Hollywood Dead. Richard Kadrey

back when you don’t know if you can keep it.

      “Sir?” says the antennae girl. “Do you want a donut?”

      Fuck me. How long have I been standing here? I can’t even interact with actual humans without looking like a lunatic. Take two.

      “I’ll have an apple fritter and a cup of coffee.”

      She rings them up and tells me the price. I hand her one of the twenties and when she tries to give me change I say, “Keep it. I’m just happy to be back here.”

      She smiles and says, “Welcome back,” like she means it, and it kind of breaks my heart. She’s nice. I forgot what that’s like. I try to smile back at her, but I’m not sure I’m getting it right. I mean, my face does something. Whether it’s a smile or not is up to her.

      The good news is that when she brings me my order she doesn’t pepper-spray me. That’s a beginning. I feel like a kid on his first date, proud he didn’t spill whiskey on his girlfriend’s dress or puke on her when he drank too much.

      “Come back soon,” she says as I pick up my stuff.

      “If I’m still alive next week, I’ll buy out the whole damn store.”

      She laughs and says, “It’s a date then.”

      I nod and get out before I blow the moment.

      More than I already have, I mean.

      At the corner, I take a long sip of coffee. It’s funny. I remember what they served at Donut Universe as being pretty good, but I can barely taste this stuff at all. I unwrap the apple fritter and take a bite. It’s the same thing. I feel the dough in my mouth, but I can’t taste anything. Another sip of coffee and another bite of fritter. I chew until I can’t stand it anymore and spit the fritter into the gutter. It’s not the food. It’s me. I can’t taste it. Another side effect of being only half-alive. At least the cigarette had a little kick. And I could taste bourbon the other night. This half-alive situation is getting on my nerves. I’ll do whatever it takes to get right again.

      If cigarettes and liquor are all I can handle until I’m fully alive again, there’s only one place I can go. I head for Ivar Avenue and Bamboo House of Dolls. And it better be there. I swear if it’s gone, Wormwood won’t have to worry about the faction.

      I’ll nuke L.A. myself.

      FORTUNATELY FOR EVERYONE, I don’t have to drop even a single bomb. As soon as I spot the neon, my whole body relaxes. I need a drink more than ever to wash the last mealy remnants of the fritter out of my mouth. But I don’t want anyone here to know I’m back, including Carlos, the bartender. I step into an alley and throw on a glamour so no one will recognize me. There are still eighty dollars of Sinclair’s money in my pocket. That should be enough to get decently horizontal.

      But I don’t go inside right away. Instead, I stay on the street letting the moment soak in. A day or so ago, I was standing at the pearly gates. Just a few hours before that, on the road for a year with a dog pack of psycho marauders tearing up the Tenebrae, killing and burning everything in our path. Standing here now, just a day later, all that feels like a bad dream. Mouthfuls of dust, road rash, and the kind of burning fear that’s indistinguishable from anger. But here and now it’s just cigarette smoke, couples whispering to each other, and the sound of bird chirps and horns as Martin Denny spins on the jukebox. It’s a little overwhelming, but in a good way. I take one last gulp of L.A. night smog and go inside.

      At first glance, not much has changed inside. It’s still the best punk tiki bar in existence. Old Cramps and Germs posters hang on the walls. Plastic hula girls and coconuts carved like monkeys are lined up behind the bar. And Carlos is there, solo as usual, doling out beer and whiskey to the rabble. What’s changed is the crowd. It’s still a mix of fanged and feathered Lurkers and civilians, but they’re quieter than I remember. Bamboo House of Dolls used to be shoulder to shoulder any night of the week. Tonight you could fire a cannon in here and not hit anything but the wall. Over in the back corner is a minuscule stage where Carlos has installed the death knell of any good bar—a karaoke machine. It’s good to be back inside, but the state of the place is depressing. Most of the stools by the bar are empty, so I take one at the far end away from the door. Yeah, it’s quiet now, but I’ve had enough things creep up on me in here that I know I won’t be able to relax with my back exposed like that.

      Maybe that’s what’s wrong with the place. Have any flesh-eating High Plains Drifter hoedowns, skinhead assassination attempts, or hoodoo firefights happened here since I’ve been gone? Maybe not. And maybe people miss the danger. Maybe Bamboo House of Dolls isn’t the same if you’re not risking your life every time you walk inside. Carlos should have hired an evil clown to hide in the rafters and chase people around with a cleaver every now and then. It sure would have woken up these sad sacks.

      Carlos comes down the bar and gives me a hello nod.

      “What’ll you have?”

      I open my mouth and—like an idiot—almost say “Aqua Regia,” my favorite Hellion brew. Instead, I clear my throat, tell myself to focus for a goddamn minute, and manage to croak, “Jack Daniel’s. A double. Neat.”

      “You got it,” he says, and heads back to the bottles and hula girls.

      It’s ridiculous how happy it makes me just hearing his voice. The moment I do, the bar becomes more real, the smells and sounds more solid. Who cares if I couldn’t taste a fucking donut? This is my home away from home. Literally these days. I don’t even know if I have a home here anymore. For all I know, money got so thin at Max Overdrive that they tossed some throw pillows upstairs and now rent it out on Airbnb. I wonder if they would mention that I used to keep Kasabian’s head in the closet or point out all the blood that’s soaked into the floor. I would if I was them. It gives the place character. Who wouldn’t pay a little extra to sleep in a real-life Hollywood murder flat?

      When Carlos brings me my drink I put down a twenty.

      “Keep it.”

      He picks it up and tosses it back on the cash register.

      “Thanks.”

      I look around the place once more.

      “It’s quiet in here. Quieter than I remember.”

      “Yeah? You been in before?”

      “About a year ago. It was a lot more crowded. Loud and lively.”

      He looks around the place too.

      “That it was. Things change though. Crowds change.”

      I sip the Jack. Swirl it around in my mouth and swallow. It burns just right and washes away the last of the fritter.

      “Do you ever miss the noise?”

      He thinks for a minute.

      “Sometimes. Not always. Sometimes it was nice. Other times, it was something else entirely.”

      “I remember it used to be a little dangerous around here.”

      He lays out coasters and says, “Only if you consider dying dangerous.”

      “When you think of the old days, what do you miss most?”

      “The people. The old regulars. Some still come in, but others … they’re gone for good.”

      I take another sip of Jack.

      “This is L.A. Nothing is ever gone for good.”

      He smiles.

      “Maybe that’s what we need. A reboot. Bride of Bamboo House of Dolls.”

      “Son of Bamboo House of Dolls.”

      He gives me a look.

      “You a Frankenstein fan? I had a buddy who used to like old movies.”

      “What happened? You’re not friends anymore?”

      Carlos