The bull and the butterfly. Alla Krasnova

out to him that he’s special and that she’s «experienced a lot because of him.» Jean sometimes even forgets that he is «different» because everyone has long been used to his skin color, but with enviable regularity, Elona reminds him of this. Jean doesn’t know that Elona likes dating a black man, because it makes her «different from everyone else» in the eyes of manypeople «не такой, как всand makes her more visible, special, and stand out from everyone else.

      Jean is sorry that Elona has lowered her hand, and that he can no longer contemplate her beautiful armpit, in which he would like to hide or bury his nose in it. This armpit reminds him of a cradle containing the wisdom of the mother’s womb. After Elona lowered her hand, Jean was forced to descend from heaven to the sinful earth. Previously, Jean refused to move to Moscow, because he could not leave his grandmother, who raised him. But recently, his grandmother died, so Jean no longer finds any significant arguments to answer Elona with a refusal. But Elona is going to Moscow through participation in the play that Eva puts on. Elona is sureнthat she will be seen in this performance and will definitely be noticed and invited somewhere. But this is not enough for Elona, she also wants Jean to be accepted into the crowd, because this will allow her not to spend money on his accommodation in Moscow when they go there with the performance.

      «Okay, what should I do?» Jean mumbles to himself. – When are you auditioning for extras there? He asks wearily, not even looking at Elona.

      Elona squeals with happiness andabruptly gets up from the bed, running to Jean to hug him. This outburst of emotion confuses Jean a little. Jeandoesn’t know where she’s real, but where she’s acting. Because if a few minutes ago she was arrogant and haughty, and now she behaves like a simple naughty girl. Jean doesn’t know, but whydoes he want to think that when she acts like a naughty girl, she is real, and everything else is just an image, a role that she skillfully plays.

      «Well, you finally agreed! Elona says, putting happiness on her face. «You’ll see, this toad will take you,» Elona says quickly, referring to Eve. «I’ll ask for you, and she’ll take you on as an extra!» There are just such people as you are required. So quiet, «Elona kisses Jean on the head,» so nothing, «Elona kisses Jean on the neck,» and so that they can blend in with the crowd, «Elona kisses Jean sonorously on the ear, Jean frowns in displeasure. «Damn,» Elona suddenly seems to think, «if they don’t take you because of your skin color, I’ll smear you with my tonak or whitewash and chase you again.»

      Jean winces, but not at the kiss on the ear, because it seems to him that she is serious about «chasing again».

      3

      Eve opens the first drawer of the dresser and looks at the contents of the drawer. It’s just a tradition for her to open the first drawer of her dresser and look through it before taking a shower. Eve opens this drawer like a morgue drawer to check if the dead that used to make her heart beat faster are still there. But it’s not just this drawer that Eve pulls open, it’s also the way she opens her soul to see if the memories that were part of her life so recently are still there. And they are always in place, because they are not replaced by new ones. Eva deliberately does not want to take new feelings from life, so as not to use them to expel the old ones. Usually Eva doesn’t take anything with her in the shower, no underwear, because all the underwear that is in this drawer is not enough for her. It is very expensive, and it is not enough for her. She hasn’t worn it in almost ten years, and it’s been in her dresser ever since she moved here from St. Petersburg.

      After the first drawer, she opens the second drawer of the dresser and takes out some underwear without looking at it. This underwear is inexpensive, it is large in size, most often cotton. Eva doesn’t like the color whitebecause it makes her feel very dirty and old. Therefore, in the second drawer of the dresser lies underwear in various shades of pink and blue. She throws it on the bed to put on after the shower.

      In the shower, Eva turnson the faucet, and cold water pours down on her body. Forty-five-year-old Eva shivers from the cold, but she endures without uttering a sound. Although if she started making sounds, no one would hear her anyway, because Eva lives alone. Eve realizes that she has to wake up. After cold water, it turns on hot water. Acontrast shower should help her get in shape and restore a little of her nervous system, which has long since fallen into disrepair due to Eve’s conflicted inner life.

      Eva considers herself a director of the old Soviet school, so she understands that without discipline, nothing will happen at all. And Eva now needs this discipline, a daily routine and breaking bad habits to take a timeout before the inevitable end of her life. In the past, when she wasn’t working-a period that lasted foralmost ten years-she didn’t get up until the afternoon, but now she has to stick to the rules. She needs to get up at six in the morning so that she can go to the theater and be able to think about the production.

      Eve switches the hot water to cold, which makes her feel good, and then cold water to hot water again. But it doesn’t make her feel good for long, because, when she’s warm, she starts thinking about what she looks like right now, at this point in time. And Eva doesn’t look so good. Or rather, it looks terrible. Eva is very glad that there are no zephyrs in her bathroom, because they would make her existence here unbearable. Eva looks down at her legs, realizing that her sagging breasts will allow her to see them in full. Eva’s legs are unremarkable, the same as almost any other age woman’s. The veins on them are a little swollen because the veins can’t handle her hot blood. But they don’t attract Eva’s attention; she often draws attention to her toenails. Evasmiles, because she rememberswhat she used to say when she was a child, that these are not just fingernails, but little windows that angels will always look out of. Eva always likedto invent something, and she still does. Eve looks at her fingernails, which belong to the toes of two of her feet, she looks at all ten nails, waiting for angels to look out of these nail windows. It’s strange, because прошit’s been more than forty years since they came up with this idea, and Eva is still waitingfor them… Because in spite of everything, Eva has not forgotten how to believe in a miracle. Eva has no right not to believe in a miracle, because she is a director, and not just any, but a theater director. Theater directors should definitely believe in a miracle, this is their professional skill. If she doesn’t believe in a miracle, it won’t happen. And on the stage, a miracle is a mandatory phenomenon, which cannot be dispensed with. Eva turns off the water, shakes himself off, almost like a dog after ado wdya, and the hands on which you can see the hair standing on end are covered with large goosebumps.

      Eva doesn’t like to dry herself off with a towel after a shower, so she waits for the water torun off her самаbody and let it dry. Therefore, when she leaves the bathroom, she leaves wet footprints behind her. Feeling the water trickle down her back, Eve pours herself a cup of tea, which she prefers too strong and sugar-free. More often than not, Eva puts two teabags in her cup at once, but onlybecauseshe thinks that dying one teabag in a mug is somehow boringin general. Yewa presents himselfas a tea bag thatsimplyneeds to be immersed in a theatrical performance, because art requires sacrifice.

      Sometimes, before she dries her hair and puts on her underwear, Eva wonders if someone is looking out the window at her. It wouldn’t have bothered her at all if they had. She would even be somewhat pleased to know that the torment of looking at her time-worn body wasn’t just for her. Eva had lived alone for so long that she had learned to entertain herself with interesting thoughts so as not to lose her mind. And one of the most interesting thoughts Eva considers thoughts about time, which performs thousands of actions on a person, as if putting experiments on him. Eve knows that time has two styles of human communication: in the first case, it repeatedly kicks in the ass treacherously, and in the second-politely or at least in a gentle mode.

      Eva sits down on a chair to drink tea and looks down. She has gray hair everywhere, because time does not spare the bodyall the time. But Eva doesn’t want to accept beingstepped on her throat and other body parts since старостьYu’s old age, Eva still believes in a miracle. Therefore, she cannot, does not have theright not to believe in him,