The Australian Affairs Collection. Margaret Way

Ethan’s arms, Alina sat up, curbing the impulse to stroke his stubbled jaw. With his long dark lashes and tanned muscular body, plus a secret smile as if he were dreaming of hidden delights, he created a magazine picture that would have women lining up to buy it.

      His brand-new gold ring caught her eye. She glanced down at hers, bright and shiny, a symbol of hope. She was married. Tendrils of the past crept into her head, were dismissed immediately. The future was unknown, not to be thought about. The now...

      Her skin tingled. Lifting her head, she met Ethan’s wide-awake gaze and sensual smile.

      ‘I was looking forward to waking you with a kiss, Mrs James.’ Husky. Thick.

      ‘From your expression, whatever you were dreaming must have been better,’ she teased.

      A second later, she was flat on her back, drowning in dark cobalt contemplation.

      ‘Nothing could be better than kissing my wife good morning.’

      Appropriate action swiftly followed his declaration. She closed her mind, and surrendered to the ardour of his skilful lips. Everything was changing. Every day the fine line between role-playing and reality became more blurred. No longer a solitary entity, she was once again joined with someone.

      ‘I meant to wake earlier. We have a full day in front of us, Alina.’

      His rough inflections as he gulped air while trying to talk amused and thrilled her.

      ‘Then you’d better let me go.’ Teasing, half hoping he wouldn’t.

      He braced himself on his arms, blue eyes gleaming with suppressed delight. ‘Ultrasound, then lunch. Okay?’

      She nodded, not quite sure where he was going with this.

      ‘After that my visit to tell my parents we are married will take a couple of hours. Which gives you plenty of time to pack. I’ve booked a holiday house in the Blue Mountains until Sunday.’ He grinned like a magician who’d pulled off an amazing trick.

      If an open mouth and wide eyes was the reaction he’d hoped for, he got it. Alina’s heart pounded as she realised that their recent discussion on Australian tourist spots had been him info-gathering. He’d taken note of the places she’d never been to, ensuring his plans didn’t clash with her memories. Another chink in her armour widened.

      ‘Just the two of us, alone in the Blue Mountains. Time to get to know each other better without any distractions.’

      ‘What about work?’ He’d be getting calls all day.

      ‘All fixed. Emergencies only.’

      * * *

      The pavements were crowded. Alina stared through the tinted glass at people living normal lives, fiddled with her two rings. It wasn’t nerves. Heck, she’d been through this procedure three times. Truth was, she was scared she might begin to care for the life inside her once she’d seen an active image on the screen. Feared she wouldn’t. She wasn’t sure which would be worse.

      ‘Try to relax, Alina.’ Ethan covered her restless hands with his. ‘With new technology the imagery will be enhanced.’

      So they’d see everything more clearly. She’d prefer vague and fuzzy.

      ‘This was meant to be a happy time...the three of us were supposed to be together at every stage.’ Her voice cracked. She bit her lip, refusing to cry.

      ‘Now you only have me,’ he remarked wryly. ‘A poor substitute, but I’ll do my best.’

      Hearing the sorrow in his voice, she felt contrite. They were both in need of comfort.

      ‘I wish I could talk about them without being torn apart. About the way Leon’s face lit up when he saw the blue lines, their laughter when he picked Louise up and spun her round... It hurts that their happiness only lasted a few weeks.’

      ‘Happiness you gave them. For that alone I’ll always be in your debt.’

      He let go of her hands, hugged her so close she felt his ragged breath rumble up his chest. She thanked her lucky stars—not that there’d been much evidence that she had any—that she’d made the decision to come to him earlier rather than wait until after the birth.

      * * *

      A short time later Alina lay on the examination table, gripping Ethan’s hand, staring at the blank monitor. He brushed his lips across her cheek.

      ‘Our baby, Alina. An individual person.’ His compelling dark eyes held her spellbound. ‘Created by Leon, Louise and you. Unique in its own right.’

      The technician breezed in, all smiles and goodwill. Showing soon-to-be parents images of their babies must be one of the best jobs ever.

      ‘Hi. Alina and Ethan James, right? I’m Gary.’ He grinned as he sat on the stool, checking her chart. ‘Ready for some hi-tech wonder. Tuck your top up and brace yourself. Maybe one day they’ll develop a lotion we can apply warm.’

      He squeezed the cold gel onto her abdomen, causing her to wince and screw up her nose. Making Ethan laugh.

      ‘Same reaction from all the dads,’ Gary mused. ‘Funnily enough they always refuse the offer to try it. Now, do you want to know the sex?’

      ‘No!’

      Two voices in unison. Their eyes met: hers grateful, his in accord.

      ‘Thanks for asking,’ Ethan added, his thumb moving reassuringly over her knuckles. ‘We’d like to be surprised in October.’

      ‘Lots of people still would, myself included.’ He noted their refusal.

      Alina watched avidly as images formed on the screen. Goosebumps peaked on her skin as she made out a moving shadowy form floating on a black background. From the dark recesses of her mind voices begged her to shut her eyes. She didn’t.

      The picture became clearer, the image bigger, as Gary manipulated the mouse, mouthing quiet satisfactory grunts as he worked.

      ‘Okay, we have two arms, two legs, good proportion of head to body. Right size for fourteen weeks...’ He jiggled something, the clarity increased, and then the cursor pointed to a tiny pulsating blob. ‘There—can you see?—your baby’s good, strong heartbeat.’

      Her breath caught in her throat. Tears for her friends who would never experience this wonder filled her eyes.

      A strangled gasp resonated at her side.

      She swung her head and her own heartbeat stilled. Ethan’s lips were parted, his eyes big and glowing with amazement. His body leant forward as far as the table permitted. His rapt expression rebooted her heartbeat into aching double time. A lifetime ago she’d seen the same wonder on another face.

      She watched his Adam’s apple bounce as he tried to swallow, heard his deep indrawn breath and emotional gruff tone.

      ‘Our baby. Gives a whole new meaning to the word “daddy”, doesn’t it?’

      ‘This is the moment it all becomes real,’ replied the technician.

      ‘Oh, yeah.’ Ethan’s smile could have lit up the city and then some. ‘Thank you, Alina.’

      His misty eyes chipped at her defences. His next words, whispered by her ear, tugged at her heart.

      ‘Thank you for allowing me to be part of this incredible experience.’

      She wiped a tear from his cheek and let her fingers rest on his skin. ‘It’s amazing, isn’t it? I know the baby’s there. I can see it moving. Yet I can’t feel anything.’

      Her brain wouldn’t be forced into accepting ‘our’ or ‘my’. That was the plan. No caring. No bonding. The right to return to her solitary life with no past, only an uncertain future. The day she’d flown to Australia she’d had no doubts it was the best possible outcome.

      Since