Skulduggery Pleasant: Books 4 - 6. Derek Landy

she in any danger?”

      He started searching drawers. “Not really. Both tubes contain mineral water. You’d be astonished how many times I’ve given her water and told her it was something else and not to drink it. She always drinks it though. Always. It’s a compulsion.” He showed them a huge uneven bowl that looked like it was made in an idiot’s pottery class. “She made this for me, as a token of her appreciation for employing her when nobody else would.”

      “It’s nice,” Valkyrie lied. “Colourful.”

      “It was meant to be a mug,” Kenspeckle told her. “How big does she think my mouth is? I could fit my whole head in there, for God’s sake. It doesn’t even have a handle. And look at this.” He put the bowl on the table and it tilted drastically. “It’s so off balance it’s in danger of falling off a flat surface.”

      He poured various liquids and powders into the bowl and checked his watch.

      Valkyrie frowned. “Are you going out?” she asked.

      Kenspeckle started stirring. The bowl rocked rhythmically. “I am.”

      “You’re all dressed up. You never get dressed up. Are you…? Do you have a date?”

      “Why do you sound so surprised? Because I’m old, is that it? Because I’m an old man and old people shouldn’t go out on dates? Because we don’t need love or companionship, and we don’t get lonely? Is that it? Is that why you’re so surprised I have a date?”

      “No,” she said. “It’s because you’re really grumpy.”

      “Ah. Yes. I am rather grumpy. But what can I say? Some women like that.”

      “What women?”

      “Women with low expectations.”

      “So you have a date now? It’s not even lunchtime. Where are you going?”

      “Bingo.”

      “Bingo?”

      “Bingo. Everyone’s playing it apparently.” He motioned Valkyrie over and nodded to the bowl, which was now full of brown sludge. “Put your hand in,” he said.

      She did so. It was cold and gritty sludge.

      “Keep it there for three or four minutes, until the tingling stops. Do not flex your fingers, do you hear me? Once you’re done, wash your hand in the sink. And wash it well – I don’t want you ruining the towel. There will be some mild bruising, but by this afternoon you won’t even know it was broken.”

      “You’re going?”

      “I have a date, Valkyrie.”

      “Right. Yes. Sorry. You go on, I’ll be fine.”

      “Your medical opinion means so much to me, you have no idea. Detective Pleasant, please make sure she doesn’t break anything else while she’s standing there.”

      “I’ll do my best.”

      “That’s all I can ask.”

      He bowed to them both and swept from the room.

      “He’s in a good mood,” she said.

      “He is,” Skulduggery agreed. “It’s disconcerting.”

      “And a little gross.”

      “That too.”

      Her phone rang and she answered with her free hand. It was Fletcher. She told him where they were and Fletcher said he was going to get Tanith. A minute later Fletcher and Tanith appeared beside them.

      Tanith arched an eyebrow at Valkyrie’s sludge-covered hand that she was washing in the sink. “What happened?”

      “Vampires,” Valkyrie said. “We learned that Dusk’s lair is a castle.”

      “How did you do?” Skulduggery asked.

      “I couldn’t find Remus Crux anywhere near Haggard,” Tanith told them, “and none of the seals had been broken, so he hasn’t been trying to break through.”

      “Myself and Ghastly went looking for friends of Sanguine,” said Fletcher. “Turns out he doesn’t have any. Can’t say I’m surprised.”

      “So our only lead is a castle,” Skulduggery said. “Well, at least it is a lead.”

      Then they heard Clarabelle shouting for help. She ran in.

      “They’ve taken the Professor!” she cried.

      Valkyrie and Tanith gripped Fletcher’s arms and Skulduggery put a hand on his shoulder.

      “Outside, Fletcher,” he said and then they were standing in the rain beside the Bentley as Billy-Ray Sanguine threw Kenspeckle into the back of his car.

      Something moved overhead and Skulduggery grunted and went flying over the bonnet of the Bentley. A man landed in front of them and immediately flipped, catching Tanith with a kick that sent her crashing back into Fletcher.

      Springheeled Jack whirled to Valkyrie, smiling. He doffed his hat and leaped backwards when she pushed at the air. He dropped on to the top of Sanguine’s car and slid in through the open window, and the car sped out of sight.

      The Bentley beeped as the alarm deactivated and the locks sprang open. Fletcher and Tanith got in the back seat and Valkyrie clicked her seatbelt into place. Skulduggery turned the key and stomped on the accelerator. The Bentley roared out on to the road.

      They followed Sanguine’s car round the corner, swerving to avoid an oncoming van. The roads were slick with rain and the back of the Bentley swung wildly, but Skulduggery kept it under control. They overtook a car on the inside and then overtook another by crossing to the opposite lane. Half a dozen drivers blasted their horns as Skulduggery nudged the Bentley back into their own lane, and now there was nothing between them and Sanguine except a whole lot of road.

      “Fletcher,” Skulduggery said, “can you teleport over? Grab the Professor?”

      Fletcher stared at the car in front, gripping the headrest of Valkyrie’s seat.

      “It’s moving too fast,” he said. “A moving target’s too hard.”

      The speed piled on. Valkyrie never had any idea that the Bentley could go this fast. They were gaining and they were gaining easily.

      The car in front took a right and took it hard. The tyres squealed as the car drifted sideways, but Sanguine was good and with a sudden burst of speed it leaped onward.

      Skulduggery turned the wheel and tapped the brake, his hand working the gear stick, and the Bentley growled in appreciation. He straightened the car out and brought it to a roar again and Valkyrie felt herself being pressed back into her seat. The streets whipped by. She saw Springheeled Jack open the passenger door of the car in front and move out slightly. He looked down at the road passing beneath him, like he was judging their speed.

      Fletcher leaned forward. “What the hell’s he doing? He’s not going to jump, is he?”

      But he didn’t jump. Defying all laws of inertia and velocity, Jack planted his foot on the ground and simply stepped out, and now he was standing on the road as they hurtled towards him.

      “This is not good,” Skulduggery murmured.

      Jack leaped before the Bentley hit him, landing on the bonnet without even swaying. He looked down at them, his ragged coat flapping in the wind and his hat staying on.

      “If there is one thing I cannot abide,” Skulduggery said, pointing his gun out of the window, “it’s hood ornaments.”

      Before he could fire, Jack stepped up on to the roof.

      “I’ve got him,” Tanith said, handing her sword to Fletcher and opening the window. Moving with unerring grace,