The Sapphire Rose. David Eddings

We’ll draw up a list of suggestions and pass them on to you through the Earl of Lenda. Platime and I are men of business, and Your Majesty might find our presence distressing. We’ll remain in the background as much as possible.’

      ‘Your delicacy is exquisite, Milord,’ she told him, ‘but I’m not all that much distressed by the presence of honest men.’

      ‘Honest?’ Platime laughed coarsely. ‘I think we’ve just been insulted, Stragen.’

      ‘Better an honest cut-throat than a dishonest courtier,’ Ehlana said. ‘Do you really do that? Cut throats, I mean?’

      ‘I’ve slit a few in my time, Your Majesty,’ he admitted with a shrug. ‘It’s a quiet way to find out what a man has in his purse, and I’ve always been curious about that sort of thing. Speaking of that, you might as well tell her, Talen.’

      ‘What’s this?’ Sparhawk asked.

      ‘There’s a small fee involved, Sparhawk,’ Talen said.

      ‘Oh?’

      ‘Stragen volunteered his services free of charge,’ the boy explained.

      ‘Just for the experience, Sparhawk,’ the blond northerner said. ‘King Wargun’s court is a bit crude. The court of Elenia is reputed to be exquisitely courteous and totally depraved. A studious man always seizes these opportunities to expand his education. Platime, on the other hand, is not quite so studious. He wants something a little more tangible.’

      ‘Such as?’ Sparhawk bluntly asked the fat man.

      ‘I’m beginning to give some thought to retirement, Sparhawk – some quiet country estate where I can entertain myself in the company of a bevy of immoral young women – begging Your Majesty’s pardon. Anyway, a man can’t really enjoy his declining years if there are a number of hanging offences lurking in his background. I’ll protect the queen with my life if she can find it in her heart to grant me a full pardon for my past indiscretions.’

      ‘Just what sort of indiscretions are we talking about here, Master Platime?’ Ehlana asked suspiciously.

      ‘Oh, nothing really worth mentioning, Your Majesty,’ he replied deprecatingly. ‘There were a few incidental murders, assorted thefts, robberies, extortions, burglaries, arson, smuggling, highway robbery, cattle-rustling, pillaging a couple of monasteries, operating unlicensed brothels – that sort of thing.’

      ‘You have been busy, haven’t you, Platime?’ Stragen said admiringly.

      ‘It’s a way to pass the time. I think we’d better just make it a general pardon, Your Majesty. I’m bound to forget a few offences here and there.’

      ‘Is there any crime you haven’t committed, Master Platime?’ she asked sternly.

      ‘Barratry, I think, Your Majesty. Of course I’m not sure what it means, so I can’t be entirely positive.’

      ‘It’s when a ship captain wrecks his ship in order to steal the cargo,’ Stragen supplied.

      ‘No, I’ve never done that. Also, I’ve never had carnal knowledge of an animal, I’ve never practised witchcraft, and I’ve never committed treason.’

      ‘Those are the more really serious ones, I suppose,’ Ehlana said with a perfectly straight face. ‘I do so worry about the morals of foolish young sheep.’

      Platime roared with sudden laughter. ‘I do myself, Your Majesty. I’ve spent whole nights tossing and turning about it.’

      ‘What kept you untainted by treason, Master Platime?’ the Earl of Lenda asked curiously.

      ‘Lack of opportunity, probably, My Lord,’ Platime admitted, ‘although I rather doubt I’d have gone into that sort of thing anyway. Unstable governments make the general populace nervous and wary. They start protecting their valuables, and that makes life very hard for thieves. Well, Your Majesty, do we have a bargain?’

      ‘A general pardon in exchange for your services – for so long as I require them?’ she countered.

      ‘What’s that last bit supposed to mean?’ he demanded suspiciously.

      ‘Oh, nothing at all, Master Platime,’ she said innocently. ‘I don’t want you to get bored and abandon me just when I need you the most. I’d be desolate without your company. Well?’

      ‘Done, by God!’ he roared. He spat in his hand and held it out to her.

      She looked at Sparhawk, her face confused.

      ‘It’s a custom, Your Majesty,’ he explained. ‘You also spit in your hand, and then you and Platime smack your palms together. It seals the bargain.’

      She cringed slightly, then did as he instructed. ‘Done,’ she said uncertainly.

      ‘And there we are,’ Platime said boisterously. ‘You’re now the same as my very own little sister, Ehlana, and if anybody offends you, or threatens you, I’ll gut him for you, and then you can pour hot coals into his gaping belly with your own two little hands.’

      ‘You’re so very kind,’ she said weakly.

      ‘You’ve been had, Platime,’ Talen howled with laughter.

      ‘What are you talking about?’ Platime’s face darkened.

      ‘You’ve just volunteered for a lifetime of government service, you know.’

      ‘That’s absurd.’

      ‘I know, but you did it all the same. You agreed to serve the queen for as long as she wants you to, and you didn’t even raise the question of pay. She can keep you here in the palace until the day you die.’

      Platime’s face went absolutely white. ‘You wouldn’t do that to me, would you, Ehlana?’ he pleaded in a choked voice.

      She reached up and patted his bearded cheek. ‘We’ll see, Platime,’ she said. ‘We’ll see.’

      Stragen was doubled over with silent laughter. ‘What’s this home guard business, Sparhawk?’ he asked when he had recovered.

      ‘We’re going to mobilize the common people to defend the city,’ Sparhawk said. ‘As soon as Kurik gets here, we’ll work out the details. He suggested that we round up army veterans and press them into service as sergeants and corporals. Platime’s men can serve as junior officers, and you and Platime, under the direction of the Earl of Lenda, will act as our generals until the regular Elenian army returns to relieve you.’

      Stragen thought it over. ‘It’s a workable plan,’ he approved. ‘It doesn’t take nearly as much training to defend a city as it does to attack one.’ He looked at his large, crestfallen friend. ‘If it’s all right, Your Majesty,’ he said to Ehlana, ‘I’ll take your protector here somewhere and pour some ale into him. He looks a trifle distraught for some reason.’

      ‘As you wish, Milord,’ she smiled. ‘Can you think of any crimes you might have committed in my kingdom you’d like to have me pardon? On the same terms?’

      ‘Ah, no, Your Majesty,’ he replied. ‘The thieves’ code forbids my poaching in Platime’s private preserve. If it weren’t for that, I’d rush out and murder somebody – just for the sake of spending the rest of my life in your divine company.’ His eyes were wicked.

      ‘You’re a very bad man, Milord Stragen.’

      ‘Yes, Your Majesty,’ he agreed, bowing. ‘Come along, Platime. It won’t seem nearly so bad once you get used to it.’

      ‘That was very, very slick, Your Majesty,’ Talen said after they had left. ‘Nobody’s ever swindled Platime that way before.’

      ‘Did you really like it?’ She sounded pleased.

      ‘It