Loving Leah. Nikki Benjamin

entire summer without pitching a fit.

      “Are you sure?” she asked, interrupting his train of thought.

      “About what?” he shot back, afraid he’d missed something important she might have said.

      “The chicken.”

      “Oh, yeah, it’s fine, just like I said. More than fine. It’s really very, very good. Why?”

      “You had a funny look on your face, that’s all,” she replied.

      “It had nothing to do with the chicken or anything else important,” he assured her, desperate to ward off any further questions concerning his current state of mind. “You’re really quite an excellent cook, Leah.”

      “I like to experiment in the kitchen.” She gave an offhand shrug, then added, “It would have tasted even better if you’d joined us for dinner, though. That particular dish is always best hot out of the oven. You do know you’re welcome to join us, don’t you?”

      “Yes, of course. It is my house.” Again he used an unnecessarily gruff tone of voice, but again, Leah didn’t appear even the slightest bit fazed by it.

      “Thanks for all your help with the yard work today, too. It meant a lot to Gracie having you here, and to me,” she acknowledged lightly, adding the last almost as an afterthought. “I don’t mind weeding beds and planting flowers, but I truly hate pushing a lawn mower.”

      “But you would have done it, wouldn’t you.”

      “If I’d had to, yes. Anything to keep from being way-laid by another of your neighbors.” She smiled slightly, then added, “You know, John, they’ve been concerned about you. I mean you, personally, not just the condition of your yard.”

      “I can’t imagine why. I’m fine.”

      He picked up his empty plate and stood, anxious to avoid any further discussion of what he considered his personal business. He wasn’t about to open that door to Leah. Revelations might spill out that wouldn’t do either of them any good.

      “You bury yourself in your work at the university, you spend hardly any time at all with a daughter who loves you and needs you, you treat me like an enemy when we were once the best of friends…” She stopped to take a breath.

      “Not tonight, Leah. Don’t start on me tonight,” he said, more tired than angry as he set his plate in the sink, then braced his hands on the counter, his back to her.

      He felt the warm, gentle, tentative and totally unexpected touch of her hand on his shoulder at the same instant her voice sounded right behind him. “John, please don’t keep pushing me away. I can only imagine the pain you’ve suffered since Caro’s death. I’ve grieved for her, too, and I always will. But surely you know that she wouldn’t have wanted you to stop living yourself just because she’s gone. Caro wasn’t like that. Caro would have expected you to put the pieces of your life back together again, not only for your sake, but for Gracie’s. Caro would have wanted—”

      Unable to contain himself any longer, John spun around and grabbed Leah by her upper arms. His intent had been to give her a good shake just to shut her up, but as he towered over her, he made the mistake of meeting her gaze. The vulnerability in her wide, green eyes cut through him like a knife, slicing away the protective layer of anger and frustration inside him and laying bare a longing so deep and so complete it sent a tremor through his body.

      His grip on her arms loosened, and his hands slid up to her shoulders. He began to pull her closer, and she came willingly at his urging, resting her hands on his chest. Then the realization of what he was about to do hit him like a wave of icy water, dousing completely the newly kindled flame of his desire.

      “You have no idea what Caro wanted, Leah, no idea at all,” he growled, the sudden sense of overwhelming weariness that gripped him echoing in his voice. “And any pain I’ve suffered since her death I’ve deserved. Not that it’s your business one way or another. As for Gracie, I admit I haven’t been available for her the way I should have over the past few months. But I’m more than able, not to mention more than willing, to take care of her on my own now.”

      “Then maybe I should leave,” Leah said softly. “Especially if you’re staying away from the house because I’m here.”

      For one long moment John couldn’t quite believe he’d heard her right. Instead of snapping back at him angrily or prodding him patiently for an explanation as he’d fully expected she would, she had calmly, quietly, given in to what he wanted. Only it wasn’t what he wanted, not really.

      He had Gracie’s well-being to take into consideration, too. Having Leah in their home had been so obviously good for the little girl. That alone was enough to negate any annoyance, large or small, Leah caused him personally.

      Yeah, sure, she was annoying the hell out of him, John thought, still looking into her eyes, still savoring the warmth of her hands resting delicately on his chest. Next thing he knew, he’d be telling himself he didn’t want to pull her into an embrace and kiss her senseless—

      Letting go of Leah as suddenly as he’d grabbed her, John brushed past her and strode purposefully across the kitchen toward the doorway to the front hall.

      “There’s no need for you to leave unless you want to,” he said. “Gracie likes having you here, and as long as she’s happy with the arrangement, then so am I.”

      “My sentiments exactly,” Leah replied, the barest hint of anger in her tone.

      It was almost as if she knew instinctively that he wanted her there with them, as well, and considered him a coward for not saying so. Or maybe he was just projecting his own thoughts regarding his faintheartedness onto her.

      “Then we’re in agreement that you’ll stay for the summer?” He paused in the doorway and glanced back at her, aware that he was holding his breath as he waited for her to answer him.

      “Only if you start spending more time with Gracie. You do have teaching assistants to help with your project at the university lab, and you are entitled to some vacation time.”

      “I am planning on being more available,” he said.

      “Then, yes, we’re in agreement. I’ll stay for the summer.”

      “Fine,” he muttered, and with a curt nod that totally belied the sense of relief zinging through him, John turned away again. He walked slowly through the dark house to the staircase, then up to his bedroom, stopping first to check on Gracie.

      Snuggled cozily under her quilt, the little girl was sound asleep. Standing just inside her bedroom doorway, he gazed at her with the same sense of wonder and joy that she’d stirred in him the day she’d been born. How happy he’d been then to welcome this child into his life, and how happy he would always be to have her as his precious daughter. Despite the bitter, angry words Caro had hurled at him the night she died, that would never change.

      His marriage might have been a lie, his family not really, truly his in the way he’d believed it to be, but he loved Gracie no less. She was the light of his life.

      Gracie was also the one who’d brought Leah back into his life. And the one who would keep her there at least a little while longer, and for that, John was more grateful than he could say.