A Baby by Christmas. Linda Warren

a baby…and I want you. The words ran through her head but she couldn’t say them. Something inside her wouldn’t allow her to do that, and she knew what it was—fear. Despite this, she had to find a way to tell him.

      She smoothed the front of her pants. “I have to apologize.”

      He raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”

      “You were right. It was insensitive of me to leave Derek’s picture on the nightstand. I shouldn’t have done that and I’m sorry.”

      Jake was dumbstruck. He’d never expected her to admit that. She kept the man on a pedestal, and she wanted the world, including Jake, to do the same. He cleared his throat. “Thanks, and it was insensitive of me to bring it up when I did.”

      “You were angry and you had a right to be.”

      He didn’t know where this was coming from and he didn’t want to say anything that would hurt her more.

      “Maybe,” he admitted grudgingly.

      She raised her eyes to his. “I do care about you. You were wrong when you said I didn’t. I wouldn’t have asked you to marry me otherwise.”

      “From the start I knew you could never love me. You were still in love with your dead husband, but I wasn’t asking for your love—just your consideration.”

      She bit her lip, his confession obviously cutting deep. “I guess my mother and Judith were right, which I never like to acknowledge, but I’ve been obsessed with having a baby. I couldn’t think about anything else. It took over my life, my thinking, my reasoning…and my treatment of you.”

      “Elise—”

      She broke in. “I took all the magazines on conception and childbirth and threw them in the trash.” She blinked back a tear. “It’s so hard to let go of that dream, but I realize now that I’m not ready for a child. I just got carried away with the thought.”

      “How do you know you’re not ready for a child?” he asked, puzzled.

      “If I were, I’d be able to accept your little boy, to love him, to be his mother—but…”

      Jake’s heart stumbled, and he realized he’d been hoping she’d change her mind. That hope was now gone.

      “Please don’t think I’m heartless,” she begged. “I wish I could explain to you how I feel, how…”

      What was she trying to tell him?

      “It’s okay,” he assured her. “It’s a tough situation.”

      They were quiet for a moment. Jake wasn’t sure what to say to her and the words slipped out before he could stop them. “I saw Ben today.”

      “I’m glad.” She had to squeeze the words past her lips.

      Jake wanted to tell her everything, but he could see she was uncomfortable talking about Ben. So he had to let it go…and he had to let Elise go.

      He stood. “Thanks for the apology. It means a lot. Now I’d better leave because I have to be up early to make the drive to see Ben again.” He moved toward the door, then turned back. “If you’d like to meet Ben, just call me. It might change the way you feel.” Why had he said that? He had to make her aware that option was still open to her—to be a part of his life…and Ben’s.

      “It won’t,” she said quietly.

      Jake walked out the door, feeling as if he’d just been sucker punched.

      ELISE BLINKED BACK TEARS, refusing to cry. She couldn’t do that anymore. Getting to her feet, she noticed the bag on the floor. Jake had forgotten his things. She grabbed them and ran for the front door in time to see Jake’s tail-lights disappearing out of the driveway. She carried the bag to the closet. She’d call him tomorrow. No, she wouldn’t. She couldn’t see Jake again, it was too painful. She’d give the things to Beau and he could take them to Jake.

      Jake’s cologne wrapped around her and a whimper left her throat. Why was this so hard? Why couldn’t she just tell him the truth? She’d planned to, but looking into his warm eyes she couldn’t tell him that she’d almost killed a child with her negligence. She was so afraid of taking responsibility for a child that wasn’t her own, so afraid of hurting his little boy. She shook her head and made her way to the bedroom.

      She saw Derek’s picture turned down on the nightstand and picked it up. Derek was the only one she could talk to. He understood her and loved her unconditionally. Staring down at his loving face, she knew why she kept his picture on display. She never wanted to forget Derek, and if she saw him every day, she wouldn’t. She closed her eyes as reality spun its truth. Despite having just looked at the picture, she didn’t see Derek’s face anymore. Jake was all she could see. She wasn’t sure how that had happened. But it had.

      Derek and Jake were so different. She’d met Derek in college. They’d been friends first and then study partners because they both loved American literature. One evening as they were studying for an exam, Derek had said, “If I asked you for a date, would you go?” She didn’t have to think twice. She answered “Yes” immediately. A few dates later he’d asked, “Do you mind if I kiss you?” Derek was kind, considerate and gentle. His lovemaking was the same, and she’d never wanted any other man in her life.

      Until she met Jake.

      He was so completely different…or maybe it was the different effect Jake had on her emotions. From the first moment she saw him, she thought he was handsome and sexy and she harbored risqué fantasies about him, which shocked her, then excited her and made her feel alive and feminine again. She’d never realized how much she needed that. She found herself acting on unusual impulses…like dreaming of babies and marriage. Their sex life was unlike anything she’d ever imagined. It was so much more. Derek had been gentle and affectionate, but Jake was passionate and fiery, and when they got into bed she wasn’t just lying there being made love to—she was a partner giving and taking until she heard herself moaning with pleasure. She wasn’t shy with Jake. She was actually bold and daring and she enjoyed discovering that part of her nature.

      She felt as if she’d betrayed Derek because Jake touched a part of her that her first husband hadn’t. She and Jake had connected in a special way—the way a husband and wife should. And now it was over. All because of her.

      She stood, opened a drawer and placed Derek’s picture inside. That part of her life was over, too. The years stretched lonely and empty before her, unless she could talk about it. Share it. No, she couldn’t do that. She couldn’t tell Jake she’d almost killed a child. He’d think she was a terrible person.

      But then she was a terrible person. She was letting her teenage phobia control her, allowing her to reject a three-year-old boy who needed a mother. That made her the worst kind of woman—a woman without maternal instincts. A woman who was only capable of caring for a child if he was her own flesh and blood. The pain ripped through her and she let it. She didn’t try to rationalize it or to disguise it. She deserved it.

      JAKE REACHED THE FARM, feeling numb inside and trying to come to terms with the ending of his marriage. He hadn’t eaten but he wasn’t hungry.

      He walked into the kitchen and stopped short. Beau was sitting at the table feeding Wags some doggy treats.

      “What are you doing here, Beau?” he asked as he pulled up a chair.

      “Feeding that hungry dog of yours. You should feed him more often.”

      “Wags is always hungry,” Jake commented. “He spends a lot of his time chasing rabbits out of the cotton fields and he burns up a lot of energy trying to catch one.”

      Wags rested his face on Jake’s thigh while Jake stroked him. “Wags is a good dog.”

      Beau appeared thoughtful. “There’s a woman who lives in the condo next to mine and she adopts every stray she finds. She found a cat and was nursing it back to health. I agreed to keep