Seed. Lisa Heathfield

is bleeding?’

      Why is she happy that I might soon die?

      ‘Is there blood in your underwear?’

      As I nod my head, she laughs and wraps her arms around me. I feel the bump of her baby under her skin. It presses against me. Against my stomach, which is bleeding inside.

      Elizabeth steps back and I see that she’s crying. So I’m right – I am dying.

      She kisses her thumb, presses it to her belly and then puts it onto my forehead, onto my chest and then onto my own stomach.

      ‘Are you trying to heal me?’ I whisper. And she smiles.

      ‘You don’t need healing. You’re not dying, Pearl. You are fifteen years old and you’re changing from a child to a woman.’

      Then she’s hugging me again, and her words slowly sink in. So this is what I’ve been waiting for? A bleeding stomach?

      I look at Elizabeth, but she doesn’t seem like she’s mocking me.

      ‘Come on,’ she says, and she takes my hand.

      In the bedroom, she changes my underwear, takes away my old ones which are now heavily lined with a muddy red. I concentrate on the faded yellow wallpaper as she fills my new underwear with a thick, woven slab that makes me waddle like a duck.

      ‘You’ll get used to it.’ She smiles at me so warmly. ‘Now, not a word,’ she says and I follow her out onto the landing. I focus on her long blonde hair as we go down the stairs to the kitchen. In silence, she reaches for the lantern and matches on the shelf, and then we walk out the back door.

      I’d forgotten it was raining and it hits down on us hard, soaking us within seconds. I hear nothing but its drumming on the ground as Elizabeth takes my hand again. She leads me through the herb garden with its high brick walls, where the smells have almost been washed away. She opens the rickety door at the other end and we’re walking through the strawberry field. The plants are heavy with red fruit.

      I feel the slab of linen rubbing my legs as I walk. I imagine the blood dripping onto it. Will I bleed forever now? Will I never be able to walk or run freely again?

      I stumble after Elizabeth, confused about wanting to cry when I have waited so long to be a woman. In the distance, I see the figures in the vegetable patch, where I was less than an hour ago, when I was still a child. I see the shape of Heather, her long brown hair stuck with rain down her back. Then I remember. I’ll be able to grow my hair. Finally, after all these years of waiting, I’ll be able to let my blonde hair grow. I’ll look like Elizabeth, with it flowing over my shoulders and down to my waist.

      I’m filled with happiness. Suddenly the bleeding and the strange, uncomfortable way of walking are absolutely fine, because now I am a woman.

      ‘Elizabeth,’ I say. But the water is falling too loudly for her to hear.

      The sound changes as we head into the woods and the rain hits the leaves far above us.

      ‘Where are we going?’ I ask, but Elizabeth just smiles.

      Finally, we get to the clearing where Papa S’s Worship Chair sits in the middle. It has fresh ivy woven around its frame. Elizabeth walks towards it, and then she’s going too close – she’s walking into the forbidden circle. I look around, but no one is here to see. I look up into the branches, but no Kindreds are hidden there.

      I hold my breath as she reaches for the chair. ‘No, Elizabeth,’ I whisper.

      ‘It is bidden,’ she says quietly, as she starts to lift the chair. I can see that it is heavy, but I can’t help. Papa S sees everything and Elizabeth is in the forbidden circle, touching his Worship Chair.

      She drags it to the side and begins to kick at the thick leaves underneath. Then she’s on her hands and knees, moving the leaves away until I see a large metal hoop. She pulls it, and it opens a small wooden door flat on the ground.

      ‘What are you doing?’ I ask.

      She is not smiling now. ‘I promise you will be OK,’ she says. She takes the matches from her apron, strikes one and lights the lantern.

      And then I understand. I look down into the hole. There are steps that end in blackness. She wants me to go down.

      ‘I want to go back to the house,’ I say. But I don’t move. I don’t run away.

      ‘You must trust me, Pearl.’ Her wet hair still shines so blonde. She holds the lantern in one hand, the other hand resting on her pregnant belly.

      And I know I love her, so I know I must trust her. I step forwards, into the forbidden circle, and start to go cautiously down the steps. Elizabeth follows me and the light from the lantern shows us the way. At the bottom is a tiny room dug into the earth.

      I look at Elizabeth. In the candlelight her cheeks look sunken, her eyes hollow. Is there fear hidden within her?

      ‘I’ve seen it now,’ I say quietly. My voice sounds flat as it catches in the earth. ‘Can I go?’

      ‘We have all done this, Pearl. Every woman at Seed. I promise you will be all right.’

      ‘What do you mean?’

      ‘When you get your first Blessing, when you first start to bleed, you must stay with Nature so that she may give you the gift of a healthy womb,’ she says.

      I don’t understand. I just stare at her in the flickering light.

      ‘You must stay deep in her womb, so your own womb may become fertile.’

      ‘What do you mean, fertile?’

      ‘So that when it is your time, you will be able to have children.’

      ‘I don’t want to be here, Elizabeth.’ My voice cracks as I start to cry. I look at the earth circling me and I’m suddenly filled with terror. Does she want me to stay here?

      She puts the lamp down and wraps her arms around me, her face hidden in the shadows. ‘You know that you must not cry. Your life spirit will leave you and without it, you are nothing.’

      I can smell the sweetness of her vanilla scent. It masks the smell of the blood and the damp earth that is blocking the air.

      ‘It won’t be for long.’

      ‘So you’ll shut the trapdoor?’ The words fall from my mouth.

      Elizabeth steps back and nods. She’s trying to smile.

      ‘But how will I breathe?’

      Elizabeth picks up the lantern and shines it on the bottom of the curved earth walls. Tiny black pipes stick out all around. ‘I have been here, Pearl. It’s all right.’

      ‘It’s not,’ I say, and I start to cry again. ‘I don’t want to stay.’ My voice is getting louder and Elizabeth looks up the steps towards the light above.

      ‘Shh, now. Papa S must not hear you cry. And Nature is hearing every word.’ Then she puts down the lantern once again and turns to go up the steps.

      I can’t move. Something holds me to the ground. I want to run after Elizabeth, pull her back, to escape, but I just watch as she goes up towards the air. The last thing I see is her blonde hair as she quickly lowers the trapdoor. It shuts with a muffled thud.

      Faintly, I can hear Elizabeth scrabbling about with the leaves. Then I hear a dragging of something heavy. She must be pushing the wooden Worship Chair back over the top.

      Every part of me wants to scream. Every nerve, every cell, wants to run up the steps and bang on that wooden door and scream until my lungs burn. But I don’t. I know that Nature is watching me. And Papa S will know.

      So I stand and stare at the flickering earth walls, with their overwhelming dank smell. I stand and stare at the mud above me and around me and under me. I stand and listen to the sound of my own breathing.

      Surely