Самые лучшие английские анекдоты. Отсутствует

[54] which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down.

      While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they’d seen a goat.

      “Yeah, just now,” said one of the first two guys. “It just ran up and jumped down this hole.”

      “Oh, well then it couldn’t have been my goat,” said the third guy. “My goat was tied to an old railroad tie.”

* * *

      Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.

      One lady says, “You know, I’m really getting forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”

      The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!”

      The third lady smiles, “Well, my memory is just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood,[55]” she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”

* * *

      Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.

      “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?” asks St. Peter.

      The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

      The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a difference in our children of tomorrow.”

      The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say, “Look! He’s moving!”

* * *

      While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

      “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,” one says, “but we have no one to go to with our own problems.”

      “Since we’re all professionals,” another suggests, “why don’t we hear each other out right now?”

      They agreed this is a good idea.

      The first psychiatrist confesses, “I’m a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually over-bill my patients as often as I can.”

      The second admits, “I have a drug problem that’s out of control, and I often pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.”

      The third psychiatrist says, “I know it’s wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t keep a secret.”

* * *

      A mother brings her five year old son to the doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

      “So Doctor, what do you think is the matter with my little boy?” she asks.

      The doctor replies, “He’s just not eating properly.”

* * *

      When anyone asked the elderly spinster why she had not married, she answered:

      “I have a dog that growls, a parrot that swears, a fireplace that smokes, and a cat that stays out all night. Why should I want a husband?”

* * *

      “Doctor, Doctor, my little boy just swallowed a roll of film!”

      “Hmmmm. Let’s hope nothing develops.[56]”

* * *

      “Doctor, Doctor, I’ve lost my memory!”

      “When did this happen?”

      “When did what happen?”

* * *

      The difference between dogs and cats. A dog thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be gods!” A cat thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a god!”

* * *

      A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. “Jesus is watching you!” “Who’s there?” The robber said. But no sound was heard. So he kept going and he heard it two more times when he spotted a parrot. “What’s your name?” the robber asked. “Cocodora?” said the parrot. “Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora”, said the robber. “The same idiot who named the rotweiler[57] Jesus,” said the parrot.

* * *

      “Why you are going to marry that police captain?”

      Примечания

      1

      lived to be 107 years old – дожил до 107 лет

      2

      to putter along – плестись

      3

      22 MPH = 22 miles per hour – миль в час

      4

      pulls the driver over – останавливает водителя

      5

      Let’s get off the corner. – Ну-ка, разойдитесь.

      6

      picks up – забирает, подхватывает

      7

      nervousness builds – волнение растёт

      8

      walk around – подходить

      9

      as she got to – когда она подошла

      10

      without missing a beat – не задумавшись

55

knock on wood – как бы не сглазить

56

nothing develops – игра слов: ничего не произойдёт; ничего не проявится (на плёнке)

57

rotweiler – ротвейлер (порода собаки)