Facing Sufering. Roberto Badenas

to begin with. A famous beauty watches herself age in the mirror, battling gray hair, weight gain, wrinkles or flabbiness. An athlete who was admired for his physique suffers the withering of his body to a greater extent than the rest of us who were always average or unattractive. Those who loved or were loved despair after being abandoned. Those who possessed wealth and lost it are much more unhappy than those who were always poor. Whether we like it or not, our past casts its shadow over our present.15 As Lord Byron said, “The memory of joy is no longer joy; the memory of pain is pain still.”

      The actor who was an idol cannot stand to be forgotten. The athlete who dreads being replaced may try to prolong his career by using chemicals…. It is difficult to cure yourself of past triumphs— of glory lost. The writer becomes depressed if her latest book sells fewer copies than her previous book, and the singer grows somber if he books fewer performances than before…. Far from being content with what life gave us for a time, we feel that the past no longer counts, no matter how great it was. Money accumulated no longer satisfies if we don’t keep earning. Admiration once received is worthless if it is no longer given. Beauty once possessed becomes a bitter memory once it is lost…

      Why do we place so little value on what we have accomplished, once it has passed? A growing number of people undergo countless operations and inject any chemical into their bodies just to look younger, but they often end up looking deformed…. And there is the vain politician who isn’t adverse to making any compromise to improve his image, trying to get the votes that will enable him to remain in power….

The phrase “time heals all wounds” expresses a relative truth. The wounds, it is true, often heal. The skin pulls back together, renewing itself until it forms a new barrier against infection. But the new skin, the healed area, usually remains more sensitive than the surrounding skin. More fragile. And each time that the scar comes into contact with a foreign object, there is a memory of the initial wound. The injury heals but remains fragile. The same thing happens when a word, a thought, an image, brings back the memory of suffering from long ago. The wound is healed, but the fragility of the memory remains. Years pass and the scar lingers…as long as love or memory remains.16

      A sense of failure

We humans are the only living beings that trip over the same stone a thousand times and then blame the stone. Nevertheless, what we suffer from could help us to identify the causes of our failings. This realization can allow us to take personal responsibility for what happens to us, to question the beliefs that society imposes on us, and then change direction. That’s the opinion held by Jose Luis Montes (Spain, 1965), former administrator of several international corporations such as Epson, Xerox, and Tech Data: “I believed that success meant reaching the top and making lots of money,” he admits. “I achieved everything the system says you should to be happy, but when I got to the top I felt empty.”17

      Moved by a profound longing to find himself and undertake a life project based on values, not on profit, Montes sold his business a few years ago. What he calls his “inner transformation” has led him to become the founder of the social movement Wikihappiness. This successful former administrator now gives conferences for administrators, at which he speaks of triumph and failure.

      “When you don’t know who you are or what you want, you are a slave to your own low self-esteem and insecurity. This lack of confidence leads you to think and do what others think and do. Authentic people are free, consistent, and honest with themselves. When we are very young other people fill our heads with preconceived notions about how we should live our lives. They condition us to triumph at all costs, to take that route into the temple of happiness. But it is a big lie. I have lived in that place and it’s empty. Happiness doesn’t depend on what we possess, but rather on what we are and our ability to live in accord with ourselves. Often the race to possess becomes an obstacle in the path to being.”

“I have proven”—Montes continues—“that if your main goal is to achieve success, power, and money, then you need to be selfish and ambitious, and you end up destroying the innate humanity inside you…. You disconnect from your essence and you forget the values and projects that really are worth the effort. They have programmed us to be unhappy, and the majority of us are—only very few of us have the humility and courage to recognize it. Our worst enemy is self-deception, not wanting to recognize the uneasiness we feel inside. There is no worse failure than setting wrong goals and reaching them. That is why there are so many successful people who are so unhappy: because they have done what the system has imposed on them and not what their heart dictates. Success is to be consistent with yourself, with the dictates of your conscience. If you don’t learn to be happy with yourself, it is certain that you will end up thinking you are a failure.”18

      Frustration is produced by depending on others for our happiness. The sense of failure is a major source of suffering. And from frustration to anger there is but a single step.

      Anger and feelings of guilt

Anger is an almost inevitable emotion brought on by annoyance. It is positive when we rebel against injustices or abuses. But it becomes negative, and even dangerous, when it interferes with our ability to think, when we are blinded with the desire for vengeance or determined to be destructive, letting ourselves be brought low by violence against others or against ourselves.19 Hatred and anger are the most natural responses to pain, but they are also the most damaging. Hate is a deadly poison, and anger is self-destructive.20 Marcus Aurelius said, with sound judgment, “How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.”21

Driven by anger, convinced that their problems are dependent on factors outside themselves, many patients develop an additional feeling of hatred that can poison their lives if it is not resolved in time.22 Others, without reason, turn their anger against themselves, convinced that their situation is a just punishment for some fault.23 The antidote to anger is serenity, one of the most useful virtues in life, especially for those who suffer. Mental and spiritual healing—which includes overcoming feelings of hatred, guilt, and remorse—is as important or more important than somatic recovery, if the aim is to achieve total healing.24 But both require patience, and positive attitudes.

      Positive attitudes

The wise Solomon said, “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”25 To face our existence realistically, we first need to be conscious of all that is positive about our situation and recognize that any glass half empty is also half full. There is always something to be grateful for.

      Even in the midst of our pain, we can remember that the body contains countless cells that are working continuously on our behalf:

      1 Our brains have countless active neurons that keep our thinking alert and make us conscious of the world around us.

      2 Our eyes are wonderful receptors that allow us to enjoy the magic of colors and shapes, the wonder of light, the beauties of nature, the immensity of the universe and relationships with our fellow man.

      3 Our ears contain fine filaments that vibrate with children’s laughter, birdsong, orchestra music, the soft patter of raindrops, and the voices of the people we love.

      4 Most human beings can move. We can walk, jump, run, dance, or play sports. We have hundreds of muscles and bones coordinated by prodigiously synchronized nerves, ready to obey us and take us where we want to go.

      5 Our lungs are amazing filters. Through millions of alveoli, they purify the air that they take in, oxygenate our blood and free our bodies from harmful waste. There is no doubt that we were created for life. We have been designed to be happy.

How can we complain about pain in our arms or legs, when we see others who don’t have any of these limbs and still laugh?26 I have known blind people who are happy, because they know how to see the light beyond the shadows, and I also have met people whose eyes work perfectly and yet live in the shadows, because they don’t know how to truly see…. Why limit ourselves to thinking of the few things that make us suffer and not remember the many things for which we should be grateful?

      I must add, however, that it is dangerous to let ourselves be seduced by the siren