightly