The Resilient Founder. Mahendra Ramsinghani

-by Mary Oliver

       I go down to the shore in the morning

       and depending on the hour the waves

       are rolling in or moving out,

       and I say, oh, I am miserable,

       what shall -

       what should I do? And the sea says

       in its lovely voice:

       Excuse me, I have work to do

      Fantasizing about Death versus Facing the Harshness of Reality

Then there is always this possibility that suicide might not work out. That embarrassment of a failed attempt and the dark humor that comes with it … guess I failed at suicide too?

      The list of all those who failed at suicide is long. Tim Ferriss and Jerry Colonna failed at suicide. They went on and succeeded in many other ways. For one, they lived to talk about their journey and inspire the rest of us.

If suicide is a form of repressed frustration, openness about suicidal thoughts might be a welcome form, a release of sorts. Easier said than done, but after all, we are merely talking about what most of us may have felt at some point or another in life. Just like any other frustration compounded by a mix of emotions. Like love, joy, or sadness. By speaking about our repressed frustrations, we take a step toward relief. We bring it out from within, we stare at it, understand it. How do these frustrations seize our power of judgment, numb us so completely and crush our motivation? When we fail to make peace with reality, and keep ruminating in hopelessness, we get into a downward spiral and an all-consuming negative vortex. Our aspirations fuel us on, but the range of unintended outcomes becomes hard to handle (see Table 2.1).

Table 2-1 Aspirations and Outcomes

Aspirations	Unintended outcomes
Financial freedom	Overwhelmed/overstimulated
Problem-solving skills	Feeling adrift
Logical processes	Disorganized chaos
Self-confidence	Fear, anxiety, and defensive behaviors
Adaptability/agility	Rigidity/fear of change/aggression
New learnings and growth	Stagnancy and pessimism
Enhanced empathy for team members and customers	Inability to understand and express emotions; self-centered/one-sided

      When in such a vortex, the best thing to do is to postpone any plans till tomorrow. And between now and tomorrow, those aching parts inside you – how can you help those gnawing, angry, frustrated parts to be still? Talking about suicide is as easy as chewing glass, but starting with “I am not feeling as good today” may just as well be a starting point.

      Dr. Irvin D. Yalom, MD, professor emeritus of psychiatry at Stanford University, often tells his suicidal patients, “There is a part of you that is here today. I want to talk to that part of you …”

      You are here today.

      And so am I.

      And while we are still here, we have to contribute our verse.

       O Me! O Life!

       -Walt Whitman

       Oh me! Oh life! of the questions of these recurring,

       Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill'd with the foolish,

       Of myself forever reproaching myself,

       (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)

       Of eyes that vainly crave the light,

       of the objects mean,

       of the struggle ever renew'd,

       Of the poor results of all,

       of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me,

       Of the empty and useless years of the rest,

       with the rest me intertwined,

       The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these,

       O me, O life?

       Answer

       That you are here – that life exists and identity,

       That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.

      What verse will you contribute?

NOTE

      1 1. M. ten Have, B. W. J. H. Penninx, M. Tuithof, S. van Dorsselaer, M. Kleinjan, J. Spijker, and R. de Graaf, “Duration of Major and Minor Depressive Episodes and Associated Risk Indicators in a Psychiatric Epidemiological Cohort Study of the General Population,” Acta Psychiatrica Scandinavica, May 16, 2017, https://doi.org/10.1111/acps.12753

3 How External Events Trigger Negative Feelings

      What brings misery to a founder? Competition? Lack of financing? Market acceptance of product? Or the inability to do a hundred small things required each day?

Stressful life events have a substantial relationship with the onset of episodes of major depression, researchers proclaim, as seen in Table 3.1. A start-up life includes a generous dose of depressive triggers; loss of job occurs by design or default. There is neither a financial cushion nor a predictable drip of a salary each month. All founders have faced financial problems, be it personal or be it payroll. Or legal hassles. Marital challenges are not too far behind.

But here is the counterintuitive part: about one-third of the association between stressful life events and onsets of depression is noncausal, since “individuals predisposed to major depression select themselves into high-risk environments.”¹ Put differently, we throw ourselves into high-risk environments to feed our innate tendencies. Is it the start-up life that leads us to a depressive episode, or is it our predisposition that puts us in such a situation?

Table 3-1 External Events and Depression Triggers

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Life Events	Odds that such events trigger depression