Paper Butterflies. Lisa Heathfield

hold my breath.

      The thought of chocolate cake creeps up my throat.

      ‘I’m glad your friends came round though,’ my dad says. He stretches out on his side and leans his head on the triangle of his arm. ‘So it’s getting easier, is it?’

      I look down at the grass. I pick a blade and another. Picking them and just throwing them away.

      ‘It’s not going to change overnight, honey, but having a few friends round for your birthday is a start.’

      Tell him. There were no friends. It’s all a lie. But my head can’t seem to start the words.

      ‘Kath tried so hard to make it good for you.’ He sweeps his palm gently across the top of the grass. ‘We’re lucky to have her, aren’t we?’ When he looks at me, I know I can’t say it. He’s got a happiness in his eyes that was burnt out when Mom died. ‘I don’t know what I’d do without her.’

      ‘I wish I had skin your colour,’ I say. I don’t know why that suddenly comes out now. And it’s sort of not true. Not all the time, in any case. I got my skin from my mom and I want to keep it.

      ‘Oh, honey.’ He puts his arm out for me and I curl into him and suddenly I feel so safe. I want to stay lying like this forever, where no one can touch me, no one can hurt me. ‘Have other kids been saying things again?’ I don’t move. I don’t nod, or shake my head. Nothing. ‘I know it’s hard, but you’ve just got to ignore them. You’re a beautiful little girl. Every part of you – your brown skin, your big smile, your eyes like perfect chocolate buttons that I want to eat every time I look at you.’

      He pretends to eat my cheek, but it tickles and I squirm away.

      ‘I wish I had long, blonde hair,’ I say. ‘And it’d be so straight.’

      ‘No, you don’t want that,’ my dad says.

      But that’s what she’s got, I want to say. You love Kathleen because of her hair.

      ‘You see, hair like yours is special. You don’t want to be one of the crowd. It’s good to stand out. To be a bit unique.’

       No. I want to sit on the bus with blonde hair. I don’t want Ryan sticking pencils in it, because he says they’ll get stuck. I want to walk down the corridor without them making bird noises at the bird’s nest of my hair.

      ‘You are so like your mom,’ my dad says. ‘She learnt to keep her head held high and that’s what you’re doing too. You’re worth something, June.’

      I press my head into his chest until I find his heart, the steady beat of it. Yes no yes no.

      I can’t imagine that my mom’s heart stopped. If it had just kept beating, she’d be here with us now.

      I move on to my back and stretch my arm out. If I concentrate really hard, I can feel her fingers in mine. There they are. The warmth of her palm. She strokes my thumb with her own.

      Oh, Mom, I miss you.

      ‘Come on.’ My dad jumps up suddenly. He tugs at my arm and I stand and we walk hand in hand to the monument at the very top. We step on to the stone base and turn to look down over the land. We’re giants and this is our kingdom.

      The sun is so warm on my face, my arms, my bare legs. Below, there are tiny fields and houses that I could balance on my fingernails.

      Somewhere, Kathleen is the size of an ant. I lift my foot and stretch it out. I see her raise her hands and I smile as I bring the sole of my shoe down hard on her face.

      My dad laughs. ‘What are you doing?’

      I close my eyes as he puts his strong arm round me. It’s just me and him now. Together we can conquer the world.

BEFORE

       four days later

      ‘It’ll only be for one night.’

      ‘But I don’t want you to go.’ Fear grips me. Dad’s never gone and left me in the house with Kathleen and Megan overnight.

      ‘I have to. I have no choice.’ He’s tucking me up in bed and stroking back my hair. He’ll be gone by the time I wake up in the morning and he won’t be back until Friday.

      ‘Can’t I come with you?’ I ask. ‘I’ll be really quiet. They won’t know I’m there.’

      ‘You’ve got school to go to.’

      ‘I could miss it. It’s just two days. And I’ll work really hard to catch up.’

      ‘Pumpkin, you can’t. There’s no way round this. But it’s not for long. And you’ll have a lovely time. Kath has got lots of nice things planned.’

      I go cold all over and turn towards the wall. My head starts to pound and I know I’m going to cry.

      ‘Come on, June, don’t be like this. Some dads have to go away quite a lot. This is the first time I’ve had to do it.’

      But I pull the duvet high over my head.

      I feel the mattress lighten and I know he’s got up. There’s a pressure on my back where he must have put his hand. Then it lifts and I can hear him walking gently across my bedroom floor. The door opens and it clicks closed.

      He’s gone.

      And I didn’t let him kiss me goodbye.

      I know that it’s Ryan pulling my hair. On and on, while Miss Hawthorne sits talking to us. She doesn’t notice. She’s too intent on telling us about the angles of a triangle.

      ‘Oi, Juniper.’ He’s shuffled forward and is whispering in my ear. ‘Caught any fish today?’

      I keep staring to the front. I watch Miss Hawthorne’s mouth move, but I don’t hear many of her words.

      Kathleen didn’t do anything bad this morning. She woke me up and I got dressed. My heart had been knocking against my skin.

      As usual, she’d put the big mound of food out for my breakfast. Muffins and bacon and thick white bread with chocolate spread. Megan had stared at me, as she always does, as she ate her normal bowl of cereal. Sometimes, she looks like she hates me, but at others she seems frightened to even breathe. I looked away from her and kept my eyes down for the whole meal. Waiting.

      But nothing.

      Kathleen had tied my red ribbon in my hair and she gave Megan her kiss goodbye. She told her she loved her, that she was the most special girl in the whole world, and then she’d shut the door behind us.

      Maybe, maybe it’ll be OK.

      We’ll eat our meal tonight and watch TV.

      ‘Your breath stinks of sewage,’ Ryan tells me.

      Miss Hawthorne jumps up. ‘So, if you get into pairs, we can start,’ she says.

      There’s a rush of movement, a frenzy of worry from the other children. Jennifer and I go to a table and sit together.

      ‘Haven’t found anyone, Ryan?’ Miss Hawthorne asks. ‘You can work with me.’ Jennifer pinches my arm and I smile at her. Pink pushes itself on to Ryan’s cheeks and happiness spreads slowly through my bones. He sees how much I’m smiling, but I don’t care.

      Miss Hawthorne hands out the paper, so in our pairs we can begin.

      I’m walking to the lunch hall when I’m grabbed from behind. A hand goes over my mouth and I’m dragged round the corner, my feet kicking on the ground. Other children see, but no one helps me, no one stops them.

      The main restroom door bangs