Once and Again. Brenda Harlen

parking lot, she was filled with them.

      Mostly she regretted that she hadn’t chosen another gift.

      But she knew less than nothing about the interests of a seven-year-old boy, and when she’d heard Caleb had been admiring a certain bicycle in the front window of Beckett’s Sporting Goods store, it had seemed the easy answer.

      She’d never anticipated that her gift might bring tragedy to her best friend’s family.

      Stepping out of her BMW, she heard the chime of bells in the distance, summoning parishioners to worship. Holy Trinity, she guessed, on the corner of the next block. Which meant it was almost eleven-thirty.

      She glanced at her watch.

      Some things never changed.

      And some, of course, did.

      She hurried up the concrete sidewalk toward the sliding glass doors at the main entrance and wondered if she’d recognize Caleb when she saw him. She tried to recall the details of the most recent photos Kristin had sent, but in her mind, he was still the chubby-cheeked toddler on unsteady legs she’d met on her last visit home. That was the picture that came to mind, the mental image that refused to fade.

      He’d been such a beautiful child, with Kristin’s soft blond curls and sparkling blue eyes, and—even at ten months—a devilish grin. And when he’d crawled into her lap to lay his head on her shoulder, rubbing his weary eyes with his dimpled little fists, Jessica’s heart had simply melted.

      Until that moment, she hadn’t let herself think too much about all that she’d lost or the opportunities she would never have. Instead, she’d focused almost exclusively on her career, working upwards of eighty hours a week as a corporate attorney at Dawson, Murray & Neale. She’d earned the designer wardrobe, the expensive sports car and the executive condo overlooking Central Park. And yet, the moment she’d wrapped her arms around her best friend’s youngest child, she’d realized how empty her life was.

      Six months later, determined to fill the void, she’d married Steve Garrison, another lawyer at the firm. Although they both had ambitions of making partner, she’d been happy to focus her immediate attention on the family they both wanted. But despite their best efforts, Jess had been unable to conceive. Three childless years later, Steve—now a partner—had walked out, leaving her with only client files and time sheets to keep her company during the long nights made lonelier by the acceptance that she would never hold a child of her own in her arms.

      But Jess didn’t let herself dwell on that now. She was here to support Kristin and Brian, to help ease their grief—and her own guilt.

      She’d always envied Kristin and Brian—the forever kind of love they shared, the family they’d made. Even back in high school, everyone had known they would end up together. The football star and the head cheerleader, they’d been perfect for one another, perfect together.

      Yes, Jess had envied them.

      But not now.

      After a quick stop at the information desk to inquire about Caleb’s room number, she made her way down the main corridor, the heels of her shoes clicking a staccato rhythm on the granite tile. She passed a couple of nurses hurrying in the opposite direction and noted that instead of the usual mint green hospital scrubs, they both wore blue pants and tunics covered with teddy bears. Obviously the attire was intended to appeal to the children who were patients here, but it seemed to Jess patently unfair that there needed to be an entire wing of the hospital devoted to children’s illnesses and injuries.

      She felt the sting of tears as she thought of Caleb, and the sharper pang of regret that hadn’t subsided since she’d learned of his accident.

      Guilt and grief weren’t new emotions to Jess. They were the reason—or at least one of the reasons—she’d been absent from this town for so long.

      She turned the corner toward the bank of elevators and came face-to-face with another of the reasons she’d stayed away: Nick.

      Throughout most of the three-hour drive, Jess had been preoccupied with thoughts of Caleb and Kristin and Brian. Even so, in the back of her mind, she’d known it was inevitable that she’d run into Nick. But she’d thought she’d have time to prepare for their eventual meeting, time to plan how she’d handle the situation, time to prepare herself for the inevitable battering of her heart.

      But there had been no time, no planning, no preparation. He was suddenly just there. Standing in front of the elevator, as devastatingly handsome as she remembered.

      Oh, there were subtle signs of the passing of time: a few strands of silver mixed in with the blond hair at his temples, the fanning of lines from the corner of his eyes. But his eyes were the same dreamy shade of blue, the line of his jaw still square and strong, the curve of his lips still boyishly charming.

      Except that when he glanced up at her, those dreamy eyes were as cold as shards of ice and the curve of his lips thinned into a disapproving line.

      Jessica straightened her spine, held her head up. She didn’t need or want anyone’s approval—least of all Nick Armstrong’s.

      After years of being friends and a brief interlude as lovers, their lives had taken them in decidedly different directions. Or maybe they’d deliberately set off in those directions, putting as much time and distance as possible between them, as if doing so could leave the heartbreak behind.

      It hadn’t worked.

      At least not for Jessica.

      But she’d gone on, she’d endured. She’d built a life for herself, a career she was proud of. And yet, with one scathing look, he’d managed to strip away all sense of accomplishment, leaving her empty and aching, yearning for something that had never really been, could never be again.

      But she’d be damned before she’d let him know it.

      “Hello, Nick.” She was pleased that when she spoke, her voice was coolly neutral.

      He punched the already illuminated elevator call button. “What are you doing here, Jessica?”

      She twisted the strap of her purse around her hand. “I came to see Caleb. And Kristin.”

      “Well, you should have saved yourself the trip,” Nick said coldly. “Kristin doesn’t need you here.”

      “I want to help.”

      “She has her family if she needs anything. Me, Brian, and Jake and Katie.”

      “I can help with Jake and Katie. I can get them ready for school and—”

      He laughed, shortly, derisively. “They’re teenagers,” he told her. “They don’t need any help getting dressed in the morning. They can make their own breakfast if they want it. And they know how to tell time to be outside waiting when the bus comes.”

      His scornful dismissal was another well-aimed blow, but Jessica wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of acknowledging it. She tilted her chin. “I’m not going to leave.”

      The elevator signaled its arrival.

      Nick stepped through the open doors. “Yes, you will.”

      It wasn’t just the words, but the smug arrogance of his tone. She resented the accusation. More, she resented the truth in it. Her fingers gripped her purse strap tighter as she followed him into the car, moving to the opposite side.

      “I have a life in New York,” she reminded him coolly. “Am I supposed to apologize for that?”

      “No.” He punched the button for the fourth floor. “So long as you go back to it.”

      Jessica swallowed around the uncomfortable tightness in her throat. Dammit, she hadn’t come here for this. She didn’t need his antagonism, but maybe she deserved it. Maybe it was finally time to clear the air between them.

      “Why does it matter to you, Nick? Why do you care whether I’m here or there or on