The World of David Walliams 5 Book Collection. David Walliams

mouth. The Duchess was so hungry she didn’t even chew; instead she swallowed it in half a millisecond before returning to her expression of sausage-longing. Had any man or beast ever eaten a sausage so quickly? Chloe was half-expecting a gentleman in a blazer and slacks with a clipboard and stopwatch to appear and declare that the little black dog had set a new sausage-eating international world record!

      “So, young Chloe, is everything fine at home?” asked Mr Stink, as he let the Duchess lick his fingers clean of any remnants of sausage juice.

      “I’m sorry?” replied a befuddled Chloe.

      “I asked if everything was fine at home. If things were tickety-boo I am not sure you would be spending your Saturday talking to an old vagabond like me.”

      “Vagabond?”

      “I don’t like the word ‘tramp’. It makes you think of someone who smells.”

      Chloe tried to conceal her surprise. Even the Duchess looked puzzled and she didn’t speak English, only Dog.

      “I prefer vagabond, or wanderer,” continued Mr Stink.

      The way he put it, thought Chloe, it sounded almost poetic. Especially ‘wanderer’. She would love to be a wanderer. She would wander all around the world if she could. Not stay in this boring little town where nothing happened that hadn’t happened the day before.

      “There’s nothing wrong at home. Everything is fine,” said Chloe adamantly.

      “Are you sure?” enquired Mr Stink, with the wisdom some people have that cuts right through you like a knife through butter.

      Things were, in fact, not at all fine at home for Chloe. She was often ignored. Her mother doted on Annabelle—probably because her youngest daughter was like a miniature version of her. Every inch of every wall in the house was covered with celebrations of Annabelle’s infinite achievements.

      Photographs of her standing smugly on winner’s podiums, certificates bearing her name emblazoned in italic gold, trophies and statuettes and medals engraved with ‘winner’, ‘first place’ or ‘little creep’. (I made up that last one.)

      The more Annabelle achieved, the more Chloe felt like a failure. Her parents spent most of their lives providing a chauffeur service for Annabelle’s out of school activities. Her schedule was exhausting even to look at.

       Monday

      5am Swimming training

      6am Clarinet lesson

      7am Dance lesson, tap and contemporary jazz

      8am Dance lesson, ballet

      9am to 4pm School

      4pm Drama lesson, improvisation and movement

      5pm Piano lesson

      6pm Brownies

      7pm Girls’ Brigade

      8pm Javelin practice

       Tuesday

      4am Violin lesson

      5am Stilt-walking practice

      6am Chess Society

      7am Learning Japanese

      8am Flower-arranging class

      9am to 4pm School

      4pm Creative writing workshop

      5pm Porcelain frog painting class

      6pm Harp practice

      7pm Watercolour painting class

      8pm Dance class, ballroom

       Wednesday

      3am Choir practice

      4am Long-jump training

      5am High-jump training

      6am Long-jump training again

      7am Trombone lesson

      8am Scuba-diving

      9am to 4pm School

      4pm Chef training

      5pm Mountain climbing

      6pm Tennis

      7pm Drama workshop, Shakespeare and his contemporaries

      8pm Show jumping

       Thursday

      2am Learning Arabic

      3am Dance lesson, break-dance, hip-hop, krumping

      4am Oboe lesson

      5am Tour de France cycle training

      6am Bible studies

      7am Gymnastics training

      8am Calligraphy class

      9am to 4pm School

      4pm Work experience shadowing a brain surgeon

      5pm Opera singing lesson

      6pm NASA space exploration workshop

      7pm Cake baking class, level 5

      8pm Attend lecture on ‘A History of Victorian Moustaches’

       Friday

      1am Triangle lesson, grade 5

      2am Badminton

      3am Archery

      4am Fly to Switzerland for ski-jump practice. Learn about eggs from an expert on eggs (TBC) on outbound flight.

      6am Do quick ski-jump, and then board inbound flight. Take pottery class on flight.

      8am Thai kick-boxing (remember to take skis off before class).

      9am to 4pm School

      4pm Channel swimming training

      5pm Motorbike maintenance workshop

      6pm Candle making

      7pm Otter rearing class

      8pm Television viewing. A choice between either a documentary about carpet manufacturing in Belgium, or a Polish cartoon from the 1920s about a depressed owl.

      And that was just the weekdays. The weekends were when things really got busy for Annabelle. No wonder Chloe felt ignored.

      “Well, I suppose things at home are…are…” stammered Chloe. She wanted to talk to him about it all, but she wasn’t sure how.

       Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong!

      No, I haven’t lost my mind, readers. That was meant to be the church clock striking four.

      Chloe gasped and looked at her watch. Four o’clock! Mother made her do her homework from four until six every day, even in the school holidays when she didn’t have any to do.

      “Sorry Mr Stink, I have to go,” she said. Secretly Chloe was relieved. No one had ever asked her how she felt before, and she was beginning to panic…

      “Really, child?” said the old man, looking disappointed.

      “Yes, yes, I need to get home. Mother will be furious if I don’t get at least a C in Maths next term. She sets me extra tests during the holidays.”

      “That doesn’t sound much like a holiday to me,” said Mr Stink.

      Chloe shrugged. “Mother doesn’t believe in holidays.” She stood up. “I hope you liked the sausages,” she said.

      “They were scrumptious,” said Mr Stink. “Thank you. Unimaginable kindness.”