Pygmalion and Other Plays. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

you if they go and do just the opposite of what you tell them the moment your back is turned? Look at our congregation at St. Dominic’s! Why do they come to hear you talking about Christianity every Sunday? Why, just because they’ve been so full of business and money-making for six days that they want to forget all about it and have a rest on the seventh, so that they can go back fresh and make money harder than ever! You positively help them at it instead of hindering them.

      MORELL. [With energetic seriousness.] You know very well, Candida, that I often blow them up soundly for that. But if there is nothing in their church-going but rest and diversion, why don’t they try something more amusing—more self-indulgent? There must be some good in the fact that they prefer St. Dominic’s to worse places on Sundays.

      CANDIDA. Oh, the worst places aren’t open; and even if they were, they daren’t be seen going to them. Besides, James, dear, you preach so splendidly that it’s as good as a play for them. Why do you think the women are so enthusiastic?

      MORELL. [Shocked.] Candida!

      CANDIDA. Oh, I know. You silly boy: you think it’s your Socialism and your religion; but if it was that, they’d do what you tell them instead of only coming to look at you. They all have Prossy’s complaint.

      MORELL. Prossy’s complaint! What do you mean, Candida?

      CANDIDA. Yes, Prossy, and all the other secretaries you ever had. Why does Prossy condescend to wash up the things, and to peel potatoes and abase herself in all manner of ways for six shillings a week less than she used to get in a city office? She’s in love with you, James: that’s the reason. They’re all in love with you. And you are in love with preaching because you do it so beautifully. And you think it’s all enthusiasm for the kingdom of Heaven on earth; and so do they. You dear silly!

      MORELL. Candida: what dreadful, what soul-destroying cynicism! Are you jesting? Or—can it be?—are you jealous?

      CANDIDA. [With curious thoughtfulness.] Yes, I feel a little jealous sometimes.

      MORELL. [Incredulously.] What! Of Prossy?

      CANDIDA. [Laughing.] No, no, no, no. Not jealous of anybody. Jealous for somebody else, who is not loved as he ought to be.

      MORELL. Me!

      CANDIDA. You! Why, you’re spoiled with love and worship: you get far more than is good for you. No: I mean Eugene.

      MORELL. [Startled.] Eugene!

      CANDIDA. It seems unfair that all the love should go to you, and none to him, although he needs it so much more than you do. [A convulsive movement shakes him in spite of himself.] What’s the matter? Am I worrying you?

      MORELL. [Hastily.] Not at all. [Looking at her with troubled intensity.] You know that I have perfect confidence in you, Candida.

      CANDIDA. You vain thing! Are you so sure of your irresistible attractions?

      MORELL. Candida: you are shocking me. I never thought of my attractions. I thought of your goodness—your purity. That is what I confide in.

      CANDIDA. What a nasty, uncomfortable thing to say to me! Oh, you ARE a clergyman, James—a thorough clergyman.

      MORELL. [Turning away from her, heart-stricken.] So Eugene says.

      CANDIDA. [With lively interest, leaning over to him with her arms on his knee.] Eugene’s always right. He’s a wonderful boy: I have grown fonder and fonder of him all the time I was away. Do you know, James, that though he has not the least suspicion of it himself, he is ready to fall madly in love with me?

      MORELL. [Grimly.] Oh, he has no suspicion of it himself, hasn’t he?

      CANDIDA. Not a bit. [She takes her arms from his knee, and turns thoughtfully, sinking into a more restful attitude with her hands in her lap.] Some day he will know when he is grown up and experienced, like you. And he will know that I must have known. I wonder what he will think of me then.

      MORELL. No evil, Candida. I hope and trust, no evil.

      CANDIDA. [Dubiously.] That will depend.

      MORELL. [Bewildered.] Depend!

      CANDIDA. [Looking at him.] Yes: it will depend on what happens to him. [He look vacantly at her.] Don’t you see? It will depend on how he comes to learn what love really is. I mean on the sort of woman who will teach it to him.

      MORELL. [Quite at a loss.] Yes. No. I don’t know what you mean.

      CANDIDA. [Explaining.] If he learns it from a good woman, then it will be all right: he will forgive me.

      MORELL. Forgive!

      CANDIDA. But suppose he learns it from a bad woman, as so many men do, especially poetic men, who imagine all women are angels! Suppose he only discovers the value of love when he has thrown it away and degraded himself in his ignorance. Will he forgive me then, do you think?

      MORELL. Forgive you for what?

      CANDIDA. [Realizing how stupid he is, and a little disappointed, though quite tenderly so.] Don’t you understand? [He shakes his head. She turns to him again, so as to explain with the fondest intimacy.] I mean, will he forgive me for not teaching him myself? For abandoning him to the bad women for the sake of my goodness—my purity, as you call it? Ah, James, how little you understand me, to talk of your confidence in my goodness and purity! I would give them both to poor Eugene as willingly as I would give my shawl to a beggar dying of cold, if there were nothing else to restrain me. Put your trust in my love for you, James, for if that went, I should care very little for your sermons—mere phrases that you cheat yourself and others with every day. [She is about to rise.]

      MORELL. His words!

      CANDIDA. [Checking herself quickly in the act of getting up, so that she is on her knees, but upright.] Whose words?

      MORELL. Eugene’s.

      CANDIDA. [Delighted.] He is always right. He understands you; he understands me; he understands Prossy; and you, James—you understand nothing. [She laughs, and kisses him to console him. He recoils as if stung, and springs up.]

      MORELL. How can you bear to do that when—oh, Candida. [With anguish in his voice] I had rather you had plunged a grappling iron into my heart than given me that kiss.

      CANDIDA. [Rising, alarmed.] My dear: what’s the matter?

      MORELL. [Frantically waving her off.] Don’t touch me.

      CANDIDA. [Amazed.] James! [They are interrupted by the entrance of Marchbanks, with Burgess, who stops near the door, staring, whilst Eugene hurries forward between them.]

      MARCHBANKS. Is anything the matter?

      MORELL. [Deadly white, putting an iron constraint on himself.] Nothing but this: that either you were right this morning, or Candida is mad.

      BURGESS. [In loudest protest.] Wot! Candy mad too! Oh, come, come, come! [He crosses the room to the fireplace, protesting as he goes, and knocks the ashes out of his pipe on the bars. Morell sits down desperately, leaning forward to hide his face, and interlacing his fingers rigidly to keep them steady.]

      CANDIDA. [To Morell, relieved and laughing.] Oh, you’re only shocked! Is that all? How conventional all you unconventional people are!

      BURGESS. Come: be’ave yourself, Candy. What’ll Mr. Morchbanks think of you?

      CANDIDA. This comes of James teaching me to think for myself, and never to hold back out of fear of what other people may think of me. It works beautifully as long as I think the same things as he does. But now, because I have just thought something different!—look at him—just look! [She points to Morell, greatly amused. Eugene looks, and instantly presses his band on his heart, as if some deadly pain had shot through it, and sits down on the sofa like a man witnessing a tragedy.]

      BURGESS. [On the hearth-rug.] Well, James, you certainly ain’t as himpressive lookin’ as usu’l.

      MORELL. [With a laugh which is half a sob.] I suppose not. I beg all