She Just Can't Help Herself. Ollie Quain

care.’

      I plant a smacker on his mouth. Yes, he’s been smoking. I sense other women in the bar looking in our direction. They were looking at him, but now they are looking at us together; assessing our compatibility. Greg has become very good looking. To me, he always was, but over the last couple of years, I have noticed that a lot of—almost all—women do as well. He finally quit smoking marijuana, lost two stone and toned up to the point where you can see the sinewy outer line of muscle tissue through his clothes—which consequently, took on a more streamlined edge. I was surprised when he told me it was time ‘to hit the gym’. Previously, he’d been more the type of guy who would only look at the cover of Men’s Health if he was ripping it up for roach material.

      I kiss him again and come away from his face with a sticky chin.

      ‘Eww.’

      ‘So, what did you think of the set?’ he asks, pulling away. ‘Personally, I thought it went pretty well …’ He lowers his voice as the rest of the band start dismantling their equipment ‘… except for the Oasis tribute. The two new guys were on point but Jez fucked up the riff at the beginning of Wonderwall. I mean, seriously! You could give a monkey a banjo for half an hour and I guarantee it would be able to strum that out, no problem. Did you hear me do my solo on the guitar?’

      ‘Sorry, I’ve been running late all day.’ I had to wait for ages to get my procedure done at the hospital. ‘I’ve only just got here. Was it an, erm … acoustic …’ I cringe. ‘… spot?’

      ‘Yeah. Then the two newbies came in at the end. Nothing went wrong vocally or instrumentally, not surprising considering that numbnut wasn’t involved.’ He glances over at Jez. ‘Am thinking we need to have words. I don’t see how the band can progress with him as part of the unit. Don’t get me wrong, I love him as if he were a brother, but I already have a brother, and I choose not to see him, so I don’t need another holding me back. You wouldn’t want another sister, would you, babe?’

      ‘God, no.’

      He kisses me again. ‘You know I hate going on about it, but I don’t suppose she’s … erm, managed t—’

      ‘No, no, she hasn’t. You don’t need her though. You need talent and that’s what you have. That will bring you success.’ I say this as affirmatively as possible. ‘You’ve got it, Greg.’

      ‘Mmm …’ Greg gazes at the punters, no more or less excitedly guzzling their drinks then they were during the gig. ‘Shall we do the offski?’

      ‘Are you not cashing up tonight?’

      ‘Nah. If I hung around till closing, I’d explode the rock-’n’-roll mystique for my “fans” …’ He raises an eyebrow. ‘… that in real life, I manage a gastro pub and the only instrument I usually carry around with me is a portable chip-and-pin machine, not an electric guitar. Have a drink whilst I grab my stuff.’

      I order an orange juice and chat to the new barman. He’s ‘cute’, but I’ve never been attracted to boyish good looks. I like men. Greg is manly. And like I said, there was even more man at the beginning. He was solid physically. That was what drew me to him, because on a very basic level, I was looking for someone who was solid mentally.

      The night I first saw Greg, it was a Thursday. As we did on this day every week, Suze, Maddie and I would go to The Croft after work for some drinks. Suze saw him first, then Maddie and then me. With almost choreographed perfection their eyes swivelled from him to me, as if to say, ‘He’s SO your type!’, which was a fact, and I suppose quite sweet of them. But I could already sense the patronising exchange that was about to follow. It did.

      ‘Go and talk to him,’ said Maddie.

      ‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ I replied (only semi-)sarcastically. ‘I can’t do that. It is considered highly inappropriate for clientele frequenting drinking establishments to speak to the staff working there … except in extreme circumstances, like ordering a beverage.’

      ‘… and don’t attempt to distract the situation by making shit jokes,’ said Suze, snorting.

      ‘This could be fate,’ added Maddie. ‘He may have been sent to our pub for you. Everything happens for a reason.’

      I rolled my eyes at her. ‘You know who started that expression? The fairies at the bottom of the garden. They came up with it shortly after finishing off that day’s twelve horoscope predictions which would apply to the world’s population of seven billion.’

      Another snort from Suze. ‘Whatever, T, get on with it. When was the last time you dated?’

      ‘I went on a date last week.’

      ‘I mean, seriously dated.’ She rubbed her chin. ‘Actually, I remember … it was before Jasper had taken his exams for prep school. In fact, you came to his last sports day with the guy you were seeing. Jasper bit his teacher. She had to get a jab. Then Evie threw your bloke’s car keys into the swimming pool.’

      ‘You’re right, Suze, I forgot you had a calendar in your kitchen which correlates your children’s advance through the education system with my love life.’

      Suze laughed.

      ‘We only want you to be happy,’ added Maddie, who had recently made things official with her boyfriend, Kian.

      I rolled my eyes at her. ‘Surely it is a given that everyone should want that for everyone else as standard. But for some reason, as soon as a woman becomes part of a couple, she automatically morphs into this beatific altruistic creature who roams the land wanting happiness for all women. Maddie, suffragettes died on your behalf so that our gender could flourish in their lives without being reliant on men for anything, least of all happiness.’

      ‘Until you start thinking about kids,’ she replies. ‘If you want to have a baby, you’ll need a man. It’s a simple fact. And you’ll need one that you can rely on.’

      I stiffened. Suze sensed my reaction immediately. I know this because a second later she was replying to Maddie so I wouldn’t have to.

      ‘Bullshit, you don’t need to rely on a man to have a child. You only need one temporarily.’

      ‘You mean a donor?’ Maddie shook her head. ‘I don’t know whether I could do it. Not from a moral point of view, of course, it’s not for me to cast judgement in that sense. I mean, plan on being a single parent. I’d find it overwhelming. Within a day of meeting Kian, I knew I wanted him to be the father of my children. Two months in, I still do. But I want to wait until I am absolutely sure that the environment I am bringing that child into is right. Would it really be fair if I didn’t?’

      ‘Fair?’ I blurt out. ‘On who?’

      Maddie shrugs. ‘Well, the child.’

      ‘If you are intending on having one out of love, it doesn’t matter how many people are involved. One or one hundred!’ My voice rises. ‘And who are you to say what environment is right or wrong?’

      ‘I was only saying that I think it would be tough doing it on your own … and that the better scenario is a two-parent family. It’s a wider support system. You must agree with that?’

      I tutted at her for being so … well, so typically Middle England Maddie. But deep down, I agreed with her. Of course, it would be tough doing it on your own. It would take a brave woman to do that. If you were a scared girl, forget it.

      Suze clocked my expression and stepped in again.

      ‘Anyway, I think this is all getting a bit Loose Women. Are we going to get a drink or what? At this rate I’m going to die of thirst …’ She reached into her bag for her purse. ‘Oh, and if I do drop dead, you can have one of my children each. And then, trust me, neither of you will ever want one of your own!’

      So,