On Planet Fruitcake. Anne Fine

      

      You can visit Anne Fine’s website

       www.annefine.co.uk and download free bookplates from www.myhomelibrary.org

       EGMONT

      On Planet Fruitcake first published in Great Britain 2013 by Egmont UK Limited The Yellow Building, 1 Nicholas Road, London W11 4AN

      Text copyright © Anne Fine 2013

      Illustrations copyright © Kate Aldous

      The moral rights of the author and illustrator have been asserted

      First e-book edition 2013

      ISBN 978 1 4052 6356 6 (paperback)

       ISBN 978 1 4052 6357 3 (hardback)

       eISBN 978 1 7803 1275 0

       www.egmont.co.uk

      A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library

      All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

      Please note: Any website addresses listed in this book are correct at the time of going to print. However, Egmont cannot take responsibility for any third party content or advertising. Please be aware that online content can be subject to change and websites can contain content that is unsuitable for children. We advise that all children are supervised when using the internet.

      For Kit, of course.

       Contents

       Cover

       Title page

       Copyright

       Dedication

1: Problem!

2: ‘Is something wrong with your brains?’

3: On Planet Fruitcake

4: An axe dripping with blood

       5: Horribly dangerous

       6: Deep in the jungle

       7: Something normal

       8: Weird and silly things

       9: Brains in pots

       10: Scoop out my brain

       11: Married in a flowerpot hat

       12: ‘Don’t you want us thinking?’

       13: A clever and beautiful chicken

       14: A really stupid baby

       15: Suppose! Suppose! Suppose!

       16: The One and Only Philip

       17: ‘I will not have this pandemonium in my classroom!’

       18: Purple cows and black ice lollies

       19: You’ve lost the bet

       20: The most suitable present

       Also by Anne Fine

       About the Publisher

1

       Problem!

      Poor Philip had a problem. Everyone else adored his teacher, Miss Dove. They thought she was the nicest, kindest teacher in the whole school.

      ‘We are so lucky that we’re in her class!’ Beth kept on telling everyone.

      ‘Yes,’ Peter agreed. ‘She never gives us vinegary looks, the way the janitor does when we come in on wet mornings, tracking mud all over his clean floors.’

      ‘Or makes her mouth go tight and crimpy, like Mrs Edmond does when she’s getting ratty.’

      Philip said nothing, but he wasn’t so sure. He liked Miss Dove. Of course he did. She was so gentle. But every time she called him up to her desk for a private chat, she said the very same thing.

      ‘Philip, you’re always so quiet when we have class discussions. You never put up your hand to tell us what you think. Do you suppose you might be a little shy ’

      Poor Philip always shrugged. He didn’t believe he was shy. He made as much noise as anyone else in the playground. He cheered as loudly as everyone else when he heard there was pizza for lunch.

      But he was quiet in class. He couldn’t think of anything he really wanted to say. If Miss Dove asked him a question like, ‘Does metal