The Missing and the Dead. Stuart MacBride

       ‘Got ourselves an assault in Whitehills. The Drookit Haddie on Harbour Place. Bunch of scrotes gave an old boy a battering. Me and Tufty are waiting for the ambulance.’

      ‘Suspects?’

       ‘Nah: everyone in the pub’s come down with amnesia. And Maggie’s been on – there’s a coo loose on the B9031 round about Gamrie.’

      ‘OK. We’ll see to it. Make sure you get the CCTV from the pub.’

      Nicholson’s face soured. ‘A cow wandering about on the road. Not exactly Silence of the Lambs, is it?’

      ‘Careful what you wish for.’ Logan let go of the handset and turned back to Mr Ugly’s Fiesta. ‘Not all it’s cracked up to be.’

      ‘So … what are we going to do with Plukey Pete?’

      But Logan was already walking up to the driver’s window. ‘Tell me, Martyn-with-a-“Y”, what brings you all the way from thirty-eight Dresden Road, Birmingham, to the streets of sunny Banff?’

      Another dose of the evil eye. ‘Personal, isn’t it. Now you done?’Cos you’re infringing my right to free movement and that.’

      ‘I see …’ He drummed his fingers on the roof of the car. ‘You know what, Mr Baker, I was going to let you off with a warning, but I have reason to believe you wouldn’t pay any attention to it. As such, I’m confiscating your mobile phone as evidence—’

      ‘Aw, bugger off!’ The line of spots simmered. ‘You’re not taking my bloody phone.’

      ‘Under Common Law I have the power to seize any items suspected to be used in the execution of a crime. Or would you like me to do you for resisting instead?’ Logan popped his wrist forward and checked his watch. ‘I’ve got a couple of hours to spare. Step out of the car, Mr Baker.’

      Baker folded over until his forehead brushed the steering wheel. ‘Fine.’ Then dug in his pocket and came out with a big Samsung job, the case all battered and scratched. The screen cobwebbed with cracks radiating out from the bottom left corner. He handed it over. ‘Happy?’

      ‘Delirious, sir. I’ll make out a receipt for the phone.’ But he took his time over it. ‘Drive carefully, Mr Baker.’ A smile. ‘We’ll be keeping an eye out to make sure you’re OK.’

      Nicholson stared after the Fiesta as it drove away. ‘Think he’s dealing? Making a delivery? Maybe on the run from someone?’

      ‘Or D, all of the above …’ Logan slipped the phone into a brown paper evidence bag. Labelled it. ‘But who knows, maybe he’s off for a romantic assignation with a nice sheep?’ Dumped the bag in the boot of the patrol car. ‘Speaking of animal husbandry, that cow’s not going to round itself up.’

       5

       ‘… says you’re not to forget about your appraisal today.’

      Logan hit the talk button on his Airwave handset. ‘Depends on how things pan out. Janet and me are busy keeping the good people of Aberdeenshire North safe from scoundrels and scallywags.’

      Fields rolled past the car’s windows, shiny and green, dark walls of gorse aflame with burning yellow flowers. Ahead, in a break between the hills, cliffs disappeared down into the North Sea.

      Maggie’s voice dropped to a hard whisper. ‘Sergeant McRae, you are going to tell her I’m needing a wee pay rise, aren’t you? Only with Bill’s back being what it is, we—’

      ‘Can’t promise anything, but I’ll try. Assuming we get finished here in good time.’ Logan shifted in his seat. Pointed out through the windscreen as they crowned the brow of yet another hill. ‘There we go.’

      A big brown bullock waddled down the middle of the road. Broad shouldered and thick bottomed. Tail flicking from side to side. Horns weaving back and forth as it lumbered along.

       ‘The Inspector says you’re not to put it off again. Appraisals have to be in by Wednesday.’

      Nicholson leaned on the horn. Breeeeeeeeeep.

      The cow didn’t even flinch.

       ‘She really was quite insistent.’

      ‘OK, OK. Tell her we’ll be back at the station about …’ Logan checked his watch. ‘Better make it half four. Twenty to five. Ish.’

      ‘Will do.’ And Maggie was gone.

      Nicholson tried the horn again. Breeeeeeeeeep. Nothing. ‘I went to police college for this? Months at Tulliallan. Two years as a probationer …’ Breeeeeeeeeep. She buzzed down her window. ‘Come on, you hairy bugger, get off the road!’

      Logan swivelled in his seat. Empty fields, all around. Not a single head of livestock to be seen, other than the one clomping its way down the middle of the road. ‘No idea where he came from.’ Off to the left, a swathe of green was peppered with big round bales wrapped in black plastic. ‘We’ll stick him in there.’ Logan undid his seatbelt. ‘Come on.’

      Nicholson scowled. ‘This is what happens when they don’t let us carry tasers.’

      ‘Gah …’ Nicholson shoved the gate shut and hauled the pin back, making the spring squeal. Let go and it clacked into place. She spat twice. Then a third time. Wiped a hand through the mud that caked her face from one ear to the other. More covered the front of her high-vis waistcoat. Lumps of it wodged in the armholes of her stabproof. Another gob of muddy spittle. Then a glower in his direction. ‘Where all the cool kids are, my arse.’

      Logan shrugged. ‘You imagine what would happen if someone came round the corner doing sixty and hit that?’ Pointing at the big brown beast, who was at least three shades cleaner than Nicholson. ‘They’d have to scoop you into your body-bag like eleven stone of mince.’

      She wiped her hands down the front of her vest, smearing the filth. ‘You saying I’m fat?’

      ‘Come back here, you wee sod!’ Logan vaulted the low garden wall and sprinted across the lawn, knees pumping. One hand clamping the peaked cap to his head, the other clutching his extendable baton in its holder. Stopping it from jiggling about with every other step.

      The wee sod in question kept on running. Sneakers flashing their white bellies, his arms and legs going like pistons, hoodie flapping behind him like an obscene pink tongue.

      Over into the next garden.

      Crashing straight through a bed of nasturtiums and pansies. The owners sat on a bench against the house, sharing a bottle of wine. On their feet and shaking fists as the Wee Sod battered past.

      A hedge separated this property from the next one. He leapt it, almost lost his footing on the other side. His shoulder bag slipped, thumped into the lawn. Tins of spray paint clattered across the grass like WWII bombs.

      ‘I said, come back here!’

      The Wee Sod risked a grin over his shoulder. Freckled face, no more than twelve. Maybe thirteen. Curly red hair and dimpled cheeks.

      Then THUMP – Nicholson slammed into him from the side with the kind of rugby tackle that would’ve done the nation proud at Murrayfield.

      They went careening across the lawn in a tumble of limbs, coming to rest in a clatter of pots and gnomes.

      Logan slowed to a jog, then a halt as Nicholson scrambled to her feet, then hauled the Wee Sod upright by his hoodie.

      She spat out a blade of grass. ‘When someone yells, “Stop, police!” you sodding well stop.’

      He wriggled a couple of times, didn’t