Pygmalion and Other Plays. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

S. [Wounded almost to tears.] I leave you, sir. You are incorrigible. [He turns towards the gate.]

      FRANK. [Utterly unmoved.] Tell them I shan’t be home to tea, will you, gov’nor, like a good fellow? [He moves towards the cottage door and is met by Praed and Vivie coming out.]

      VIVIE. [To Frank.] Is that your father, Frank? I do so want to meet him.

      FRANK. Certainly. [Calling after his father.] Gov’nor. You’re wanted. [The parson turns at the gate, fumbling nervously at his hat. Praed crosses the garden to the opposite side, beaming in anticipation of civilities.] My father: Miss Warren.

      VIVIE. [Going to the clergyman and shaking his hand.] Very glad to see you here, Mr. Gardner. [Calling to the cottage.] Mother: come along: you’re wanted. [Mrs. Warren appears on the threshold, and is immediately transfixed, recognizing the clergyman.]

      VIVIE. [Continuing.] Let me introduce—

      MRS. WARREN. [Swooping on the Reverend Samuel.] Why it’s Sam Gardner, gone into the Church! Well, I never! Don’t you know us, Sam? This is George Crofts, as large as life and twice as natural. Don’t you remember me?

      REV. S. [Very red.] I really—er—

      MRS. WARREN. Of course you do. Why, I have a whole album of your letters still: I came across them only the other day.

      REV. S. [Miserably confused.] Miss Vavasour, I believe.

      MRS. WARREN. [Correcting him quickly in a loud whisper.] Tch! Nonsense! Mrs. Warren: don’t you see my daughter there?

      ACT II

      Inside the cottage after nightfall. Looking eastward from within instead of westward from without, the latticed window, with its curtains drawn, is now seen in the middle of the front wall of the cottage, with the porch door to the left of it. In the left-hand side wall is the door leading to the kitchen. Farther back against the same wall is a dresser with a candle and matches on it, and Frank’s rifle standing beside them, with the barrel resting in the plate-rack. In the centre a table stands with a lighted lamp on it. Vivie’s books and writing materials are on a table to the right of the window, against the wall. The fireplace is on the right, with a settle: there is no fire. Two of the chairs are set right and left of the table.

      The cottage door opens, shewing a fine starlit night without; and Mrs. Warren, her shoulders wrapped in a shawl borrowed from Vivie, enters, followed by Frank, who throws his cap on the window seat. She has had enough of walking, and gives a gasp of relief as she unpins her hat; takes it off; sticks the pin through the crown; and puts it on the table.

      MRS. WARREN. O Lord! I don’t know which is the worst of the country, the walking or the sitting at home with nothing to do. I could do with a whisky and soda now very well, if only they had such a things in this place.

      FRANK. Perhaps Vivie’s got some.

      MRS. WARREN. Nonsense! What would a young girl like her be doing with such things! Never mind: it don’t matter. I wonder how she passes her time here! I’d a good deal rather be in Vienna.

      FRANK. Let me take you there. [He helps her to take off her shawl, gallantly giving her shoulders a very perceptible squeeze as he does so.]

      MRS. WARREN. Get out! I’m beginning to think you’re a chip of the old block.

      FRANK. Like the gov’nor, eh?

      MRS. WARREN. Never you mind. What do you know about such things? You’re only a boy.

      FRANK. Do come to Vienna with me? It’d be ever such larks.

      MRS. WARREN. No, thank you. Vienna is no place for you—at least not until you’re a little older. [She nods at him to emphasize this piece of advice. He makes a mock-piteous face, belied by his laughing eyes. She looks at him; then comes back to him.] Now, look here, little boy. [Taking his face in her hands and turning it up to her.] I know you through and through by your likeness to your father, better than you know yourself. Don’t you go taking any silly ideas into your head about me. Do you hear?

      FRANK. [Gallantly wooing her with his voice.] Can’t help it, my dear Mrs. Warren: it runs in the family. [She pretends to box his ears; then looks at the pretty laughing upturned face of a moment, tempted. At last she kisses him, and immediately turns away, out of patience with herself.]

      MRS. WARREN. There! I shouldn’t have done that. I am wicked. Never you mind, my dear: it’s only a motherly kiss. Go and make love to Vivie.

      FRANK. So I have.

      MRS. WARREN. [Turning on him with a sharp note of alarm in her voice.] What!

      FRANK. Vivie and I are ever such chums.

      MRS. WARREN. What do you mean? Now see here: I won’t have any young scamp tampering with my little girl. Do you hear? I won’t have it.

      FRANK. [Quite unabashed.] My dear Mrs. Warren: don’t you be alarmed. My intentions are honorable: ever so honorable; and your little girl is jolly well able to take care of herself. She don’t need looking after half so much as her mother. She ain’t so handsome, you know.

      MRS. WARREN. [Taken aback by his assurance.] Well, you have got a nice healthy two inches of cheek all over you. I don’t know where you got it. Not from your father, anyhow.

      CROFTS. [In the garden.] The gipsies, I suppose?

      REV. S. [Replying.] The broomsquires are far worse.

      MRS. WARREN. [To Frank.] S-sh! Remember! you’ve had your warning. [Crofts and the Reverend Samuel Gardner come in from the garden, the clergyman continuing his conversation as he enters.]

      REV. S. The perjury at the Winchester assizes is deplorable.

      MRS. WARREN. Well? what became of you two? And wheres Praddy and Vivie?

      CROFTS. [Putting his hat on the settle and his stick in the chimney corner.] They went up the hill. We went to the village. I wanted a drink. [He sits down on the settle, putting his legs up along the seat.]

      MRS. WARREN. Well, she oughtn’t to go off like that without telling me. [To Frank.] Get your father a chair, Frank: where are your manners? [Frank springs up and gracefully offers his father his chair; then takes another from the wall and sits down at the table, in the middle, with his father on his right and Mrs. Warren on his left.] George: where are you going to stay to-night? You can’t stay here. And what’s Praddy going to do?

      CROFTS. Gardner’ll put me up.

      MRS. WARREN. Oh, no doubt you’ve taken care of yourself! But what about Praddy?

      CROFTS. Don’t know. I suppose he can sleep at the inn.

      MRS. WARREN. Haven’t you room for him, Sam?

      REV. S. Well—er—you see, as rector here, I am not free to do as I like. Er—what is Mr. Praed’s social position?

      MRS. WARREN. Oh, he’s all right: he’s an architect. What an old stick-in-the-mud you are, Sam!

      FRANK. Yes, it’s all right, gov’nor. He built that place down in Wales for the Duke. Caernarvon Castle they call it. You must have heard of it. [He winks with lightning smartness at Mrs. Warren, and regards his father blandly.]

      REV. S. Oh, in that case, of course we shall only be too happy. I suppose he knows the Duke personally.

      FRANK. Oh, ever so intimately! We can stick him in Georgina’s old room.

      MRS. WARREN. Well, that’s settled. Now if those two would only come in and let us have supper. They’ve no right to stay out after dark like this.

      CROFTS. [Aggressively.] What harm are they doing you?

      MRS. WARREN. Well, harm or not, I don’t like it.

      FRANK. Better not wait for them, Mrs. Warren. Praed will stay out as long as possible. He has never known before what it is to stray over the heath