Always a Mother. Linda Warren

away from the crowd. People were making the most of the last weekend before school started. Public schools, that is. College started the following Monday.

      The afternoon sun heated her skin and her thoughts.

      She was pregnant for the third time, at age forty-three.

      All sorts of emotions engulfed her—denial, anger, confusion, defiance, anxiety and fear. How could she accept this? How could she not? She ran her hands up her arms as a feeling of déjà vu came over her.

      At eighteen, she’d been frightened and worried. Being older didn’t change those feelings, except she was angry with herself because she knew better than to act so recklessly. She was angry with Dean, too.

      The June trip to Cancun had been a celebration of Sami getting her master’s in education, their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary and of finally getting out of debt. They were happy, and had enjoyed their time with the girls. Claire had forgotten to pack her diaphragm so Dean had bought condoms. They’d laughed about it, feeling young. Evidently it hadn’t worked—as it hadn’t twenty-five years ago.

      The heat became unbearable so she strolled back to the house, where the air-conditioning cooled her heated emotions. After getting bottled water out of the refrigerator, she went into the bedroom and fished the letters out of her bag. Curling up on the sofa, she untied the worn ribbon and felt as if she was opening a part of her soul.

      For a moment she just stared at the letters and wondered why they were so important to her. Every time she and Dean had moved, she’d tucked the letters in a safe spot.

      Why?

      She wasn’t sure. Maybe it was because they depicted her dedication, her love and her accomplishments as a woman, as a wife and as a mother. Or maybe deep down she knew one day she would need them for guidance and inspiration.

      For twenty-five years she’d tried to be the perfect wife and mother. When Sami started school, Claire became a teacher’s aide so she would be close in case the girls needed her. The family had also needed the money.

      When she was growing up, her father had wanted her to follow in his footsteps and become a lawyer. That plan was derailed when she became pregnant in high school. But as Claire worked in the school system, her goal had changed. She loved working with kids, mostly the young ones, whose minds were waiting to unfurl with just the right incentives and the guidance of a caring teacher.

      As those thoughts ran through her mind, Claire realized she’d forgotten about plans with two friends, Nita and Joan, for tomorrow. They were going to a spa for the works, to celebrate Claire’s return to college full-time. Then they were meeting the guys for dinner.

      She reached for her cell, but just fiddled with it, unsure of what to say. “Guess what? I’m pregnant.” Even though her friends would understand, she wasn’t up to saying those words yet. When she was stronger, she’d call and cancel.

      So many times she’d tried to go to college to get her degree, so she could teach instead of being an aide, but life’s crises kept getting in the way. Now that their youngest daughter had graduated, Claire was ready to embark on her own career, fulfill her dream.

      But now…

      She slipped a finger beneath the flap of an envelope. What had her life been about? What had kept her from getting her degree before now? As she unfolded a letter, her body trembled with old fears. Each page was filled with I love you’s and plans for the future. Wonderful plans that only a teenager could believe.

      Jan 9, 1983

      My darling Dean,

      I haven’t seen you in two days and I feel alone, so I close my eyes and I can see you. Your dark hair curls into your collar and I remember the texture, the feel of it against my fingers. And I see your smile, that lazy grin that makes me warm all over. But your eyes are what comfort me. Those soft, caring blue eyes that tease me, tempt me and make me a little crazy. I love you so much…

      In a trancelike state, she glanced through the floor-to-ceiling windows to the view of the lake. Her parents had forbidden her to see Dean. He wasn’t the type of boy she should be dating. His mother was a waitress and not up to the Thornton standards for friends and acquaintances. Dean had no future. He was a football jock who would be washed up before his time. Claire deserved better, her father had said, and though she might not agree then, she would thank him later.

      As a teenager, those words hadn’t meant much to her. All she knew was how Dean made her feel. Ever since third grade she thought he was wonderful, even when he untied her bows. In junior high they’d become an item, and that had never changed all through high school.

      They couldn’t date, but found ways to be together, especially after they started driving. Most of the time they talked, laughed and made out like other teenagers. In their senior year their emotions became heated and they gave in to temptation.

      The first time was in Dean’s car after a dance. Claire cried and so did he, but it had been the most beautiful experience of her life. She and Dean were now part of each other and nothing could keep them apart.

      In the weeks that followed they stole moments after football games, met in the park, after school and on weekends at their secret place—Dean’s house while his mother worked. It didn’t matter that they were sneaking around. They were together, that was all that was important. Until…

      She’d missed her period and she was nervous. They’d been so careful. Another week and she knew she had to tell Dean.

      March 10, 1983

      CLAIRE HUNG AROUND the gym, trying not to bite her nails as she waited for basketball practice to end and then waited again while Dean showered and changed clothes. He came out of the locker room smiling, and all she wanted to do was kiss him.

      “Hey. I didn’t expect to see you tonight,” he said, walking toward her with his easy swagger in his letterman jacket and jeans.

      “I have to talk to you.” She couldn’t keep the panic out of her voice.

      He took her arm and led her out of the gym to the parking lot. “What is it? Did your parents find out?”

      She shook her head.

      A couple of guys from the team came out and waved to them.

      Dean pulled her close to his side. His masculine scent mingling with fresh soap did a number on her senses. “Well, then, everything’s okay. Let’s go some place where it’s quieter.”

      With self-control she pushed away. “No. We’ve done too much of that.”

      He frowned. “What? Make love?”

      “Yes.” She looked directly at him in the glow of the parking lot lights.

      “Claire.” He tried to take her in his arms and she stepped back.

      “I’m pregnant.”

      There was total silence. A car honked and a girl’s laughter carried on the wind.

      He frowned. “What?”

      “I missed my period and I know I’m pregnant. What are we going to do?”

      “But how? We’ve used protection every time, and it’s been hell getting condoms. Jarrod’s older brother buys them and he charges me double. But at least I don’t have to go into a store to get them.”

      “Evidently sometimes condoms don’t work.”

      “God.” He ran a hand through his hair. “This can’t be happening.”

      “I know. We had it all planned. You’re going to the University of Texas on a football scholarship and I’m enrolling there, too. We were finally going to be together without sneaking around.”

      He sucked in a deep breath. “Okay. We’re both eighteen, so we’ll get married and continue with our plans.”

      “On what? When my parents