Child’s Play. Reginald Hill

      ‘I really am sorry I’m late,’ Lomas was saying. ‘But I’m afraid I still tend to think of all urban distances as minute outside of London. To compensate, I tend to treat all country distances as vast. Had we been meeting at your father’s pub, say, I dare say I’d have been there an hour ago.’

      Lexie did not reply but bit into a sandwich.

      Lomas said with a smile, ‘You don’t say a great deal, do you, dear coz?’

      ‘I were waiting for you to finish putting me at ease,’ said Lexie.

      ‘Oh dear,’ said Lomas. ‘I see I shall have to watch you, little Lexie.’

      ‘I’m not your cousin, and I’m five feet two inches barefoot,’ said Lexie.

      ‘Oh dear,’ repeated Lomas. ‘Are there any other sensitive areas we ought to check out straightaway?’

      ‘Why do you call yourself Lomas?’ said Lexie. ‘Your name is Windibanks, isn’t it?’

      He grinned and said, ‘There you’re wrong. It was changed quite legally by deed poll. Rod Lomas is in fact and law my name.’

      ‘Why’d you change it?’

      ‘As I launched myself on what I hoped would be a meteoric theatrical career, but what now looks like being a long steady haul to the top, it occurred to me that Rodney Windibanks was not a name to fit easily into lights. Rod Lomas on the other hand is short, punchy, memorable. Satisfied?’

      She continued to chew without replying. Her silence somehow declared its source as disbelief rather than good manners.

      ‘All right,’ he said. ‘It’s a fair cop! Why Lomas? It was Mummy’s idea. Butter up Auntie Gwen - yes, I know she wasn’t my auntie but that’s how I thought of her. Mummy made a big deal of it, of course, writing and asking permission to resurrect the family name, promising that I would never bring anything but fame and good report on it. Auntie Gwen replied that I must call myself what I wished. Left to myself, I might have chosen something a little more evocative, like Garrick or Irving, but Mummy is very strong-willed in the pursuit of fortune. Do I shock you?’

      She swallowed, opened the half-eaten sandwich, said disgustedly, ‘Brisket. And more gristle than brisket.’

      Lomas looked nonplussed for a moment, then he said with an edge of malice, ‘Not that it should shock you, of course. You are a fellow-initiate in the great sucking-up-to-auntie club, aren’t you? Indeed, almost a founder member, since you joined shortly after birth. Correct me if I’m wrong, but surely Lexie is short for Alexandra, and I doubt if that was a simple coincidence!’

      Lexie said abruptly, ‘What do you want? What are you doing here?’

      Lomas looked at her as if considering taking up the challenge. Then he grinned boyishly and said, ‘Believe it or not, dear coz, I came back north in response to a cry for help. When I was up for the funeral, I popped into the Kemble to see some old chums. I’m sure a cultured young person like yourself will be aware that the Kemble has as its artistic director Ms Eileen Chung. Chung and I are long acquainted and I know all her ways, which include a rather distorting tendency to socialize or, worse still, feminize all material that she turns her big doe eyes on. She is not strong enough to resist the demands of the English set-book, however, and next week as you must know her very first production is Romeo and Juliet. At Salisbury we did it for art, in Yorkshire they do it for O-level! But disaster struck. Night before last, Chung’s Mercutio got beaten up and is hors de combat. Desperate for a top-class replacement well-schooled in the part, her thoughts naturally turned to me. By chance I was free. Or rather I was just on the point of signing a big Hollywood contract, but who can resist a friend’s cry for help? I dropped everything and came up last night. The show is saved!’

      Lexie said, ‘I read in the Post the chap who got beaten up was black.’

      ‘Indeed yes. A little surprise for the good burghers, a black Mercutio. But Chung says it was not of the essence. She thinks his obvious homosexual passion for Romeo will be quite enough for the city council to bear. But enough of me, fascinating though I am. What of you? How goes the Law?’

      ‘All right,’ said Lexie, discarding another sandwich.

      ‘Any news on the will front?’ he asked casually.

      ‘How should I know?’ she said, alert.

      ‘Well, you are acting as old Thackeray’s secretary, aren’t you?’

      ‘Who told you that?’

      ‘I don’t know. Keechie, I suppose.’

      He laughed at her surprise.

      ‘Didn’t I say? I’m staying out at Troy House. Well, I needed digs. I can only afford the Howard Arms Hotel when Mummy’s with me, picking up the tab. Dear Mummy. It doesn’t matter how strapped she is for cash, she never settles for less than the best.’

      ‘She’s hard up, is she? Your dad didn’t leave her anything, then?’

      Lomas stiffened.

      ‘Not much,’ he said, charm subsumed by some genuine emotion. ‘Why do you mention my father?’

      ‘No reason,’ said the girl.

      He glowered at her, then burst out, ‘People said he was a crook, but if he was, he’d have left us stinking rich, wouldn’t he?’

      She said, ‘You were telling me about staying at Troy House.’

      Lomas visibly pulled the charm back over him like a bright-patterned slipover.

      ‘So I was,’ he said. ‘I couldn’t afford decent digs let alone the Howard Arms so I thought: What about old Keechie? We’d always got on well, so I gave her a ring. She was delighted. It must be lonely for her with nothing but those animals for company. What a nuisance they are. After the funeral feast, Mummy trod in something quite disgusting in the drive! Keechie, I’m glad to say, runs a rather tighter ship than old Gwen and apart from the odd moggie on my pillow, I’ve been unmolested. But it is, of course, early days. I only got here yesterday.’

      He regarded her speculatively.

      ‘One thing I have realized already is how far it is out of town if you haven’t a car. The buses seem to be as rare as virtuous women and go all around the houses, if that’s not a contradiction. Keechie tells me you run a car.’

      ‘You’ve done a bit of talking about me, haven’t you?’ said Lexie. ‘Yes. I’ve got an old Mini. The Old Mill’s out of the way too.’

      ‘Precisely. And rather out of the same way, isn’t it? What I mean is, you must pass within a few yards, barely two miles anyway, of Greendale village. Perhaps I could persuade you to make a diversion some morning?’

      She said, ‘I thought actors slept mornings.’

      ‘Art never sleeps. Are you game?’

      ‘I’ll not wait around.’

      ‘I shall be ready and waiting before the bawdy hand of the clock has reached the prick of eight. It’s all right. That’s not rude, it’s Shakespeare. You shall hear for yourself. As reward for your kindness, you shall have a complimentary ticket for our first night next Monday, and an invitation to the party afterwards. Then you can run me home too! Talking of which, how about running me home tonight? I work office hours till we open.’

      ‘I’m not a taxi-service,’ said Lexie, standing up. ‘Besides, I’ve got an evening class so I’ll not be going straight back. Thanks for the wine. I’d not pay for them sandwiches if I were you. I’d best get back.’

      ‘It’s been a pleasure,’ said Lomas. ‘You won’t forget to call?’

      ‘I said so,’ replied Lexie. ‘Cheerio.’

      She left, passing quite close to Pascoe and Dalziel, who