Barry Loser and the trouble with pets. Jim Smith

      ‘Ooh, Banana Moon - that’s my gran’s favourite!’ squawked Sharonella, and she twizzled round on the spot, looking for someone to have a smoochy jiggle with.

      I stepped backwards a millimetre, remembering how she’d fluttered her eyelashes at me earlier. ‘Let’s get the keelness out of here,’ I cried, grabbing Bunky and Nancy and zooming off the dance floor.

The snack table

      ‘Hide!’ I whispered, zig-zagging over to the huge triangle of Cherry Fronkle cans, which by the way was right next to the emergency exit.

      ‘Hey!’ shouted Bunky, skidding to a stop. ‘I was enjoying that song.’ He looked back at the dance floor where Anton was still doing his loserish robot dance.

      ‘What are you, crazy?’ I said, ducking behind the cans. ‘You wanna end up dancing with a GIRL?’

      ‘Or even worse - a BOY!’ said Nancy, pretending to puke all over my trainers.

      Gordon Smugly, who’s the smuggest, ugliest person in our class, wandered up to us.

      ‘It’s dangerous out there,’ he said, plucking a salt and vinegar crisp out of a ginormous bowl and slotting it into his annoying mouth. ‘I had to get off the dance floor before Sharonella pounced on me.’

      ‘Oh please,’ said Nancy. ‘Even Shazza’s not that desperate.’

      Stuart Shmendrix, who’s sort of like Gordon’s sidekick, trundled over all sweatily. ‘Phew, that was close,’ he said, grabbing a Cherry Fronkle. ‘Did you see the way Fay Snoggles was staring at my bum?’

      ‘Listen to you losers!’ chuckled Bunky. ‘What are you afraid of ?’ And he bopped back on to the dance floor.

      ‘Be careful, Bunky!’ I cried, but it was too late, he was gone.

Invisible lasso

      Stuart cracked his Fronkle open and me, him, Nancy and Gordon watched all loserishly as Bunky waggled his legs around on the dance floor.

      Sharonella and Fay were circling him like cats about to pounce on a very stupid, bum-wiggling mouse.

      I rested my hand on the lever that opens the emergency exit door, getting ready to escape if Shazza spotted me. ‘Poor old Bunkster,’ I said. ‘Silly doggy doesn’t know how much trouble he’s in.’

      Bunky’s sort of like my human pet dog, in case that last bit sounded weird.

      Just then, Darren Darrenofski from our class wobbled out of the boys’ toilets. He was doing his flies up while holding a Fronkle at the same time, which isn’t an easy thing to do.

      ‘Darren!’ whisper-shouted Stuart. ‘Get over here before the girls spot you.’

      But Frankie Teacup was singing too loud for Darren to hear.

      ‘Hey, what’s Shazza doing?’ said Nancy, and I spotted her on the dance floor, swinging an invisible lasso around in the air like she was a cowgirl.

      ‘That’s a funny old dance move isn’t it,’ I said, sounding like a bit of a granny, and I treated myself to a cheese and onion crisp for being so loserish.

      ‘The woman’s gone completely stark raving bonkers,’ said Gordon, not that I was listening to him.

      I was too busy spotting one of Nancy’s trainers.

What Nancy’s trainer was doing

      ‘What in the name of unkeelness?’ I gasped, staring at Nancy’s left foot. ‘Your trainer - it’s . . . tapping to the music!’

      ‘Careful Nance,’ chuckled Gordon. ‘You’ll be dancing with Mildew next.’

      Nancy rolled her eyes. ‘As if, Smugly,’ she said, and I tried to spot Bunky on the dance floor, but he’d disappeared behind a cloud of purple smoke.

      Over on the other side of the room, Darren finished zipping his flies and looked up. Suddenly he froze - Sharonella was staring straight at him.

      ‘You’re mine, Darrenofski!’ she screeched over the top of Banana Moon, lassoing her invisible rope around his neck and starting to pretend-pull him towards her.

      Darren started to edge backwards. He dropped his Fronkle can and a pink fizzy puddle spread out underneath his trainers.

      ‘Man down!’ cried Stuart, watching as Darren’s trotter slipped in the Fronkle.

      He flapped his hands like a pig trying to fly and Sharonella whipped behind him, catching him in her arms.

      A nose poked out of a purple cloud and Anton appeared at our table.

      ‘May I have the pleasure of this boogie?’ he said in his normal, loserish voice, and he shot his robot hand out to Nancy.

      I peered down at Nancy’s tapping foot, then up to her smiling face.

      ‘Oh why the keelness not!’ she said, grabbing Anton’s hand and swooshing on to the dance floor.

      ‘Nancy!’ I cried, not that there was time for that - Fay was too busy zig-zagging up to my other best friend.

      ‘Bunky!’ I shouted. ‘Watch out, Snoggles is coming to get you!’

      But Bunky just ignored me and started dancing with her.

Monday morning

      You know how in TV shows they just cut to a few days later?

      That’s what happened next - suddenly it was Monday morning and I was walking into my classroom at school.

      ‘Oh my days, how brillz was that disco, Fay?’ squawked Sharonella’s voice, and I looked over to where her and Fay Snoggles