A Daughter’s Sorrow. Cathy Sharp

…’ I whispered as I saw her at the door. ‘Don’t go …’

      Either she didn’t hear me or she was too angry to listen as she left the house and banged the door after her with a vengeance. I ran down the rest of the stairs as quickly as I could, forgetting to avoid the creaks in my hurry which brought Mam to the door of the kitchen.

      ‘And where do you think you’re going at this time of night? Off down the docks to be a whore like your slut of a sister, I suppose?’

      ‘I’m going after Lainie. You can’t throw her out, Mam. It isn’t fair!’

      ‘I’ll give you the back of me hand, girl!’ She started forward purposefully but I took a deep breath and dodged past her, knowing that I was risking retribution later. Lainie had to come back, it would be unbearable at home without her. Besides, where would she go at this time of night?

      When I reached the street, I saw that she was almost at the end of the lane and I called to her desperately, running to catch up with her. She looked back reluctantly, then slowed her footsteps and finally waited for me at the top of the lane.

      ‘What do you want?’

      ‘You’re not really going to leave us, are you? I can’t bear it if you go, Lainie – I can’t!’

      The note of desperation in my voice must have got through to her, because her sulky expression suddenly disappeared as she said, ‘Sure, it’s not the end of the world, Bridget darlin’. I’ll only be living a few streets away, leastwise until Hans’ ship gets back. After that, I don’t know where I’ll be – but I’ll be seeing you before then. You can come to me if you want me. If I stay here Mam will kill me – or I’ll do for her. I’m best out of the way. You know it’s true, in your heart.’

      ‘But we’ll miss you – Tommy and me. You know Jamie can’t stand to be around her …’

      Jamie, our elder brother, was going on twenty and seldom in the house. Mam yelled at him if she got the chance, but he was a big-boned lad and she didn’t dare hit him the way she did us. He took after Da, who had a reputation for being handy with his fists, and would have hit her back.

      ‘I’ll miss both of you, me darlin’,’ Lainie said and her eyes were bright with tears she would not shed. ‘I can’t stay another day, Bridget. Sure, I know ’tis hard for you, darlin’, but you’ve Mr Phillips to help you – and our Jamie if you need him. Until he gets sent down the line, leastwise.’

      ‘Oh, Lainie!’ I cried fearfully. ‘He’s not in trouble again?’

      ‘When have you ever known our Jamie not to be in trouble? He’s like Da. He hits out first and thinks after. One of these days he’ll do for someone – and then they’ll hang him.’

      ‘Please don’t,’ I begged. I stared at Lainie’s pretty face, hoping that she was joking, but there was no sign of a smile in her soft green eyes. ‘I can’t bear it when you talk like that. Ever since Da drowned—’

      ‘Huh!’ Lainie flicked back her fair hair. She was as fair as I was dark and far prettier than I thought I could ever be. She also smelled of a sweet rose perfume that Hans had given her. ‘Mam has been lying to us, our Bridget. There was no body – no proof he drowned. From the way the old bill haunted us for months, I reckon they know the truth. Jamie says he was away on a ship to America.’

      ‘Do you think that’s what happened?’ I looked at her anxiously. I’d cried myself to sleep after Mam told us our father had drowned in the docks. I’d had nightmares about him being down there in the river somewhere, his body eaten by fish.

      ‘I shouldn’t be surprised,’ Lainie said. ‘They’re always looking for someone to take on down the docks. When crew have jumped ship or drunk themselves silly and not signed back on. Hans says it’s likely Da was taken on and no questions asked.’

      ‘Then he might still be alive?’

      ‘For all the good it will do any of us,’ Lainie said and pulled a face. ‘If he got away, he’ll not be after coming back. He’d be arrested as soon as they saw him. It was months before the law stopped hunting him. They haunted our Jamie at work, and watched the house. Da knows he’d hang for sure.’

      ‘Yes, I’m sure you’re right. It was better in the house before he left, that’s all.’

      ‘Only because he put his fist in her mouth if she opened it too wide. Don’t you remember all their rows?’

      I remembered well enough, even though Sam O’Rourke had been gone for five years – years that his absence had made much harder for us all – but I also recalled Da giving me a halfpenny for sweets a few times. He had liked to ruffle my hair and call me his ‘darlin’ girl’.

      ‘Yes, I remember.’ I looked pleadingly at her. ‘You won’t change your mind and stay? Not even until the morning?’

      ‘I can’t,’ Lainie said and her mouth set into a stubborn, sullen line, which told me there would be no changing her. ‘Hans has begged me to leave home a thousand times. I only stayed as long as this for you and Tommy.’

      ‘What about your things? What are you going to do, Lainie? You can’t walk about all night—’

      ‘There isn’t much I want back at the house. I’m going to Bridie Macpherson. She’s asked me to work for her and she’ll provide uniforms. Hans will be back soon; he’ll give me money for what I need and then I shall go away with him. You can have my stuff and if I think of anything I want, I’ll let you know and you can smuggle it out to me.’

      ‘Will Hans marry you, Lainie?’

      ‘Yes.’ She smiled confidently. ‘He knows he’s the only one. I’ve never had another feller, Bridget. Mam carries on the way she does because he’s Swedish and not a Catholic, but Hans doesn’t care about that. He says he’ll convert if it’s the only way he can wed me.’

      ‘I’m glad for you.’ I loved my sister and I was going to miss her like hell, but I couldn’t hold her against her will. ‘Yes, yes, you must go, Lainie. It’s your chance of a better life.’

      ‘You’ll be all right,’ Lainie replied. ‘You’re clever, Bridget. I think you must take after great grandfather O’Rourke. He came over to England in 1827 when they were clearing the land for St Katherine’s Docks. They say he had a bit o’ money behind him, but he died of the cholera – there used to be a lot of it in the lanes in them days.

      ‘Grandfather O’Rourke was a lad of six years then, and his mother a widow with five small children. She had to struggle to bring them all up. When our grandfather was old enough to work, he started out as a labourer but ended as a foreman, running a gang under him. He would have done well for himself if he hadn’t taken a virulent fever and died. Leastwise, that’s what Granny always told us. Do you remember her at all?’

      I had a vague memory of a white-haired woman in a black dress. ‘Yes, I think so. She used to sit on her doorstep and smoke a long-stemmed clay pipe, didn’t she?’

      ‘Yes.’ Lainie chuckled. ‘She died when you were about three. She was forever talking about the Old Country – and her brogue was so thick that I couldn’t always understand her.’

      I stopped walking and looked back. We had already come a couple of streets and I knew Tommy would be waiting anxiously for my return.

      ‘I’d better get back then,’ I said and leaned towards her, kissing her cheek once more. ‘Take care of yourself, Lainie.’

      ‘You take care of yourself too, Bridget – and don’t let Mam bully you too much.’

      I nodded, but it was easy for Lainie to say. She was nearly eighteen and she had someone who cared for her. I was almost a year younger and I couldn’t just walk out the way she had – someone had to watch out for Tommy.

      Mam would be in a temper when I got back, but I was used to that. I hated to see Lainie